Thursday, November 25, 2010

Lest we think I'm "over it"...

Today was hard.

Yesterday, Leland and I went up to the hospital. The PICU was out of Kleenex. Personally, any family in PICU over Thanksgiving deserves soft Kleenex, in my opinion. So we ran up with some candy (chocolate and licorice) for the nurses and boxes of Kleenex for patient's families.

I did okay there. I was able to tell them "Yes, I'm doing well. WE're doing well...... The kids are great... I am looking foward to the holidays for the first time in years."

Later in the afternoon, I met my sister & sister in law at the mall for our traditional "all" the grandkids Santa picture. And that part of yesterday sucked.

And today was hard. I basically threw a temper tantrum this morning. And I knew it. I was, I am, missing Seth. Holidays all about family are more difficult now. I suppose there's just no way around it.

I am trying to figure all this out. God is faithful. I know that. He holds us in the palm of His hand. Even when I'm hurting, I can manage to be thankful for that.

Happy Thanksgiving, Friends.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Missing him...

Today is a missing day.

Today we celebrate Thanksgiving with my side of the family.

My sister is here from out of town with her son, Jack. My brother's family lives here in town. So we will gather, 3 out of 4 of my mom's children (only 1 spouse... Leland's working, Tom, my sister's husband, didn't travel with them). "All" of my mom's grandchildren. Except of course, Seth.

And the kids will play together. And there will be laughter, and wine, and food, and games.

And if anyone else feels the absence of our youngest son, the youngest grandchild, the youngest nephew, no one will say anything.

As is usually the case, I will feel alone in my missing.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Six Words Saturday

Even with joy, Grief's still present.

I stand by my last post. (The one immediately below this one.) I am doing much better, and it's a testimony to God's faithfulness to have joy back in my life. But I still miss Seth.

Today, my heart hurts.. One of the most difficult issues for me has been trying to find a "balance". To miss Seth and still feel joy. To feel joy and not think it sends the message to the entire world that I'm "over it". I'll never be "over" it. There will always be a hole in my heart.

Even with joy, Grief's still present.

Link up to Cate's "Show My Face" blog and leave your own 6 word Saturday post.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

An Open Letter...

Dear Seth,

I thought of you today.

That's no surprise. I think of you EVERY day. Every minute really. To NOT think of you, would be the surprise. Just as Sean, Cary, and Kayleigh are always on my mind, so are you. It's odd, of course. People expect me to think of Sean and Cary and Kayleigh. For reasons I don't understand, the fact that I think of YOU, just as I do your siblings, seems to make others uncomfortable. But, sweet boy, that's a post for another day.

It's different, my writing to you. It's not an unusual format. Kristine wrote to Cora. Jill writes to Joshua. Kim writes to Ewan. It's just not something I'd done, before now.

Honestly, I think it was too hard. I talked to you all the time, in my head. Oh, I know you don't hear me. I would much rather think of you playing in Heaven, at Jesus' feet, than seeing us be sad for you. I think that's part of why I didn't' write before actually. It doesn't seem "mom-like" to write you a letter about how sad we've been without you. So why am I writing today?

I want you to know, I want the world to know, that we are finding joy. Seth, I am finding joy. And as I find my joy again, our family finds joy again.

YOU know, Seth, better than I, how faithful and true God is. And God has, IS restoring our joy. YOU remain a part of that, Seth. There is joy in having been your mom, in BEING your mom. Seth, I feel like I finally appreciate what a gift you have been. I am SO, so grateful.

That, sweet boy, is why I'm writing to you. I wanted you to know. With the grace of God, blessings of God, we are figuring out joy again. Happiness is in our home.

I love you, sweet Seth, and thank God for you every day.

Missing you always, and grateful for your presence in our lives,

Monday, November 15, 2010

IOW Tuesday - Withdrawing from God

I have rarely in my life felt as close to God as I did in the time period closely following Seth's death. Psalm 34:18 says "The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." I know this to be true for I have experienced it in my own life. In those immediate days and weeks, in my desperation, I clung to the Lord and that closeness. When I didn't FEEL it, I clung to the fact that I KNEW it to be true.

As time wore on, I ceased to cling as desperately to the Lord. I became distracted by other things in my life. I had moments when I thought I could manage just fine on my own. I ceased focusing on God as often and with as much intensity.

I could justify it to myself. I had some valid reasons, I suppose. I reached a spot where we'd talk about trusting God and my response would be "yeah, that didn't work out so well for me last time." I realize that was flip and worldly. I reached a point where I hurt and felt hurt by God and I had to process that before I could move on from it. Honestly, I"m not sure I'm done yet, but I want to share this part of my journey. It's been hard getting here. It's hard to be honest about this difficult stuff and that's probably part of the reason it's been so difficult for me to blog lately.

I have a lovely "bloggy" friend, Jenni. Jenni just had her dozenth (or 13th or 10th, I could go look it up but I"m lazy, apologies to Jenni's family!) baby (which might explain why her blog is QUIET lately. Like dust bunnies taking over quiet). At any rate, Jenni had her healthy sweet baby boy just recently. But it was not uneventful. At one point, she, and her doctor, were fairly certain she'd miscarried. It would have been her 9th baby loss. And Jenni hurt and walked away from God. He wooed her back and THEN gave her heart's desire. Thus baby boy Judah. That is the reader's digest condensed version. You can read HER version here. (it's long and beautiful. Really not to be missed).

And I know this will sound crazy, but I envied Jenni her ability to turn her back on God. I hurt so much. And I didn't want to trust God. But I did. And I was/am angry. I LOVE God but I don't always like him (and yes, I KNOW how arrogant and awful that sounds). For a long time, I didn't know what to do about that. I felt like I was a coward. I felt like I was pretending to love God because I was afraid to step away.

Recently, I was reminded of a miracle imparted on my life several years ago. A few months after Kayleigh was born, God healed me of depression. God reminded me that I CAN continue to trust Him. It's not easy but when is trust easy? I am working on making some changes. I'm finding ways to draw closer to God.

God has ALWAYS been there. God has ALWAYS been trustworthy. God doesn't change. God hasn't moved away. The distance I've felt recently is created by ME. God invites me to the actions that will bring us closer. James 4:8 "Come near to God and He will come near to you."

I am making an effort to draw near to God. The only way I know how to do that is by spending more time with Him and more time in His Word. I hope you'll check back and challenge me to share what God is teaching me. I know that He will shine in amazing ways!

Please share your thoughts on the quote by Augustine! Link up below. Leave me a comment to let me know you were here!

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