Saturday, June 11, 2011

Why I miss blogging.

I had an interesting encounter a couple of weeks ago.

Kayleigh's preschool teacher had some concerns about Kayleigh's handwriting. Specifically, she was concerned because Kayleigh can't write her full name by her self. I wasn't horribly concerned but decided I should follow up on getting it checked out, just to be sure.. The boys' school has an occupational therapist on staff. (Well, on school district staff, she rotates schools and is at there school a couple of days a week). She had worked with Sean when he was in 2nd grade. So through the speech therapist (who Kayleigh sees), I sent a message to the OT. She called me one evening and talked me through some written things I could have Kayleigh try and imitate to see where she was at. So I did that. So now I had this sheet to give to the OT. I knew she was there on Wednesday's so I decided one Wednesday morning I'd run up to the school.

So I head up there with Kayleigh's sheet. The office pages the OT down. She looks over Kayleigh's sheet and is very reassuring (yay!). AS I'm getting ready to leave, the OT asks me if we have anymore kids after Kayleigh going into preschool. I pause. As often as not, I'd just say No and move on. But something made me pause. I took a deep breath and spoke.

"No. .. We should... Our youngest son would be three and starting preschool in the fall but he had died." I kind of blurted it out and stood there. Then, the look. Not the look of pity or the stunned deer in the headlights look of a person who has no idea what they're going to say to THAT. The look of compassion. The look of recognition. The look of someone in "the club". If you're in the club, you know the look, you can spot it a mile away. Then she said "I had a son.."

Her son was killed in a car accident. Four and a half years ago. (And I remembered. She was working with Sean then. I remember him coming home and telling me. I remember thinking how awful for a mother. Of course, I didn't know then..).

Right there in the hallway in front of the school office, two moms, missing their boys', connected. She said something about stupid things people say. I agreed. We talked about how it becomes part of your life but never really gets "better". About how, even though people who don't get it wish it would, it never EVER goes away. It was a highlight of my week. She later shared with me that it was a highlight of hers. I told a friend that if I could have encounters like THAT two or three times a month, I wouldn't feel the need to go to the MISS support meetings.

So, why do I miss blogging? Because blogging was where I first met THOSE moms. Those other moms who "get it". The moms who reached out to make sure I felt not alone and abnormal. THOSE moms. YOU dear readers. I met you. And I miss those of you who helped me then.

Sure I see some of you on FB but it's not quite the same deep connection. I also miss myself, if that makes any sense. I discovered things in my writing this blog that I didn't realize until they were in black & white. I miss that too..

I know I've said it before, but I"m going to try and get back to it. Again. Let me know if any one's still out there?