Expectant Hearts

Why I miss blogging.

2011-06-11T09:44:00.000-07:00

I had an interesting encounter a couple of weeks ago.

Kayleigh's preschool teacher had some concerns about Kayleigh's handwriting. Specifically, she was concerned because Kayleigh can't write her full name by her self. I wasn't horribly concerned but decided I should follow up on getting it checked out, just to be sure.. The boys' school has an occupational therapist on staff. (Well, on school district staff, she rotates schools and is at there school a couple of days a week). She had worked with Sean when he was in 2nd grade. So through the speech therapist (who Kayleigh sees), I sent a message to the OT. She called me one evening and talked me through some written things I could have Kayleigh try and imitate to see where she was at. So I did that. So now I had this sheet to give to the OT. I knew she was there on Wednesday's so I decided one Wednesday morning I'd run up to the school.

So I head up there with Kayleigh's sheet. The office pages the OT down. She looks over Kayleigh's sheet and is very reassuring (yay!). AS I'm getting ready to leave, the OT asks me if we have anymore kids after Kayleigh going into preschool. I pause. As often as not, I'd just say No and move on. But something made me pause. I took a deep breath and spoke.

"No. .. We should... Our youngest son would be three and starting preschool in the fall but he had died." I kind of blurted it out and stood there. Then, the look. Not the look of pity or the stunned deer in the headlights look of a person who has no idea what they're going to say to THAT. The look of compassion. The look of recognition. The look of someone in "the club". If you're in the club, you know the look, you can spot it a mile away. Then she said "I had a son.."

Her son was killed in a car accident. Four and a half years ago. (And I remembered. She was working with Sean then. I remember him coming home and telling me. I remember thinking how awful for a mother. Of course, I didn't know then..).

Right there in the hallway in front of the school office, two moms, missing their boys', connected. She said something about stupid things people say. I agreed. We talked about how it becomes part of your life but never really gets "better". About how, even though people who don't get it wish it would, it never EVER goes away. It was a highlight of my week. She later shared with me that it was a highlight of hers. I told a friend that if I could have encounters like THAT two or three times a month, I wouldn't feel the need to go to the MISS support meetings.

So, why do I miss blogging? Because blogging was where I first met THOSE moms. Those other moms who "get it". The moms who reached out to make sure I felt not alone and abnormal. THOSE moms. YOU dear readers. I met you. And I miss those of you who helped me then.

Sure I see some of you on FB but it's not quite the same deep connection. I also miss myself, if that makes any sense. I discovered things in my writing this blog that I didn't realize until they were in black & white. I miss that too..

I know I've said it before, but I"m going to try and get back to it. Again. Let me know if any one's still out there?

God never fails.

2010-12-10T23:53:00.000-08:00

God never fails. God NEVER fails.

"Help me, Lord, my God. Save me according to your unfailing love." (Psalm 109:25-27)

I know this. Even when Seth died, I KNEW it was not a failure on God's part. I don't claim to understand how God works. And I admit that in the hurt that followed, I haven't always done a good job (or even a mediocre job. Or sometimes even something that would qualify as a poor job) of trusting God. Yet, God is gentle with me.

"Though he brings grief, He will show compassion. So great is His unfailing love." (Lamentations 3:32)

God never fails to show me His love. He never fails to use our journey with Seth to bless me.

This week, I had two opportunities to share Seth's story. On Thursday, a friend did a presentation to her class, a group of students learning to be heart cath. technicians. She did HLHS and presented Seth's case. I was invited to come observe and given the opportunity to speak which I appreciated greatly.

On Friday, I was part of a parent panel presenting to a group of student nurses. We share the stories of our infant loss in the hopes that they will be prepared to be more compassionate as nurses. And, as usual, God blessed ME!

I have a dear friend, Diane. Diane and I haven't spoken for a VERY long time. It was just one of those situations where we've lost touch. We share the same birthday (not birth year, she's like a big sister to me) and I think of her often, especially lately. She lost a sister in childhood so while she doesn't have children, I know she understands great loss.

So, I'm leaving this nursing class on Friday. In my car, headed down the road. As I'm making a left turn, I stop for a pedestrian. I wave her across the street and realize, it's DIANE! Making a long story not any longer than it needs to be, I drive around the block, park and FIND her inside the building! We exchanged phone numbers and are going to have lunch over Christmas break.

I know, a lot of people would say "what a nice coincidence." But I don't believe in coincidences. "Be aware of the coincidences in your life, for they may be small miracles". I believe in God-incidences! God used that moment, which I wouldn't have been in if not for Seth, to reunite me with an old friend. And I am blessed for it!

"Let your face shine on your servant; Save me in your unfailing love." (Psalm 31:15-17)

Lest we think I'm "over it"...

2010-11-25T21:20:00.000-08:00

Today was hard.

Yesterday, Leland and I went up to the hospital. The PICU was out of Kleenex. Personally, any family in PICU over Thanksgiving deserves soft Kleenex, in my opinion. So we ran up with some candy (chocolate and licorice) for the nurses and boxes of Kleenex for patient's families.

I did okay there. I was able to tell them "Yes, I'm doing well. WE're doing well...... The kids are great... I am looking foward to the holidays for the first time in years."

Later in the afternoon, I met my sister & sister in law at the mall for our traditional "all" the grandkids Santa picture. And that part of yesterday sucked.

And today was hard. I basically threw a temper tantrum this morning. And I knew it. I was, I am, missing Seth. Holidays all about family are more difficult now. I suppose there's just no way around it.

I am trying to figure all this out. God is faithful. I know that. He holds us in the palm of His hand. Even when I'm hurting, I can manage to be thankful for that.

Happy Thanksgiving, Friends.

Missing him...

2010-11-21T14:30:00.000-08:00

Today is a missing day.

Today we celebrate Thanksgiving with my side of the family.

My sister is here from out of town with her son, Jack. My brother's family lives here in town. So we will gather, 3 out of 4 of my mom's children (only 1 spouse... Leland's working, Tom, my sister's husband, didn't travel with them). "All" of my mom's grandchildren. Except of course, Seth.

And the kids will play together. And there will be laughter, and wine, and food, and games.

And if anyone else feels the absence of our youngest son, the youngest grandchild, the youngest nephew, no one will say anything.

As is usually the case, I will feel alone in my missing.

Six Words Saturday

2010-11-20T13:25:00.000-08:00

Even with joy, Grief's still present.

I stand by my last post. (The one immediately below this one.) I am doing much better, and it's a testimony to God's faithfulness to have joy back in my life. But I still miss Seth.

Today, my heart hurts.. One of the most difficult issues for me has been trying to find a "balance". To miss Seth and still feel joy. To feel joy and not think it sends the message to the entire world that I'm "over it". I'll never be "over" it. There will always be a hole in my heart.

Even with joy, Grief's still present.

Link up to Cate's "Show My Face" blog and leave your own 6 word Saturday post.

An Open Letter...

2010-11-18T22:01:00.000-08:00

Dear Seth,

I thought of you today.

That's no surprise. I think of you EVERY day. Every minute really. To NOT think of you, would be the surprise. Just as Sean, Cary, and Kayleigh are always on my mind, so are you. It's odd, of course. People expect me to think of Sean and Cary and Kayleigh. For reasons I don't understand, the fact that I think of YOU, just as I do your siblings, seems to make others uncomfortable. But, sweet boy, that's a post for another day.

It's different, my writing to you. It's not an unusual format. Kristine wrote to Cora. Jill writes to Joshua. Kim writes to Ewan. It's just not something I'd done, before now.

Honestly, I think it was too hard. I talked to you all the time, in my head. Oh, I know you don't hear me. I would much rather think of you playing in Heaven, at Jesus' feet, than seeing us be sad for you. I think that's part of why I didn't' write before actually. It doesn't seem "mom-like" to write you a letter about how sad we've been without you. So why am I writing today?

I want you to know, I want the world to know, that we are finding joy. Seth, I am finding joy. And as I find my joy again, our family finds joy again.

YOU know, Seth, better than I, how faithful and true God is. And God has, IS restoring our joy. YOU remain a part of that, Seth. There is joy in having been your mom, in BEING your mom. Seth, I feel like I finally appreciate what a gift you have been. I am SO, so grateful.

That, sweet boy, is why I'm writing to you. I wanted you to know. With the grace of God, blessings of God, we are figuring out joy again. Happiness is in our home.

I love you, sweet Seth, and thank God for you every day.

Missing you always, and grateful for your presence in our lives,
Mommy

IOW Tuesday - Withdrawing from God

2010-11-15T20:14:00.000-08:00

I have rarely in my life felt as close to God as I did in the time period closely following Seth's death. Psalm 34:18 says "The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." I know this to be true for I have experienced it in my own life. In those immediate days and weeks, in my desperation, I clung to the Lord and that closeness. When I didn't FEEL it, I clung to the fact that I KNEW it to be true.

As time wore on, I ceased to cling as desperately to the Lord. I became distracted by other things in my life. I had moments when I thought I could manage just fine on my own. I ceased focusing on God as often and with as much intensity.

I could justify it to myself. I had some valid reasons, I suppose. I reached a spot where we'd talk about trusting God and my response would be "yeah, that didn't work out so well for me last time." I realize that was flip and worldly. I reached a point where I hurt and felt hurt by God and I had to process that before I could move on from it. Honestly, I"m not sure I'm done yet, but I want to share this part of my journey. It's been hard getting here. It's hard to be honest about this difficult stuff and that's probably part of the reason it's been so difficult for me to blog lately.

I have a lovely "bloggy" friend, Jenni. Jenni just had her dozenth (or 13th or 10th, I could go look it up but I"m lazy, apologies to Jenni's family!) baby (which might explain why her blog is QUIET lately. Like dust bunnies taking over quiet). At any rate, Jenni had her healthy sweet baby boy just recently. But it was not uneventful. At one point, she, and her doctor, were fairly certain she'd miscarried. It would have been her 9th baby loss. And Jenni hurt and walked away from God. He wooed her back and THEN gave her heart's desire. Thus baby boy Judah. That is the reader's digest condensed version. You can read HER version here. (it's long and beautiful. Really not to be missed).

And I know this will sound crazy, but I envied Jenni her ability to turn her back on God. I hurt so much. And I didn't want to trust God. But I did. And I was/am angry. I LOVE God but I don't always like him (and yes, I KNOW how arrogant and awful that sounds). For a long time, I didn't know what to do about that. I felt like I was a coward. I felt like I was pretending to love God because I was afraid to step away.

Recently, I was reminded of a miracle imparted on my life several years ago. A few months after Kayleigh was born, God healed me of depression. God reminded me that I CAN continue to trust Him. It's not easy but when is trust easy? I am working on making some changes. I'm finding ways to draw closer to God.

God has ALWAYS been there. God has ALWAYS been trustworthy. God doesn't change. God hasn't moved away. The distance I've felt recently is created by ME. God invites me to the actions that will bring us closer. James 4:8 "Come near to God and He will come near to you."

I am making an effort to draw near to God. The only way I know how to do that is by spending more time with Him and more time in His Word. I hope you'll check back and challenge me to share what God is teaching me. I know that He will shine in amazing ways!

Please share your thoughts on the quote by Augustine! Link up below. Leave me a comment to let me know you were here!

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Middle of the night musings...

2010-10-06T02:11:00.000-07:00

I haven't been feeling well. I slept for HOURS upon HOURS yesterday. Tonight, sleep won't come easy.

I am sitting here, in the quiet of my house, in the middle of the night. My brain is whirring and many thoughts are coming to me...

Thoughts of Seth.

Thoughts of Cora. Cora died in her mother's arms at 5 days old from an undiagnosed heart defect. Cora's mom, Kristine, spreads Cora's story and saves lives.

Thoughts of Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn died last week in the arms of her parents. She had HLHS (like Seth) and was also a stroke survivor. Her little body fought long and hard (Kaitlyn was 3) and she ultimately couldn't overcome the lung clot that took her life.

Thoughts of Dakota & Mizuko. Dakota entered our world still years before I came to know his mama.. and his baby brother, Mizuko, just recently entered his parents' realm and left all too soon. Kara helps other hurting mamas become comfortable again in their own skins. Or at least that's what she's done for me.

Thoughts of Ewan. Ewan had a congenital heart defect with severe complications. He graced our world for 14 days. His mama has beautifully shared him with so many people she doesn't even know.

Honestly, Ewan's mama is mostly where my thoughts and heart are. We've never met. We just recently became facebook friends. She lives closer to me than most people I've met in the CHD (Congenital Heart Defect) Community. But at the same time, she is across the state. Too far for me to go and sit with her in silence. And so I sit, these hundreds of miles away. But I want her to know..

I want her to know that sweet Ewan will not be forgotten. That her bravery and honor and grace are noticed and esteemed. That other mama's know, she fought the hard fight, and we know the anguish she feels now that the fight is over. But mostly I want to thank her for sharing her little warrior with the rest of the world.

Ewan Eliezer means God's grace and God is my help. God's grace and help was with Ewan. May it be with Kirstin. May it be with us all.

As we sit in silence.

I want to want to...

2010-09-06T22:26:00.000-07:00

And no, that's not a typo in my header. I'll get to explaining that in a moment. First, I am hosting In Other Words Tuesday again! And I'm late because the holiday threw me off. So upward and onward we go:

Stop fighting, stop resisting, stop complaining and start trusting your sovereign Heavenly Father; refuse to worry.

~Chip Ingram

When I first saw this quote, what really caught my eye was: start trusting... refuse to worry. I remember thinking, somewhat arrogantly, "Oh, yeah, I've got that down. I trust God, I'm not worried about much of anything anymore." This was probably four months ago. I don't know if I was in a better spot then or just ignoring my problems. I mean, I don't really worry much since Seth went to Heaven. I tend to lean along "I certainly don't welcome loss, but we've survived it by the grace of God.". But these days, I am very convicted by the beginning of that quote:

Stop fighting, stop resisting, stop complaining. I try not to complain much. I would say that i am moderately successful at that. But oh, I fight, and I resist. As we approach the two year anniversary of Seth going to Heaven, I still fight and resist this path. On a regular basis, I find myself pleading for my baby. And God speaks to my heart: Stop Resisting. Start trusting your sovereign heavenly Father.

Start trusting my sovereign heavenly Father. Here's my take on that. I know that we live in a fallen sinful world. Things happen, like babies being born with broken hearts, as a consequence of sin in this world (not necessarily MY sin, that's not what I'm saying, sin overall). BUT if I believe our Lord is sovereign, and I do, and if I believe that sovereignty means our Lord has power over all, and I do, then I must believe that things unfold in this world the way they are meant to under God's sovereignty. Which basically means, things are exactly as they should be. And that, my friends, I fight and resist and complain. Because I fail to trust God.

I fail to believe that all things happen for the glory of God. That my heavenly Father is the redeemer of all situations. I fight and resist and carry on instead of trusting. But, here's the other part of it. I WANT to trust. And on days when I can't bring myself to lay down my longing for my son, I simply want to WANT to trust God. God knows that I am a mere fallen human living in a fallen world. He holds me up so that I am able to trust Him. But it is MY duty in that to stop fighting, stop resisting, stop complaining and refuse to worry. I trust in the Lord, and rest in His peace.

"You, Lord, give true peace to those who depend on you, because they trust you. So, trust the Lord always because

He is our rock forever."

~Isaiah 26:3-4

Please link up and share your view on today's quote.

Seth's story, Our story

2010-08-29T21:49:00.000-07:00

I discovered the blog "When Life Hands You a Broken Heart, Create HOPE" on Facebook. For the past week, she has been hosting "Every Heart has a Story". I have shared parts of Seth's story before so I'm just going to offer a bit of a summary.

The story of Seth's heart: Seth was born on March 27, 2008 with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS). We knew prenatally and were expecting surgery, etc when he was born. Seth was put on prostaglandin and had apnea attacks requiring oxygen from the beginning. We were not able to hold him much before surgery or at all for two weeks after surgery. Recovery was bumpy but not Hugely eventful. Seth came home on May 17, 2008.

We were all together as a family for the summer of 2008. We were able to love on Seth and get to know him. The story of Seth's heart is also the story of a sweet little boy. A little boy who smiled for the first time at his two year old sister. A little boy who cooed and giggled as his big brothers leaned over the bassinet to talk to him. A little boy whose family had dreams and hopes for him and our future together.

Seth's Glenn surgery was on Sept. 11, 2008. Surgery went well but he was not able to be extubated easily. He coded on Sept. 17, 2008, suffering neurological damage. The extent of the damage was not fully known for a couple of weeks. On October 2, 2008, we made the difficult heart wrenching decision to discontinue invasive medical treatments and keep Seth as comfortable as possible for as long as we had him. Leland and I moved into the hospital, the big kids, especially the boys, came up and visited a few times.

On October 12, 2008, Seth went from my arms into the arms of Jesus. He was buried on October 16 and we said our final "Until we see you again" on October 17th.

But here's the main thing I want to share. That's not the end of Seth's story. It may not be a dramatic story. We don't have a foundation to spread awareness like the Chloe Duyck Memorial Foundation. Or save lives like Cora and her mom do with Cora's Story. I take Kleenex boxes to the hospital to encourage other families in PICU who need a "soft cry". In March of 2010, we did the first "Something for Seth" collecting blankets, onesies, socks, and other touch-of-home supplies to encourage families in the PICU.

Seth's story lives on. And it lives on in the heart of me, a mom figuring out how to live without her baby (still, two years later), a mom figuring out how to glorify God even in her hurt.

Seth's story lives on in the heart of his daddy. A dad who was strong and brave when the mama and the siblings need him to be. But is broken and tender when he needs to be. A daddy who is striving to live as a man of God.

Seth's story lives on in the heart of Sean. A big brother who loved to lean over the bassinet and make his baby brother smile. A big brother who does his best to hide how much he misses his little baby brother so he won't hurt the feelings of the mama.

Seth's story lives on in the heart of Cary. A brother blessed enough to have a big brother and a little brother and sister. A brother who asks to have a few moments alone at the cemetery so he can cry and miss his little brother.

Seth's story lives on in the heart of Kayleigh. A little sister who is a big sister, except you can't tell that by looking at our family. A girl often called the youngest but she knows she's not. A darling sister who speaks often of her "baby Sef" and seeing him in Heaven.

Yes, every heart has a story. Seth's story is also part of the story of Kayleigh's heart and Cary's heart. Of Sean's heart and Leland's heart. Seth's story is and will always be a part of the story of MY heart.

I've been mislead..

2010-08-22T23:25:00.000-07:00

Somewhere in my life, I had the perception that Sunday afternoons were supposed to be relaxing. This afternoon was not relaxing.

How could it be relaxing? It involved an Emergency Room visit AND a 911 call over two separate issues.. Who does THAT happen to? Let me fill you in!

It all started when our sweet little girl decided she was going to open the big garage door ALL.BY.HERSELF. Daddy said the door opened and Kayleigh disappeared. Yeah, cause she was in the house crying to me. "Blood, OWIE, waahhh" etc. The best we could figure out? She opened the big door, and in the process, got her fingers run over on the track.

Now, Kayleigh's usually pretty tough. So for her to carry on about pain is sort of a red flag. Leland and I were debating if we needed an Emergency Room visit. I decided to take Kayleigh for a drive and see if I could calm her down. In the meantime, Kayleigh has decided SHE needs to go to the doctor.

On the way up to the hospital, she alluded to something about seeing Seth. "Kayleigh, you remember baby Seth is in Heaven, right?" By the time we got to the ER, and got triaged, she was doing much better. I decided we didn't need to be seen. "Kayleigh, I think we can go home now" "Okay. But not until we see baby Seth." ::::Sigh:::: We decided to go upstairs and visit our friend baby Jethro. Jethro has tricuspid atresia, hypoplastic right heart syndrome and just had his Glenn surgery last week. He's currently in the same room Seth was in post-Glenn. But that's an entirely different post.

So Kayleigh and I visit Jethro, and a bunch of PICU nurse friends. We have a treat in the cafeteria. I offered ice cream. Kayleigh chose broccoli, carrots, cherry tomatoes and cucumber from the salad bar. Whose daughter is she???

So after a somewhat emotional visit, Kayleigh and I headed home. So we're in the van. We stop at a red light about 3 cars back from the light. I notice the driver in the SUV at the light stick his arm out the window and motion to the car next to him, that "come here" motion. A guy jumps out of the passenger side of the car next to them and before I know it, they are rolling around in the middle of the street and fighting. Meanwhile, the light turns green. No one can move because these are the two vehicles at the front of the line. I called 911. By the end of my call, the operator said that they were receiving several calls.

So THAT was my adventurous Sunday afternoon.. So much for quiet and relaxing, huh?

IOW Tuesday - Suffering People

2010-06-28T23:20:00.001-07:00

It's time to host another "In Other Words Tuesday". Does this seem like the only time I post? I'm sorry about that and I"m going to try and do better! For my turn to host "IOW Tuesday", I have miscellaneous quotes floating all over my house. (Literally, little scraps of paper that wind up wherever). About the time Loni starts to ~~nag~~ ask nicely for my quote, I dig one up. This month, Loni asked, I started to panic about finding my pieces of paper and a friend of mine put a quote on Facebook that I HAD to use!

To be honest, I'm not quite sure where to start with this quote. Except that I KNOW it to be true. I have been on both sides of this coin, sometimes both sides at the same time! When Seth was dying, my co-worker, Cathey, and her husband, Keith, just came along side us. (JUST!). They had lost a son 20 years ago, at 18 months of age. I remember that I looked forward to Cathey coming up to the hospital because she GOT it. I could literally tell Cathey ANYTHING and often did in a walk around the hospital grounds. In my suffering and brokenness, Cathey came alongside and shared from HER heart and her previous suffering. God used HER as an ambassador to meet my needs.

More recently, I was given the opportunity to minister to someone. (Except of course, as God would have it, it was again a mutual ministering). Awhile back, I heard of a baby born at Sacred Heart with a very severe congenital heart defect. I'm not even sure how it happened at this point but the mom and I friended each other on FaceBook and eventually I went up and met Tracy and Jethro at the hospital. And here's the "God thing". Tracy lost a baby. I lost a cardiac baby. We have suffered and are able to lend each other a hand up. I LOVE how God orchestrates us as His ambassadors!

Here's the thing as I see it. It's VERY hard to live out of suffering and brokenness. Most days, I miss Seth so much that I just want to pretend I"m okay. I certainly don't want to show you my pain. A friend of ours is an acquaintance of one of Seth's nurses. A few weeks after Seth went to Heaven, my friend and this nurse met up in the super market. The nurse said that she wanted what we had. What WE had. We had a lot of pain and sorrow. But we also had GOD. Leland and I clung to God because there was nothing else we can do. And we didn't try to hide it from those around us, nurses, friends, doctors, etc, because there just wasn't any point.

I am a messy, wimpy person. I don't know what God's plan for me is, how he intends to use my life to bring Glory to Him. I am just extremely grateful to be along for the ride!

Please link up below to share YOUR take on this meaty quote! (I know I didn't do it justice and I can't wait to see what others have to say!)

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In Other Words Tuesday

2010-03-29T22:51:00.000-07:00

Faith saith not 'It is good for me,

so God must have sent it' but rather

'God sent it, so it must be good for me".

Phillips Brooks

I've been seeing a counselor off and on for several years. More on, of course, since Seth went to Heaven. In the past year, I also started seeing the nurse practitioner in his office (for anti-depressants). She has a basket full of quotes on little pieces of paper and every time I see her I get to pick a "thought for the day." I usually go through the basket until I find a thought/quote that resonates with me. Last visit I picked the quote you see above.

It's a hard quote to wrap your brain around, isn't it?

(I am going to be fair to myself.. I need to go to bed. I'm posting this as is, so others can link up and will edit in my thoughts Tuesday as soon as I can. Sorry for the delay) (Grateful for the break I took as it helped me get my thoughts more together on this!)

I think it is important to acknowledge that part of faith IS recognizing the good things from God. I talked about that in another In Other Words Tuesday post - Messages from God. I know people, good God-loving people, who admit that they aren't always quick to acknowledge God in the little "coincidences" in their lives. We recently did Something for Seth. I told a friend last week (prefaced with "I know this sounds ridiculous to you") that when I put that request for items on my FB page and my blog, I was secretly afraid there would be no response. Saturday evening would find Leland, I, and the paltry few things we could gather, up at the hospital. I need not have worried. God used my many friends and family to BLESS our socks off (and consequently the hospital staff) with an AMAZING turn out. (Blog post to follow soon with pictures). I think it's important to have faith for and acknowledge God in the "good" things. But that's not the meat of this quote is it?

"Faith saith.....'God sent it so it must be good for me". Think about that for a moment. Regardless of what it is, God sent it, so it must be good for me. Wow. I can think of lots of things where "it must be good for me" is not the immediate reaction; cancer, death of a spouse, infertility, miscarriage, loss of a child. So let me address how that has fit into MY life, in the past and recently. (You might want to get a cup of tea, I think I'm going to get long winded).

Fourteen years ago, more or less, Leland and I decided it was time to start a family. (Did you catch that? WE decided. Neither of us was in relationship with the Lord at that point.) We got pregnant fairly quickly, found a doctor, things were swimming right along. At about 11 weeks, I started spotting. Our doctor was fairly reassuring but ultimately 10 days later an ultrasound diagnosed a miscarriage. To say I was devastated would be an understatement of pretty good proportion. I literally felt like the world tilted on it's axis. For weeks, I felt as if I was walking around upright and the rest of the world was at a 45 degree angle. And I was angry. Boy, was I angry. I don't do anger well so after that, I was depressed. I was a mess, for a YEAR. I couldn't understand WHY God would let us get pregnant right away (good!) and then take our baby away (good????). But, here's the crux of that situation; somewhere in that year plus of being angry at God, I started seeking God, and more importantly, finding Him (good!). I now look back and directly credit that miscarriage experience with bringing me into relationship with God (VERY good!). "God sent it to me, so it must be good". Okay, so I can see that fourteen years ago, what about two years ago?

A little more than four years ago, our 3rd child, our first baby girl was born. And I remember looking at her, the first time I held her, and thinking "Our family could be complete now". (good!). A little less than three years ago, we found out we were pregnant again! (Unexpected, but still good!). Then we found out something was wrong with the baby and, almost exactly two years ago, Seth was born with half a heart. Good?? Hard to see but I could find it there. Seth struggled after his first open heart surgery but he did okay. I was able to be a friend to a new mom whose baby had a heart defect. I could pray that the nurses and doctors saw God as our strength. I could see good in that.

Seth only spent 200 days with us before God called him home. (Good??????) This time the good was hard to find. It's been hard to find. So I've done a few things.. I've realized over the course of the last fourteen years (and especially the last three) that God's definition of good and mine are not the same. For one thing, God created the world and "saw that it was good" (Genesis 1). God has a WAY bigger perspective than I do. That's one way in which the last fourteen years have been a blessing. Because of that miscarriage, horrible as it was at the time, I can look back and SEE God's good in it. I have a teeny bit of big-picture perspective. Granted, that doesn't go a long way in helping me see good in not having Seth here with us. But that's where FAITH comes in. I don't in my own power and will have the ability to see everything as good. I do have the faith that God is good and "we know in all things that God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28). I don't quote that glibly. I have struggled.

One of the things I have had a tendency to do is weigh the good I've seen against the bad I've seen. For instance, while Seth was recovering from an open heart surgery he endured at only five days old, I was able to minister to a new mom. I can see good in that.. That ones a bit easier because Seth came home at the end of that time. I've met and been able to be a friend to and with other moms who have lost children. Okay, well.. I've been able to do good by sharing Seth's story with nurses and student nurses.. We did "Something for Seth".. And you know what, in my humanness, those do NOT outweigh the bad of losing Seth. I'm glad for those small goods but I would trade them in, in a heartbeat, for the big good miracle of having Seth healed and here. But you know something that should be obvious and took me a ridiculously long time to recognize? I DON'T GET A CHOICE.

It doesn't really matter one way or another if I think the good is enough, it's all there is. So again, enter FAITH. If God reigns in my life, then things in my life are exactly as they SHOULD be. God does reign in my life. And "God sent it to me, so it must be good". God sent us Seth with half a heart, God knew, FROM THE BEGINNING of time, that Seth would have 200 days on this earth. And because he came from God, it must be good.

Don't get me wrong here; I do NOT have this all figured out. Many days, I know this in my head and struggle in my heart. Many days I can't see the good and I just want my baby back. God is gentle with me and we'll get through it together. THAT is faith.

We rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. (Romans 5:2-5)

I miss Seth every day but I DO have hope. I have greater hope partially because of Seth's heart defect, because I know that I can, with God, persevere until we can be together again. And THAT is the BEST good of all!

Happy 2nd birthday, Seth!

2010-03-27T10:03:00.001-07:00

Seth would be two today. We sang Happy Birthday this morning; Cary, Kayleigh and I. Sean is at a Bible Quiz meet out of town and Leland was already working. Kayleigh laid out a spread of cookies and pop and strawberries and sugar snap peas and baby carrots at 7am. Later today Leland and I are taking the "Something for Seth" items up to the hospital, visiting nurses, and going out for dinner.

I wanted to share more, but I just can't right now. So I'm going to leave you with a couple of videos FB friends of mine have graciously made. (I hope the links work).

The first video uses select pictures and begins with the song I used to sing to Seth:

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

This one is almost Seth's life in pictures!

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

We miss you sweet boy and love you very much!

Something for Seth

2010-03-27T00:00:00.000-07:00

(This is a "sticky" post. Scroll down for more.)

I wanted to be able to share a pretty flyer, etc but I'm behind the 8 ball yet again, and I don't want to not do this because I got hung up by my perfectionism!

Seth's 2nd birthday would be March 27th. I really wanted to do something to remember him this year (I didn't last year.. still too out of it, I think). So I'm doing a Donation Drive for our local Pediatric Intensive Care Unit (PICU). I figured out the other night, we had Seth for 200 days and he spent 86 of those in the hospital.. almost 80 in PICU. The nurses were a huge support and I want to somehow give back.

So on Saturday, March 27th, I'm taking supplies up to the PICU. I'm collecting the following:

Onesies, in all sizes

Socks, newborn to teen sizes

Pillow cases & Blankies

Bath & body type items for teens

If you would like to help donate "Something for Seth" (and I hope some of you will!), please leave a comment with contact info (or set up your profile so I can email back to you, see here if you don't know what I'm talking about.)

Thank you for your help! Please spread the word.

A Special Visitor!

2010-02-03T23:05:00.000-08:00

We were very blessed recently to receive a visit from Patches, the bear!

Ter, at With an Angel on my Shoulder, started sending Patches around the country (and Canada) to help "patch up" the broken hearts of mommy's recovering from pregnancy or infant loss..

Patches came to me from Emmalee in Utah. She sweetly sent a gift WITH Patches:

(It's a little hard to see but obviously it's Seth's name and that's Patches up by the S. This is a digital copy. She actually sent one IN a frame! It's in "Seth's corner" at our house.)

I am so touched by how much it blesses me to see Seth's name. Thank you, Emmalee!!

And at our house, I was NOT the only one excited to see Patches.

All three of my "big kids" were excited to see Patches but Kayleigh immediately fell head over heels in love. So in love as a matter of fact...

I had the opportunity to spend a quiet day with Patches at home. Together, we took some time to remember Seth and I took the opportunity to share somethings Seth missed out on.

This frog has appeared on my blog before. This was one of Seth's "stuffies" primarily during his first hospital stay. The Chaplain reminded us of the acronym; Fully Relying On God.

When Seth was born, my sister was on a cruise in the Cayman Islands. She called when she could to check in on us and she sent Seth this sweet piggy bank from the Cayman's. (The big kids got Tshirts).

After Seth went to Heaven, I was bound and determined to do something fun with the big kids. We were blessed to be able to go to Disneyland and I've talked a bit about that trip here. While there, we were blessed to experience some real Disney magic and part of that inclulded being instructed to go to City Hall where we recieved these mouse ears for Seth. I love them, and of course, Seth never got to see them so it was fun to "show" them to Patches.

A day or two before Patches showed up on our door step, I received this handkerchief from Deb at For Your Tears. It seemed fitting to pose them together.

A day or two after my quiet day with Patches, remembering Seth, I had a quiet day with Cary. We did a few things together and so we also went by the cemetery

Because Cary was with me, he took a picture of me.. Please don't notice.. well, me!

And so I dont' have to leave you with THAT image in your head, one last picture:

Each kid insisted on a chance to hold Patches for the picture and since Sean occasionally reads my blog, I need to share his!

I really enjoyed my time with Patches. I've been negligent in sending him on but I will get him on his way to Heather's pronto. Ter, this was an amazing idea. I was surprised by how much just revisiting Seths things and acknowledging the things we have for him, in his memory, impacted me. Thanks for giving me this opportunity!

IOW Tuesday - Messages from God

2010-01-18T21:55:00.000-08:00

A long time ago, before I was even a believer, I was browsing an "Elf Help" book. One of the pages showed an elf trying to get out a door with a HUGE stack of presents, and another elf was holding the door for him. The caption said: Be aware of the coincidences in your life; they may be small miracles. I have adopted that as a bit of a life philosophy, choosing to believe more in "God-incidences" then coincidences. And that's a big part of why I picked the quote for this week:

“Every happening, great or small, is a parable whereby God speaks to us, and the art of life is to get the message.”

Malcolm Muggeridge

I have experienced this in my every day life, in big and small things. When Seth was in the hospital the first time, I frequently visited the vending machine down the hall. Many days the Reeses peanut butter cups were what kept me going. One particular day, we'd had a rough day. I don't' remember the details of that but most likely Seth had been re-intubated. I remember dumping out my wallet, I had the right amount of change but a portion of it was pennies and I was fairly sure the vending machine didn't take pennies. I had to try anyway. I put a penny in first and heard it clink clunk all the way to the bottom. Sadly, I reached my fingers in to pull out my penny. And I found a QUARTER! I literally burst into tears, thanking God. All I needed was 10 cents and He gave me 15 cents to spare! Some people would call that a coincidence. I call it a small miracle.

After Seth passed away, I was at a conference at our church. A woman came up to me, who I didn't recognize and introduced herself. She was a night-shift labor & delivery nurse at the hospital Seth where I delivered Seth. She wanted me to know that when Seth was in the hospital, she had gone over to PICU and prayed over him at night. Coincidence or miracle?

I know that I'm still missing out on some of the messages God has to give me. I"m fully aware that I do not know it all and I have a long way to go. But here's one thing I HAVE learned. God loves me. ME. I have a friend who says "I"m God's favorite.. and so are you." THAT is a lesson I have finally learned. I've learned it because God speaks to me, in the big and small happenings in my life.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son. That whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

Please share what the quote above means to you and link up below!

Something silly..

2010-01-14T15:58:00.000-08:00

Have you seen the Cottonelle over/under commericials? And the poll on Facebook? Well, I'm a member of "Team UNDER". I'm entering to win a month's worth of Cottonelle in a contest sponsored by Moms Blogger Club. Leave a comment on this post and YOU could win 1 of 10 Cottonelle gift baskets, drawing to be held January 29th.. Silly, I know. But I can't resist an opportunity to win something!

Not Me Monday - 2010 - Vol. 1

2010-01-03T22:49:00.000-08:00

I've said it before, and I'll likely say it again, the good thing about NOT doing a weekly "Not Me Monday"? When I finally get one up, I've got LOTS of fodder for it! I suspect you'll enjoy hearing about all the things I did NOT do over the last month and then you can head over to MckMama's blog and see what OTHERS are NOT doing!

I did NOT, shortly before Christmas, drive into a median, DEAD center, effectively killing the oil pan on my minivan. To my credit, as a wife who actually LISTENS to her husband, if I HAD done that, I would have, when the oil light came on, PROMPTLY pulled over and called a tow truck. Of course, I didn't run into a median so all the rest is hypothetical.

If I HAD run into said median (as discussed above) and required a tow truck to bring me home, I would NOT have, while said tow truck was backing minivan into garage, broke my ONLY house key off in the back door lock. Such a break would NOT have resulted in needing to call my husband to come home from work and let me in the house. That would NEVER happen. (Because I AM a former girl scout and would be PREPARED with a spare key somewhere accessible).

In addition to the above vehicle drama, if I had to drive my husband's car to church (due to, you know, an incapacitated oil pan), I would NOT have left the headlights in my husband's car on during our service. This action would NOT have resulted in having my vehicle jump started 36 hours after having had another vehicle towed. Never happen. I would be WAY more careful than that vehicle-wise.

Heck, I could call this the Not-Me-Monday vehicle edition.. I think I'll stop there. And save up more fodder for next week! Head on over to MckMama's and see what others have NOT done over the past week (or longer).

Feeling Sad...

2010-01-03T21:51:00.000-08:00

Loss is hard. Any loss of a loved one is hard. Losing a child, I sometimes believe, is exceptionally difficult because it is so unnatural. One of the things I've really struggled with is finding a way to keep Seth alive for our family. Yes, he is in Heaven now but he was still here; he was still Sean's little brother, and Cary's little brother; he still made Kayleigh a big sister. It is extremely frustrating to me when people refer to Kayleigh as our youngest.. She is NOT our youngest child..she is not the "baby". EVEN Kayleigh can tell you we have "Baby Seth in Heaven".

I am coming, rather slowly, to the painful conclusion that outside of my immediate family, and some extremely understanding friends, people are not going to join us in remembering Seth. I am still looking for ways to memorialize him in our lives. I have a few things floating around in my mind.. maybe a "supply drive" for the PICU at our hospital for his 2nd birthday the end of March. But sadly, I don't believe my extended family will be joining me in most of those efforts.

We were at a family members last night.. and they have an ornament on their tree that I assume (based on past history) was a gift from another family member. The ornament looks a lot like this:

The ornament I saw is dated 2009. And it has more snowflakes. Seven snowflakes to be exact. And the names on the snowflakes? My kids and their many cousins... Noticeably absent from the ornament? (To me anyway) Seth. I keep thinking that they must not know how much it hurts me to see Seth left off and out..

Remember the "Seth bear" we chose to include in our Christmas pictures? Let's just say that the extended family portrait didn't' work out as well and leave it at that..

I'm finally realizing that I am not going to be able to change it. I can't make them remember with us. I can't change it. Not being able to talk about Seth or acknowledge him with the people who love us, it's kind of like losing a little bit of Seth every day....

TSMS - An open letter to Third Day

2010-01-02T11:10:00.001-08:00

I haven't done a "Then Sings My Soul Saturday" with Amy at Signs, Miracles, and Wonders for quite awhile.. I'm trying to get back into blogging.. Still figuring out what this looks like now that I feel "better". Still missing Seth and trying to figure out how to remember him and honor his life. One of the things I realized is that I tend to hold back on sharing. I have this fear that I"ll run out of things to share and regret having used them all up. Yes, I realize how silly that sounds and I'm making an effort to challenge that thinking myself. To that end, the song Tunnel by Third Day was a hugely impactful part of our journey with Seth. I had the opportunity (through a bloggy friend) to send a letter via email to Mac Powell of Third Day. I did that and I thought I would share the letter here as well. First, the song:

And next, the lengthy letter (which also serves as a recap to Seth's story):

In August of 2007, my husband and I learned we were unexpectedly pregnant with our fourth child. The timing, honestly, seemed bad. I'd just re-entered the work force (part time, at our church), our then youngest was only 18 months old.. (due to some relatively minor fertility issues, our kids are all 3 or more years apart.. prior to this!). A dear friend of mine was in a fight for her life against cancer..

We had some early prenatal testing done, and on Oct. 2, 2007 my ob called to tell us that something was wrong with the baby. It was too early to know WHAT exactly but the least problematic of the options was Trisomy 21 and the worst options were "incompatible with life". Two days later, on Oct. 4, 2007, my sweet friend triumphed over her cancer by entering Heaven, leaving behind her 3 young children and her husband. I couldn't make sense of it, couldn't understand WHAT God was doing.. Had a HARD time holding onto hope. The afternoon after I'd heard Brandi had died, I packed my young daughter into the van to pick her big brothers up from school. The radio was playing in the background as I was too consumed with my thoughts to hear.. As I backed out of the driveway, I felt as if God said "Listen..", and the voice on the radio was saying "There's a light at the end of this tunnel, for you.. for you..". As I turned the corner, I saw a beautiful rainbow. And I held onto hope. That was the beginning..

More than once, I can remember hearing "Tunnel" exactly when I needed it and gradually, I accepted it as a message from God that there WAS light.. I couldn't see it but it would be there. He promises. It often seemed as each doctor's appointment brought more bad news. We eventually learned that Seth would be born with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, requiring 3 open heart surgeries before the age of 3, the first one a few days after birth. I especially remember one day, driving out to work, upset and miserable. Crying out to the Lord, "YOU have to make it okay, help me get through this because I can NOT do it on my own." I turned on the radio to the opening notes of "Tunnel."

Seth was born on March 27, 2008. His first surgery was April 1. His recovery was hard but he came home, happy & healthy on May 16, 2008. I heard "Tunnel" less & less on the radio but smiled every time it came on, knowing that God was blessing me. Eventually Seth needed to go into the hospital for the 2nd planned surgery. Surgery was 9/11/08. On 9/17, Seth coded and suffered neurological damage. On 10/2 (exactly one year after we'd been informed something was wrong with our sweet unexpected fourth child), we placed Seth on comfort care and loved on him until he went from my arms to the arms of his Heavenly Father, early in the morning, on Oct. 12th. I remember that day in "snapshots". We packed up his hospital room. Kissed our baby goodbye, again. Thanked the nurses for loving us and caring for our boy and walked out of the hospital empty-handed.

Stunned, we slipped into our minivan, preparing for the drive home, and the task of telling our "big kids" that their baby brother had gone to Heaven. My husband started the car. The radio came on. "Tunnel" was playing. As we drove out of the hospital parking lot, into the sunshine, I knew, as sad & scared & hurt as I was, that God WOULD provide a "Light at the end of the tunnel".

God's grace has been SO sufficient for us.. as evidenced by the use of your song to touch my heart at times most needed. I can't hear "Tunnel" without thinking of Seth and God's faithfulness and love for our family. We are blessed to be on this journey and that day in October, when it seemed like the end, was in so many ways, just a beginning.

I'm sorry this is so long. I really wanted you to know HOW much your song impacted me. How instrumental it was on our journey.. How much I appreciate being able to hear it and remember Seth. It's impossible for me to truly convey how significant that all is but I hope I was able to give you a small glimmer.. thank you for your faithfulness to do what God calls you to! And know how much you minister to others!

I know this is long.. thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed Tunnel by Third Day.

Six Word Saturday - 2010

2010-01-01T23:23:00.000-08:00

2010 - It's gonna be my year!

Recapping 2009

2009-12-31T16:52:00.000-08:00

So I did this last year, and it was kind of fun. The first sentences of the first post I made in each month of 2009..

January: So, just for fun, I'm going to try participating in some blog memes in the New Year.

February: No posts

March: We have been in Disneyland!!

April: I had a post all written - in my head - for today.

May: People react in odd ways when you have two boys and then have a girl.

June: What I believe is so magnificent, so glorious, that it is beyond finite comprehension.

July: I want to come here and say things that are profound and meaningful.

August: My first time actually HOSTING in Other Words Tuesday.. Gotta get up a MckLinky, etc.

September: Not very motivated. Often just sad.

October: Welcome to another Not Me Monday, sponsored by MckMama.

November: Finding joy again, but tired lately.

December: Martha was too busy for Jesus, and that left her too busy to be with Jesus.

In Other Words Tuesday - Prepared for the Lord?

2009-12-28T22:00:00.000-08:00

“Just as Our Lord came into human history from outside,

so He must come into me from outside.

Have I allowed my personal human life to become a “Bethlehem” for the Son of God?”

by ~ Oswald Chambers
My Utmost for His Highest

I find this quote very.. intriguing (for lack of a better word)... And I suspect God is trying to get my attention. I, and I'm sure I'm not alone in this, rarely give thought to Bethlehem. Oh, sure, I sing the song, I know that's where Jesus was born, as prophesied, but I don't usually think on it much more than that.. and here's this quote, following on the heels of a sermon our Pastor did this Advent. This year Glenn did an Advent series titled "Once Upon A Christmas". The first week was "Once Upon A Christmas, Far away in Bethlehem" (and you can listen to that sermon at the Timberview website, Dec. 3, 2009)

I find myself wishing I'd paid more attention to that sermon! :::chuckle::: One of the points I do remember though: Bethlehem was a little town, a mere six miles out of Jerusalem, three blocks long, blink and you miss it. It was a small little place. BUT it was the birthplace of Jesus. As a town, it didn't seem very significant, but it was certainly significant to God.

I can relate with THAT! I often don't feel significant. It's hard for me to remember that I matter to God. But I do, even, ESPECIALLY when I don't "feel" it.

Also, Bethlehem was a town that MADE ROOM for the birth of Christ. Oh, granted, it wasn't the most luxurious of settings. But at the end of the day (or the beginning of it) Mary and Joseph wrapped the "babe in swaddling clothes and laid Him in a manger." Bethlehem DID make room.

Do I make room? Do I open up my heart to Jesus? When I'm too busy and full, as Bethlehem's population had swollen due to the census, do I still find a place for Christ?

I'd love to just say Yes. But I'm very convicted by the fact that I haven't done a good job of that lately. I have neglected to open up my life, to prepare a place for the Lord lately. I'm grateful that we have a forgiving, graceful God who is always willing to give us second (and second million) chances.

Head on over to Miriam Pauline's Monologues to see what she and others had to say about this quote!

Six Word Saturday - Post-Christmas

2009-12-26T22:32:00.001-08:00

Another Christmas with Seth in Heaven

Christmas was bittersweet and beautiful this year. You can read about our Christmas Highlights here.

CHRISTmas highlights 2009

2009-12-26T21:38:00.000-08:00

Well, so much for doing better blogging.. I got a bit bogged down by the holiday preparations, and I worked a few more days in December than usual. I want to share, though, some highlights of our CHRISTmas season.

Sean & Cary were both in the kids' Christmas musical put on by our church. Sean was "Wise man #2" and Cary was an angel - no typecasting there! Sean had a few lines and did great. Cary had a line said in unison with all the angels. They did GREAT. I was/am quite proud of them. Our church had a real baby Jesus and during the second service performance, he smiled at the wise men! Sean was completely tickled by that..

Sean is part of a special Sunday School class at our church for 5th and 6th graders. They did a "sand art" presentation for our Christmas eve service. Sean "drew" the star. They did an amazing job with that!

During our Christmas Eve service, I got to hold a 4 or 5 month old baby boy. It was magical. And bittersweet. I always miss Seth but am so grateful that we have the gift of our Lord from God and do not grieve without hope. So I got to hold this sweet, easygoing, smiley baby boy. Kayleigh took turns "holding" him (with help) on her lap. Sean took a turn or two. Afterwards, I gave the baby back to his mommy and Kayleigh said "OUR baby is in Heaven."

Also, during Christmas Eve service, Cary and Kayleigh were GOOD. REALLY good. They were quiet, aided by the fact that our children's pastor was handing out candy! But I was very pleased and impressed by their behaviour. At one point in the service, our pastor asked "Who needs forgiveness? Raise your hand" and everyone in the church raised their hand. Except Kayleigh. Who raised BOTH of her hands as high above her head as she could! Totally made me smile!

Christmas morning I didn't even have to open my eyes until 6:30am! I missed Kayleigh's first glance at the tree but NOT the "AHHH" gasp that came out of her when she did see it. The first things the kids got to do was open their stockings. Kayleigh was so cute, she pulled all the contents out of hers. "CANDY!" "A princess toothbrush" "A present" and she set the wrapped present aside. "Honey, you can open that." "Not right now" she said. Very cute. She saved up all the wrapped presents and had to be persuaded to open them! The kids had a great Christmas. We were very blessed this year and were able to provide and helped to provide a very nice Christmas for the kids. Cary got a skateboard that he's SLEPT with two nights in a row! Sean got a few books and he's been a reading maniac.

MY favorite gift was one my sister sent me. She took a jewelry making class and made us a lovely set of ornaments.

See the ornament on the lower right? It's for Seth. I was VERY touched that my sister included our Seth.

My mom and step-dad and grandma came over for Christmas dinner and we had a lovely evening.

But the BEST part of the day? Christmas morning, after the kids had opened their stockings, but before presents, we sang "Happy Birthday" to Jesus. It warmed my heart to hear my kids singing with such enthusiasm and sweet voices!

We had a lovely holiday. It had it's bittersweet moments of course. I continue to miss Seth. He is always in my heart and my mind. I did at one point find myself thinking "I have a son celebrating Christmas with Jesus in Heaven!" When I'm doing well, I can count it as a blessing.

Improving bloggy communication

2009-12-03T17:38:00.000-08:00

First another prayer request. This mom linked up to the Walking with you Christmas post I talked about here. Kim at Happily Henninger is 10 weeks pregnant and baby had been diagnosed with cystic hygroma. Right now, it's a waiting period and and I know how hard that is. Complicating that for Kim is the fact that her first born son was still-born at 30 weeks. Please pray for their family!

I stumbled across a way to improve communication between me and you! (Thanks to Cate at Show My Face who host Six-Word Saturdays). When you leave a comment on my blog, I receive it in an email. I do try and visit blogs as I can. Sometimes though I want to respond to the comment. I know some bloggers respond IN the comments but that feels awkward to me. But there IS a way we can make it work! Simply, you set your blogger profile so that when I get the comment in my email, I can hit return email and email to YOU! (As opposed to "No reply blogger" or whoever that other email is).. I'm not very tech savvy and I switched my settings in about two seconds. Cate linked to a GREAT tutorial and you can find that here.

Thanks so much! I'm looking forward to being able to more efficiently respond to your comments!!

Prayer Requests for my friends

2009-12-02T23:50:00.001-08:00

I would like to put a couple of prayer requests out there... I know that a couple of my "four faithful followers" (since I'm sure I've been deserted by everyone else) believe in the power of prayer.

I don't know the pain and anguish of dealing with rebellious teenagers. I DO know the pain of losing a child and I have two friends who feel like their children are slipping away from them. I would prefer not to give their names since I haven't asked permission (yet).

My friend A's daughter, C, is suffering from some severe depression and has been suicidal. They are seeking out counseling but I know that her mom is worried. Please hold them up in your prayers. C is a younger teenager, still living at home.

In the other case, my friend M has a grown adult daughter. The daughter is pursuing her dreams, several states away from her parents, with the support of her parents. She has made some choices that her parents are fearful about and not been honest with her parents.

In both cases, I know the moms would appreciate prayers for peace, guidance and discernment. In "C's" case, prayers for the healing of her heart and mind, that she would see herself for who she is in Christ... I think actually, that same prayer could be said for both daughters.

Thank you friends for joining me in these intentions.

Walking with You - through Christmas...

2009-12-02T22:55:00.000-08:00

Kelly at The Beauty of Sufficient Grace is hosting a Christmas edition of "Walking with You", encouraging us to share how we remember our lost loved ones at Christmas time. This will be our 2nd Christmas without Seth and I'm still figuring out what I want to do, how best to honor and remember our sweet boy.

Last year, our first Christmas without Seth, would have also been Seth's first Christmas with us. I buy each of my kids a Hallmark ornament for Christmas. For their first 5 years, I buy the "my (1st, 2nd, etc) ornaments" and for the years after that, I buy the ornaments designed to have the school pictures in them. So I think I will get the first 5 years for Seth, as I have for the boys and am procuring for Kayleigh..

Last year's is already hanging on the tree. It looks like this: In addition to that, the boys and I picked out a Christmas stocking last year to hang and remember Seth. It's a Winnie the Pooh Baby's 1st Christmas and will hang on our "stocking tree" (we don't have a mantel) with all our other stockings each year.

Additionally, I received last year, and already this year, a couple of "memorial" ornaments from friends. I SO appreciate others remembering Seth and our loss and those are also hanging on our tree.

The boys and I both last year and this picked out Toys for Tots. I let each boy choose a toy they would have bought for Seth if he was with us for Christmas. Last year, we picked "baby toys". This year, Sean picked a "See N Say".. Cary picked an "Etch a Sketch".. Yeah, Seth might not have been ready for that one THIS Christmas, but I'm sure he would have been by next Christmas and I appreciate the effort!

It's become a tradition in our family to take the cousins to see Santa, when my sister is here for Thanksgiving with my nephew Jack. This is last years picture (when we were still numb and I hadn't yet started reading blogs and seeing what others do to remember their cherished lost babies):

And this years:

Did you see the difference? I mean, beside the fact that the kids are all bigger (and can you believe they're all THAT much bigger in YEAR? Where does time go?) We decided to take a stuffed animal or Seth's "magic blankie" to "represent" him. The boys chose to take a "surgery bear". This bear was given to us a the hospital, we got one before each of Seth's surgeries. They use them as educational tools and the boys, Cary especially, have shown a particular attachment to the surgery bear.. At any rate, that's something I'd like to add to our traditions..

I don't have any plans to do anything special at the cemetery but the boys usually like to pick out a "gift" at the dollar store and we take those "for" Seth.

So far, those are the things we're doing to honor and remember Seth. I suspect it'll change over the years and evolve but we're still early in this journey. Head on over to Kelly's to see what others are doing to remember the loved ones no longer with them.

I just want to add a couple of things... Christmas last year was SO painfully awful. I Really LOVE the poem ("I"m spending Christmas with Jesus this Year") that Kelly shared on her blog, and I find it/found it quite comfortiing. But it didn't/doesn't erase the fact that we don't get to have Seth with us for Christmas. I am comforted that he is in Heaven but Christmas, being all about a baby boy, was not an easy time. I am hoping/praying that this year is better.. God has begun healing my heart. I am calmer about Christmas but I don't expect to necessarily sail through. If you know someone who's missing a loved one this Christmas, even if it's not the first year, REMEMBER them. Let your friend or family member know that you care, that they aren't entirely alone in their hurt and sadness.

I do have GREAT hope. I KNOW that Seth is in Heaven and we will see him again. We couldn't have that hope without Christmas! Christ had to be born in order to save me and I am grateful. I don't know that I focused on THAT part of Christmas as much before Seth as I do now. Than you, God, for the gift of Christmas!

In Other Words Tuesday - Too Busy?

2009-12-01T21:41:00.000-08:00

“Martha was too busy for Jesus,
and that left her too busy to be with Jesus.”

by ~ Jon Walker
Growing with Purpose: Connecting with God Every Day

Well, I picked a fine Tuesday to come back. This week, Debbie at Heart Choices is hosting In Other Words Tuesday. And she picked a doozy!

I am very convicted by the above quote. I'm sure you know the story found in the 10th chapter of the Gospel of Luke, verses 38-40. As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made.

Did you catch that? Martha was DISTRACTED by all the preparations that had to be made. Okay, I admit, she was making preparations for the Lord Jesus. But how is that any different from the preparations I make this time of year? Let alone all the other not-anywhere-near-as-important-things I let distract me now and all the other days of the year. The things I busy myself with? Internet, bill paying, laundry, ~~dusting.~~ The things I can claim I do FOR Jesus? Church activities, volunteer work, running my kids back & forth to Bible quizzing practice & Christmas pageant rehearsal. Well, you get the idea. How often do I hit the floor running without taking the time to start my day with Jesus? More often than I care to admit!

And what does Jesus think of that business? Well, let's look at what he said to Martha when she complained: "Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things." (Luke 10:41) Worried & upset. Hmm, Jesus doesn't seem too worried about the "preparations."

What does He say about Mary? "But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her." (Luke 10:42) Mary has chosen THAT GOOD PART, the ONE THING NEEDED. As far as Jesus is concerned, the important thing was to be WITH Him and that was what Mary chose.

I WANT to be a Mary, I want to choose the ONE GOOD THING. I choose to make Jesus a priority. What about you?

Lord, help me to seek you first. If necessary, help me to push aside the "preparations" and choose the ONE GOOD THING, YOU. Amen.

Join Debbie at Heart Choices and see what others have had to say this week!

Six-Word Saturday - Thanksgiving edition

2009-11-27T23:02:00.001-08:00

Grateful for much; and missing Seth.

Six word Saturday

2009-11-07T15:43:00.000-08:00

Finding Joy again, but tired lately.

I really feel like I"m doing much better in the last month or so. I want to get back to blogging and see how it goes.. I just realized, I've not blogged from a point of "doing well" so that will be a challenge. I just recently saw a challenge to blog every day in November - I don't know if I"ll be able to find it again, and I"m already a week off but I might try that.

I haven't been around much lately because I"ve been super tired. I don't know if it's the weather change or what. But I did want to say that I am feeling better, finding my way back to the joyful self God created me to be! Thank God for that, the healing work He does in hearts!

A year ago - last time

2009-10-16T12:06:00.000-07:00

We have finally come a full year... A year ago today, we said goodbye for the last time to Seth's physical body and had our memorial service at church (the next day). I haven't shared this yet, but I wanted to. Some of the pictures will be familiar.. The extra people for the first two minutes are all us. The last half include friends, family, people who took the time to come and show their love to us and Seth.

I"m headed out of town for the weekend, Silent Retreat. I'm excited to spend this time with God and hope to come back refreshed and renewed.

In Other Words Tuesday - October 13, 2009

2009-10-13T07:48:00.000-07:00

Before I jump into "In Other Words Tuesday", late but with both feet, I need to take care of a family matter. TODAY is my "Little" (as in 13 months younger than me and several inches taller) sister's birthday!! And it's a big one but I won't embarrass her by saying which one here.

Happy Birthday, Kari!!!! I love you. May the next years be as blessed as these first were!

And now onto our quote of the day:

“It has been well said that ‘earthly cares are a heavenly discipline.’ But they are even something better than discipline- they are God’s chariots, sent to take the soul to its high places of triumph. They do not look like chariots. They look instead like enemies, sufferings, trials, defeats, misunderstandings, disappointments, unkindness.” Hannah Whitall Smith

I chose this quote several months ago for TODAY. Yesterday was one year since we kissed our youngest son goodbye and he was ushered into Heaven. It hasn't been an easy year. I stumbled across that quote reading a book, I'm disappointed that I can't remember which book it was, but it may have been Heaven by Randy Alcorn. When I found it and reserved today, I was hoping that I would SEE more evidence of it in my life. You see, I KNOW the above to be true, I believe it, even when I don't feel it.

Several years ago, when my husband and I were just starting our parenting journey, our first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. I was crushed. Disappointment doesn't even begin to describe what I went through at the time. While my husband and I were not walking with the Lord, I had been raised in a household that believed in God and I knew that God was a God of miracles and hope. I couldn't understand why we would be given this glimpse of joy and have it snatched out of our lives. I began seeking in earnest.

Ultimately, I wound up at the office of a Christian counselor and reading many christian authors. The one year "anniversary" of that date found me at a local cemetery that has a "memorial to the unborn", reading a letter I had written, pouring my heart out, and giving my life back to God. But it took a year. And a big disappointment. At the end of that year, I realized that God was simply waiting for me to open my heart to Him. If THAT wasn't one of "God's chariots", I don't know what would be!

Not having Seth here with us has been a suffering, a trial, a defeat, a misunderstanding. I stop short of calling it an "unkindness" because I believe strongly in the benevolence of God. However, unkindness have been endured because of the situation incurred by being a bereaved parent. And still, God shows up. The comfort that I have received, from the Lord, and from people who love the Lord, has been nothing short of amazing (especially yesterday). I'm learning the "heavenly discipline" of seeking comfort from the Lord as it's pretty difficult to find it in earthly ways.

I wanted to be able to write this post and share the many LARGE victories and triumphs I have experienced since "losing" Seth. By worldly standards, my triumphs likely seem small. Sometimes by MY standards I am disappointed that the Lord hasn't brought me further along (by now, etc). (Still learning that "heavenly discipline" of patience!). But triumphs HAVE been experienced. I grieve with hope! I more readily than before Seth, turn first to the Lord for comfort. In seeking answers, I am learning to wait on the Lord.

But here's the biggest thing. A friend took me to lunch yesterday. We shared some memories of Seth. I cried a little. And then I laughed a little. I still laugh. My family still laughs. That we still find joy is a testimony to the Lord's reigning in our lives, and a triumph of the soul!

Please link up below and visit others to see what THEY have to say about this quote!

Not Me Monday - finally back?

2009-10-12T23:45:00.000-07:00

Welcome to another Not Me Monday, sponsored by MckMama. Head on over to her place by clicking on the button above and see what others have "not" been up to this week.

I have not, for all practical purposes, recently abandon my blog. (I know, a few of you actually noticed. Thanks for the checking in, you know who you are).

This did not happen because earlier this summer I did not hit a wall, emotionally wise. I have not, during this time, slowly isolated myself from some friends and the people who love me. I am not, currently, working to re-build some connections and fix that little problem.

I have not spent the last month reliving every moment of this time frame a year ago, when we said goodbye to Seth.

I have not, during this last month, continued to fall behind on what-feels like EVERYTHING. I do not continue to be behind on the laundry, etc. I have not given up hope of ever catching up!

I'm hosting IOW Tuesday tomorrow and I have not been procrastinating writing my post (although I HAVE got it all written in my head). I'll get that up in the morning.

Something new - Six word Saturday

2009-09-05T13:41:00.000-07:00

Not very motivated.
Often just sad.

A Quick Commercial Break

2009-08-25T00:08:00.001-07:00

(Because, you know, I've been blogging SO much lately, we need a commercial break).

A day's worth of popcorn & pop refills: $3.96
Ice cream (for him), caramel apple (for me): $6.98
An "I survived Tremors" sweathirt, adult small: $15.47
Lunch for two: $22.56

A WHOLE day devoted to putting a smile on the face of my oldest son?

PRICELESS!

Words, Part 2

2009-08-16T20:21:00.000-07:00

I hadn't intended to do a Part 2 to Wounding Words, Healing Words (as indicated by the fact that it's not labeled Part 1!). But I had a "revelation" of sorts earlier today and I wanted to share it.

Kayleigh and I play this little "game" where she says "I love you" and I say "I love you too" and she says "I love you more." Sometimes I follow THAT up with "Uh UH." and sometimes I just let it go.

But here's the crux of that conversational game. Of course she doesn't love me more. I've been a daughter and a mom and as much as I love my parents, I SO love my children "more." Kayleigh, at 3 years old, does NOT understand that. Of course she doesn't. She has no context for it. Just like someone who has NOT lost a child has NO context for some of the things they say. If I can not hold Kayleigh responsible for her assumption that she loves me "more", how can I hold these well-intentioned people who love me accountable for their ignorance?

When Seth died, Cary said he wanted to pick out flowers for the grave. On the day of the visitation at the funeral home, Cary, Sean & I showed up first at a local florist with a set amount of money to spend, looking for flowers for Seth's casket. I was so awkward and I remember telling the florist "I don't know, I've never done this before." She said "Thank God for THAT." Seriously, if my friends, loved ones, don't know what to say because they have never done this before, thank God for THAT!

Walking With You - Wounding Words, Healing Words

2009-08-14T00:23:00.000-07:00

Kelly at The Beauty of Sufficient Grace is hosting Walking With You and this week, she suggested talking about the things other people said. (Last week was sibling grief and I'm totally annoyed with myself that I missed it).

People say hurtful things. Not intentionally (usually) but because they just don't know what to say. The hardest one for me (and I"m still working on letting go and forgiving) was when someone compared our losing Seth at 6 1/2 months of age to be less painful than someone losing an older child (and in this case, the other child was 18 months old).. (Clarification, this was NOT the other bereaved parents but a third party). I was crushed. From the day we found out we were HAVING him, Seth was no less a member of our family than any of his older siblings. THAT was the motivating factor in all the decisions we made for Seth's care. (If we had taken our then 2 year old to the doctor and they said some thing's wrong with her heart, she needs 3 open heart surgeries; we would have unquestioningly got her the best care possible. We were going to do the same for Seth from the beginning!) Unfortunately, this wasn't the only example of that. People often implied that it must have been "easier" to lose Seth than one of our "big kids". I find that offensive.

I KNOW that people just don't know what to say. I know they struggle for things that are comforting and not offensive. I get that. I'm pretty sure I've done that. I was blessed to have people come alongside Leland and I who had walked this path. A good friend who knew that just sitting with me on Leland's first night back at work was enough. And I had good friends who were aware of their shortcomings and inadequacy to offer comfort. A couple of people quite simply said "I don't know what to say so I'm not saying anything, but know that I love you." I was very grateful for that. I think it takes a lot of courage to admit that you don't know how to help someone you care about.

I struggle as much though, not with what OTHER people say, but what I say. I don't know how to share how I feel. That some days I still hurt so much I can hardly breathe. That yes, we've HAD a fun summer.. and I still miss Seth every single moment; even if I don't look like I do because of all the fun I'm trying to make sure my "big kids" have. I don't have an answer for that. In some cases, I do believe that it helps the best for me to be honest. And in other times, I just want to will myself to feel better. I occasionally still think that I can "fake it until I make it."

Mostly though, I am grateful for the people who quite simply let me know they are keeping our family in their prayers. I know that the fact that we find any joy at all is because we have hope in the Lord and seeing Seth again. I am blessed to have people in our lives willing to help carry us through the dark times!

Oh, OH....

2009-08-13T13:51:00.000-07:00

I've had a weird couple of weeks.. I've been cranky, crabby and tired. I've been weepy (which I'm partially attributing to being tired). Yesterday was August 12th, which means it's been 10 months since we kissed our sweet baby Seth goodbye. I didn't even notice the date until 9:30 last night! I'm not claiming that as good or bad, it just is.

But today, we got exciting news!

(this is my kids looking happily surprised.. sort of)

I won the Memory Blanket from Mapleberry Designs off MckMama's last Not Me! Monday giveaway! I am stunned. I'm going to have to re-think that "I never win anything" default attitude, since it's so obviously NOT true and be VERY grateful for all the blessings God brings into my life!!

Not Me Monday - Out of the Mouths of Moms

2009-08-10T13:57:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I haven't done Not Me! Monday for awhile but I really want a chance to win the quilt. I do NOT want a quilt made out of Seth's baby clothes...

We spent yesterday at the lake. I did NOT walk down to the little resort store with my husband leaving my kids alone with our hosts. While we were gone, Kayleigh did NOT get stung by a bee on her left foot. She also did NOT get a HUGE splinter in the big toe of her right foot.

I am not the type of mom to just leave a splinter in my daughter's toe because I don't want to pin her down and dig it out with tweezers and a needle. I did not recently leave a splinter in her hand for that very reason (If I had, I should let you know that said hand looks perfect with no splinters! And no infection, yay!)

And because I think it's almost as much fun as "Out of the Mouths of Babes" stories, I would like to leave you with a short list of things I have NOT said to my children so far this summer:

No, you can not have a pop before 7am.

No, you can not have candy before 7am.

Please don't lick your lifejacket.

Honey, your stomach makes a great canvas but if you can't use the markers on PAPER only, you won't be allowed to have markers.. or a pen.. or crayons.

And having NOT said all the above things this summer, I have most definitely NOT said:

"Please do not chew on the car." And the neighbor did NOT overhear me.

In Other Words Tuesday - Relying on God

2009-08-03T23:49:00.000-07:00

My first time actually HOSTING in Other Words Tuesday.. Gotta get up a MckLinky, etc. I hope I don't mess this up.. Can I confess; I kind of feel like the hostess who's been running around stuffing papers, and laundry into boxes and closets, throwing dirty dishes into the oven. I started to hyperventilate a little and remember that THIS is "virtual reality". You're not REALLY coming into my home (Thank goodness!). So, pull up a chair, make yourself comfortable.... and don't look in the oven!

Relying on God has to begin

all over again every day

as if nothing had yet been done.

C.S. Lewis

I don't remember when I found this quote exactly. Sometime between finding out something was wrong with Seth (in utero, when he was still the unexpected baby, and not yet Seth!) and actually giving birth to Seth. It has been on my email signature since then. Initially, it was impactful and I read it often. And then it reached that point where I barely saw it there.. Oh, I acknowledged it if I happened to stumble across it but mostly it blended into the scenery (Yes, I'm talking about the ACTUAL quote, those 18 words). Recently, I've gone back to reading it often and pondering it and finding myself what it means.. Wondering if it was actually true.

My initial response? But we DON'T rely on God as if we never had. We remember. I remember. And that helps me. Wondering why I haven't heard from God lately? I remember having heard from God in the past. Wondering if God can provide, pull me out of the muddle I'm currently in? I remember a time he's done EXACTLY that. My history with God AIDS me in my relationship with God.

Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face
always. Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles, and
the judgments he pronounced 1 Chronicles 16: 11-12

So remembering helps me to rely on God, as it did the Israelites in the days of old.

But I think of something else. Very little in this world that is good and worthwhile comes easily. Having children requires 9 months of pregnancy and labor (and that's AFTER the conception which is easier for some than others in and of itself). Being successful in a chosen profession requires effort and continuing education. Effective parenting doesn't come without a fair amount of struggle and difficulty.

I am embarrassed to admit how many, MANY years it took me to realize that my marriage wasn't going to be good if we didn't WORK at it. There does NOT come a day (or at least hasn't for us and we're over 16 years anyway) when I can admire how well we're doing. I have yet to be able to say "We've arrived!" and sit back and rest on my laurels. (Oh, believe me, I've tried a time or two. Probably don't have to elaborate how disastrous that's been!). Relying on God is like THAT.

I'm not going to "arrive" (not in THIS lifetime anyway!). To continue relying on God, I do NOT get to sit back on my laurels and admire how far we've come. As enticing as that may be (and I may succumb to that trap a time or two), it does NOT build a relationship with the Lord. EVERY day I must consciously CHOOSE and ACT towards relying on God. Sometimes EVERY MOMENT of every day. I MUST choose to rely on God, lest I begin relying on other things (which is a complete blog post in and of itself!).

Then they will call to me but I will not answer; they will look for me but will not find me. Since they hated knowledge and did not
choose to fear the LORD Proverbs 1: 28-29

Relying on God is aided by remembering what God has done for me. And it is a DAILY choice that I make, continuing to trust and rely on God, stepping out in faith EVERY day.. as if it had never been done before.

Rambling through an "acceptance" speech.

2009-07-18T22:13:00.001-07:00

I want to come here and say things that are profound and meaningful. I want my posts to resonate with meaning and insight. It's hard for me to post when I don't think I can live up to those expectations (which I'm totally aware I put on myself).

My last couple of posts fell into a provided category.. I just don't feel that creative lately, left to my own devices. Oh, speaking of my last couple of posts -

I was so honored to be Lynnette's latest "Getting to Know You" featured blogger. Lynnette was one of the first bloggers I found and followed after losing Seth. I appreciate her friendship a lot. Mind you, she featured me with GRANOLA! I hope that wasn't supposed to be a statement about me. Ha ha. I appreciated all the lovely visits from Lynnette's readers.

And with that "acceptance speech", one of my kidlets has just asked for the "bathroom bucket". I should go make sure he/she is okay.

Updated to add: Above mentioned child (nameless to protect the ~~innocent~~ ill) writhed and moaned on the bathroom floor for awhile, ulitmately throwing up. This morning un-named child is feeling MUCH better. Yay!

Walking With You - The Power in a Name

2009-07-15T22:52:00.000-07:00

Today, in Walking With You, Kelly has suggested we share how and why we picked the names of our babies. I feel like in order to share the real story, I need to give some background.

Sean was going to be Sean for as long as I can remember. The middle name was tweaked over time but wound up being Monte, Leland's middle name and the name of Leland's father. Sean means "God's gracious gift" and having had a miscarriage and some minor fertility issues, I DID appreciate the gift that Sean was.

Cary was named Cary Donald in honor of my maternal uncle and grandfather who both passed away between our having Sean & Cary, as sort of mentioned here. Cary means "from the marsh" which is a little random but with Cary it was more important to honor our extended family than worry about what his name meant.

Kayleigh was our first (only) "gender-surprise" baby. If she had been a boy, she would have been Kyle Steven. (Kyle means handsome, near the chapel). Kayleigh is the girl name I'd had picked out forever and her middle name is Ruth, my mother's middle name and after my maternal grandmother. Kayleigh means pure.

Originally we were not going to find out Seth's gender. And for some reason, I had it in my head he was a girl. My first choice for name was Ruby Grace. But with Seth, there were so many unknowns, we did decide to find out gender. A BOY? I don't have a boy name! I did not want to use Kyle because at this point we have Sean, beginning with a sh sound, and Cary - /k/ and Kayleigh - /k/. I did NOT want another /k/ name. I know that sounds a little silly but it was a factor. I said it didn't HAVE to be an "S" name but definitely NOT a /k/.

Sean made it his mission to find us an S name. He first suggested Sam, not a favorite and then Seth. Hmmmmmm, I like Seth. Seth means "Appointed one" and it's biblical. So we chose Seth for his first name and Douglas for a middle, as Leland and I both have Uncle Dougs in our families.

I feel like, especially since this post is about SETH's name, that I want to emphasize how important the biblical meaning of Seth's name was to us. We clung to the fact that being "appointed by God" must mean SOMETHING. Regardless of what Seth's life looked like to us, he was appointed for a purpose. We were blessed in being able to get Seth dedicated at our church between his surgeries. Our pastor shared a verse at Seth's dedication, from 1 Timothy 1:12, "I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me faithful, appointing me to his service." (Previously shared here)

We were and are so grateful for the opportunity to have Seth enter our lives! I still am trying to figure out a way to help his name "live on". To that end,I don't have much to offer in the way of resources today. Please visit Kelly's post at The Beauty of Sufficient Grace to share the joy of other baby names.

I leave you with a picture of the print that my brother and his wife gave us after Seth's service.

Walkin' down Memory lane.. on foot, of course.

2009-07-14T23:35:00.000-07:00

I realized something today. I am having a harder time remembering the happy moments with Seth. Not an IMPOSSIBLE time, just harder. So I've decided I'm going to try and get back to Wednesday's Walk Down Memory Lane with Lynnette and see if I can capture some of those, and other memories. I also want to remember some of the good memories our "big kids" have of Seth..

Today I had a moment memory with Kayleigh. We were cuddling in the rocking chair and she said something about Seth's feet. "Seth's feet were little." Yes, Kayleigh, Seth had little feet. "Not like MY feet." Not like your feet? Are your feet big? "Yes." "Mama, when Seth's feet get bigger, he wear MY shoes."

Tee hee, "He wear MY shoes." As if Seth would want to wear her little girl shoes! We DID talk about the fact that Seth was in Heaven and so he won't be wearing Kayleigh's shoes anytime soon. It was a sweet moment. I really treasure the times that my "big kids" and especially Kayleigh share Seth memories!

Kayleigh fell asleep in a weird position and I couldn't resist getting some pictures.

In Other Words Tuesday - July 14, 2009

2009-07-14T14:26:00.000-07:00

“If all you ever attempt is that which

you know you can do,

or have the resources for
how will you ever discover
what He can do? ”

My Jesus is . . . Everything!

by Anne Graham Lotz

I'm having a bit of trouble with today's quote. Honestly, I am having a difficult time remembering voluntarily attempting something in which I had to trust God for the outcome. Well, there is this past Mother's Day when I shared a bit of my story during our church service (details here). But at the time, that didn't FEEL voluntary. Oh, it was and my pastor gave me LOTS of opportunities to say "No" (Thanks, Glenn). But because I knew that it was something God was calling me to do, I felt compelled to do it, making it not about "sharing MY story" so much as speaking to God's glory.

I guess that's the crux of it though. Even in the things I don't experience voluntarily, I have learned how MUCH God can do. I'm doing a Tuesday morning Bible study at our church currently. Today we watched a video in which Priscilla Shirer talked about the fact that we have a "supernatural God". One of the things that crossed my mind is that for a mom to survive the loss of a child and be able to still experience joy is supernatural. While I may not have gone out on a limb on my own, I have certainly experienced some of what God can do!

Some of those experiences have come even in the small steps of faith I make. In taking a deep breath and reaching out to others, even through this blog, I am privileged to see God work in amazing ways, showing His Glory and Love. I am waiting, sometimes patiently and sometimes not so much, for God to reveal what He would have me do as a result of Seth's time with us. I have been longing for some kind of ministry to serve others or share compassion upon others going through similar losses. I don't know what that looks like. I would not be surprised if, when the opportunities begin to present themselves, I feel woefully inadequate. I hope that I take a deep breath and am reminded by the Spirit within me to rely on the supernatural powers of God!

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

2 Corinthians 12:9

See what others have had to say about this quote by visiting Nina at Mama's Little Treasures.

Blog hop - 3 Random things

2009-07-13T22:59:00.000-07:00

So I was kind of stressing about this.. how am I going to come up with THREE Random things you don't know about me? (One of the unforseen flaws of blogging transparently!) But then it hit me, depending on who "you"are, there could be LOTS you don't know about me!

The church I currently attend, I attended regularly for a year and a half before I truly felt comfortable there. Prior to ever attending a Sunday service, I attended a Ladies Bible study for a full year!
Before we had Sean, I wanted one, maybe two kids. (Leland claimed he wanted ELEVEN). After Sean was born, I would have been thrilled if God blessed us with five. I still would be (but I doubt that's going to happen at this point.)
My "career" desires have changed a LOT in my lifetime. Not necessarily in order: nurse, actor, lawyer, mom, teacher. The only one of those things I've done (as an "out of school" adult) is be a mom. Now I think about maybe going back to school and becoming some kind of counselor/social worker.

Oh, there. That wasn't so bad. I think I actually listed way more than three. Play along! It's fun.

Enter your link here

Not Me Monday - July 13, 2009

2009-07-12T23:36:00.000-07:00

Are you feeling guilty for leaving the windows open to catch a breeze when you know the air is on? Feel like a bag lady for wearing the same shirt for days on end? Get tricked by a fake news story and feel foolish? We'll don't! Not Me! Monday was born out of my desire to admit some of my imperfections and reveal a few moments I'd rather forget. You may find it therapeutic to join in and do the same thing! (As hosted by MckMama at "My Charming Kids")

I have not gotten so far behind on the laundry that a few days a week or two ago, I went bra-less. If that HAD happened, I would certainly have NOT left the house in that condition. I would most definitely NOT have gone to Target in search of a last minute birthday party gift, NOT wearing a bra.

I have not (recently) let all 3 of my kids eat ice cream sandwiches for breakfast. In spite of what you may think after reading this post, ice cream sandwiches are NOT a breakfast staple at our house!

I did NOT, just tonight, take Kayleigh half-way across town to visit a friend, knowing that Kayleigh is fighting a nasty cold. I'm certainly NOT the type of mom to compromise her child's rest & well-being just because a friend has traveled two days out of her way to see us.

I did NOT rush through this Not Me! Monday post just so I could get my link up and join the other's at MckMama's blog!

Nine months, Sixteen Cities

2009-07-12T22:07:00.000-07:00

No, this is not a travelogue.

Today it's been nine months since we kissed our sweet boy goodbye and he left us for his permanent home in Heaven. Honestly, I was NOT going to do a "9 months" post. Contrary to what you may think from reading this post, this post, this post and maybe even from taking a gander at these pictures, I am not obsessed with doing a "monthly countdown." But a couple of things happened today that I wanted to share.

First, let me say; I think we're doing quite well. Nine months ago, if you could have showed me what this journey would look and feel like today, I probably wouldn't have believed you. Or I would have naively thought we should be FARTHER along. Don't get me wrong. We still feel a hole in our family. I still miss Seth every single minute but it doesn't HURT as much as it did earlier. (It still hurts but it's not an all capital HURT anymore!) What I marvel at every day is how confident I am in God's love for me, for our whole family. It amazes me that we could walk through such a dark storm and feel so much closer to God. I know in my head that's how it works in God's economy but it still surprises me.

This morning at church, worship was led by Sixteen Cities. They've led worship at our church before and I enjoyed them then almost as much as today. But at one point today, I could almost see how much God was enjoying the worship of our church and it brought me to tears. In additon to that, we were singing a song that has been a big part of this journey.

The chorus: Saviour, He can move the mountains
Our God is mighty to save, He is mighty to save.
Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave, Jesus conquered the grave.

This is difficult for me to share but early on, when we sang that song, I couldn't. And I would cry. Because it didn't feel like God saved Seth. Or that the grave had been conquered. But as I have been reassured that God loves me and wants my best, I have been able to see the Truth more clearly. Seth was saved from SO much. He no longer has to endure pain or heartache. He's free in Heaven, and he's there because Jesus conquered the grave. It did take me awhile to get to that point. Time. And the Grace of God.

Earlier this morning (like 4:30 am earlier), Sean crawled into bed because he'd had a nightmare. When we were awake later (like 6:00am) and hanging out in the livng room, I asked him if he remembered his nightmare and wanted to talk about it. He had dreamt that Kayleigh and then I, and his dad, and Cary all "floated into Heaven" and left him here alone. It was heartbreaking to say, "Sean, I can't tell you that will never happen. But I CAN tell you it's not very likely." What I wish I had thought to say (and this is my chance because Sean reads my blog!) was this:

Buddy, even if that DID happen and we all went to Heaven leaving you here on earth, feeling alone. You would NOT be alone. God would be with you. God WILL be with you. He will walk every step with you. All you have to do is ask Him too, press in and acknowledge His Grace.

If that's where we've come to, nine months into our journey since losing Seth, I think we're doing okay. Thank you, Lord Jesus!

TSMSS - Seth's song

2009-07-10T22:11:00.001-07:00

I have been participating in Then Sings My Soul Saturday over at Amy's Signs, Miracles & Wonders blog for a couple of months now. A few weeks ago I decided to share about my kids' songs. Each child in our family receives a "special" song from mommy, just for them! You can read about Sean's song, Cary's song, Kayleigh's song and the lullaby they all share. And that brings us to Seth's song.

Honestly, I've been almost dreading getting to sharing Seth's song, for a few reasons. I fear it will be misunderstood. But truthfully, that doesn't bother me as much as this next thing. And this is going to sound silly but I almost fear reaching the end of being able to share things about Seth. I feel like I only have so many tales to tell and stories to share before I will have shared it all. In my head, I know that's not exactly true. I will ALWAYS be Seth's mom and as long as that is true, I'm sure there will be things to share. But since I'm new enough on this journey that I'm still re-capping events that occurred, I don't know what being able to share Seth in the future is going to look like. So, currently, everything I share is one more thing I give away, and I feel like I'm eventually going to run out. Seth was a huge part of our lives though, and still is. I love him so much and I want the world, or at least my small corner of it to know him, so share I must! And with all that ~~spewed out~~ said, here it is:

The video is not great, the audio is okay, the song actually starts about 2 minutes in, and the bit at the end doesn't apply! :)

When I was in high school, we did the musical Snoopy!. (I did props. Yes, I was a theater geek in high school.) All the days we spent in the PICU sitting by Seth's bedside, I would rub his little head and whisper quietly "Poor, sweet baby." That got me thinking about this song. I actually came home, looked up the song online, printed out the lyrics and memorized them! (This was all during Seth's first hospital stay). I would then sing it to him, while sitting by his bed, eventually when rocking him. To this day, I can't sing it without crying..

Poor Sweet Baby from Snoopy! The Musical

Lyrics by Hal Hackady

Poor, sweet baby

Poor, poor, sweet, sweet baby

Show me where it hurts, I'll tell you how to make it well

I've won lots of loving cups for playing show and tell

My poor, sweet baby

Poor, poor, sweet, sweet baby

When you need a shoulder come and try mine on for size

I'm real good at holding hands and Really great at drying eyes

Just try me Cry me all your tears

Why deny me The pleasure of dryin'em Stoppin' you cryin'em

Don't despair for Smiles are what I'm there for

You won't have to look for me, I'll always be right near

Near to kiss and cuddle you and Whisper in your little ear

Don't fear

There, there, Baby Poor, sweet baby

Poor, sweet baby Mama's near.

Walking with You - Our Earthly Goodbyes

2009-07-09T20:31:00.000-07:00

Warning: this post includes our final picture of Seth, taken at the funeral home during visitation.

I'm trying to participate in "Walking with You" at The Beauty of Sufficient Grace. I missed the last two as they were about experiencing a difficult pregnancy and meeting our babies. While my pregnancy with Seth was high-risk and stressful for me in the amount of appointments and the uncertainty of his medical issues, once we knew he had HLHS, I felt assured that he would live. When he was born, our meeting was brief due to his being rushed off to NICU, but we had lots of time with him before he went to Heaven, months, and I thought we'd have longer. I did join in on the first one and you can read about our First Steps on our journey with Seth here.

So today Kelly suggested we share about saying goodbye and the memorial service. (How long do you have?). We said goodbye in stages and I've shared about some of it here on my blog as we journeyed through it. I've just spent way too much time reading through those posts trying to find one to link back to. Let's just leave it at read anything in October 2008, okay?

So, we asked for a DNR and put Seth on comfort care on October 2, 2008. I spent much time that afternoon tearfully calling family and friends telling them Seth was dying. My mom, sister, and dad who all live out of town, rushed to our sides. We didn't know how long we would have and I asked my mom & sister to make some preliminary phone calls, telling them I would like to have Seth buried in "BabyLand" at the cemetery closest to our home.

Leland and I basically moved into the hospital during that time. I was so grateful and Seth's last night with us, he spent in my arms. That was extremely special for me because, while I had slept at night with ALL my babies in my arms at some point or another, I didn't often get to with Seth. He was on a g-tube and a continuous feed at night and that made it difficult to cuddle him at home as the tube would pop out and leak, etc. So I got to hold and cuddle Seth the entire night, from midnight (when the nurses and Leland called and had me rush back to his room) until 5:30am, when Seth went from my arms to the arms of Jesus. That was Sunday morning, October 12, 2008. After phone calls to family and close friends, Leland and I packed up our ~~hotel~~ hospital room and went home without our baby.

We told our big boys that their brother was now in Heaven. Our pastor and his lovely wife came to our house that afternoon. I was and am so grateful for the gentleness and kindness of our pastor as he guided us through planning a memorial service. We offered some suggestions for scripture we would like to have used, Leland and I picked the worship songs we wanted to sing. My mom and dad ordered the casket from Trappist caskets. It was hand carved and prayed over by monks.

As I look back on it, I wish we had thought to do a balloon release. Other than that, I have no regrets. I remember actually being shocked at the number of people who were there and SO thankful. Several of the hospital staff attended, a few of Seth's doctors were there. Mostly though, I remember being numb. There was an element of "I can't believe we're doing this". At times, it just felt like going through the motions.

I remember the day of the visitation & burial and the memorial service almost in "snapshot" moments. The boys and I picked out items for them to give Seth. Cary picked a small stuffed animal. Sean wrote Seth a letter. Together the boys and I went to the florist and bought flowers for the burial, because Cary had specifically asked if he could pick out the flowers. (Cary had also asked if Seth could be buried in our backyard!) At the cemetery, our pastor did a short graveside service. I remember that Leland walked off for a bit, overcome with emotion. My friend, Cathey moved up to sit with me.

At the memorial service, I remember Cary crying through the slide show. I don't remember much of the actual service, which makes me sad. I do remember walking out to the parking lot at the end of the service. We were almost last as I remember not wanting to leave the church. As I think about it now, I didn't want it to be over. It felt like our last chance to publicly remember Seth and I didn't want it to end.

I don't have much to recommend in the way of resources. Kelly offered quite a few suggestions at the bottom of her post. We did receive quite a few books and I can recommend some of them. My FAVORITE book was Things Unseen by Mark Buchanan (and given to us by our pastor). Also read From Grief To Glory by James Bruce. I also signed up for the daily emails from GriefShare, and I still receive those and find them helpful.

I only have one real prayer request. Well, beside the "usual" which is for fully restored joy. I long to find a ministry to honor Seth. I don't know what it looks like but I almost envy Kelly for Sufficient Grace Ministries. I yearn to do something like Micah House. But mostly I want to do what God wants us to do to honor our boy and our journey. Prayerfully, we'll find it.

In Other Words Tuesday

2009-07-07T15:12:00.000-07:00

This is such a terrific quote. I found myself thinking a lot over the last few days about these words and wondering what IS passionate wholehearted love for God? I don't really have the words to answer that question. I feel like I KNOW that wholehearted type of love when I see it, I am blessed to know many people who have that type of love for God. So I got to thinking about the flip side of this; what does it look like to NOT have "passionate whole hearted love" for God?

I DO know what that looks like. I started to type "Unfortunately" at the beginning of the sentence and quit because truthfully, it's all been part of my growth. I've always KNOWN about God but it's only been the last 12 or so years that I sought out and found my relationship with my Lord. And that relationship has evolved significantly over that time. There was a pretty significant amount of time when I did "read the Bible, attend church, and avoid 'big sins" and I most absolutely was NOT passionately whole heartedly in love with God. A lot of that time, I was plumb miserable. And I knew it. I KNEW that there had to be more to my relationship with the Lord than what I was experiencing. I didn't know how to get it. And believe me, I TRIED. And there's the crux of the matter, I tried.

"We love because He first loved us." 1 John 4:19 Did you catch that? HE gives us love. Our love comes from Him. I don't MAKE it happen, it doesn't matter how hard I TRY. Love comes from God. When I finally completely surrendered my life to Christ, when I admitted that I couldn't do it, God infused me with love.

I know I'm not doing my experience justice with words. What it basically boils down to is, I can't MAKE myself love God. (And you can't either!). God provides that whole-hearted passionate love. In my case, reading the Bible, attending church, and avoiding the "big sins" laid the groundwork but they were certainly NOT passionate whole-hearted love for Christ. In opening my heart fully to the Lord, not only did I begin to love God whole-heartedly but I truly began to realize and feel God's love for me.

One last part of the quote I want to address. The phrase "big sins". In the eyes of God, sin is sin is sin. 21"You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.' 22But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment (Matthew 5:21, 22). Anger and murder are the same in God's eyes. Sin is sin is sin.

Debbie at Heart Choices is hosting In Other Words Tuesday today. Check out what she and others had to share about these great quotes.

TSMSS - Songs for my kids

2009-07-04T07:38:00.000-07:00

Happy Fourth of July! I see that some of the TSMSS participants are doing Fourth of July themed. I could have done that.. but the song that I had already decided to do does speak about the true freedom we have, in God, so I'm proceeding as planned! (And I don't have time to figure out a second option this am anyway).

So, I've been sharing the songs that I sing for my kids. Each kid has gotten their own song that I've sung to them, mostly when they were babies but we still visit them on occasion. So far I've shared the songs of my 3 "big kids". Sean's is here, Cary's here and Kayleigh's here.

There is one song all four of my kids shared though. When Sean was born, I didn't know many lullabies. But I DID know Amazing Grace so that was what I sang to him. I remember being at a hotel in Southern California with a friend and her 16 month old daughter when Sean was 16 months. Sean woke in the middle of the night, distraught, screaming. I spent a LONG time singing this song to him, carrying him and pacing around our small hotel room. But it was nice to have something I could DO for him, and eventually, with the help of Amazing Grace, Sean did calm down and we were all able to get (some) sleep!

Head over to Amy's at Signs, Miracles and Wonders to see what other songs are making other's souls sing on this Fourth of July!

(Come back next Saturday for Seth's song!)

IOW Tuesday - June 23, 2009

2009-06-23T06:03:00.000-07:00

“There was a time when [you fill in] defined my life and left me physically void, cocooned in a prison of fear. It stole my every hope and dream. But God’s love and His Word set my heart free. I learned that within the confines of God’s story, nothing had been stolen from me, rather everything was given to me. My life, which felt so out of control, was in reality in complete control – God’s control.”
~ Wendy Blight Hidden Joy in a Dark Corner: The Transforming Power of God’s Story

“There was a time when depression and guilt over bad choices defined my life and left me physically void, cocooned in a prison of fear. It stole my every hope and dream."

I've known about God my whole life but coming into relationship and walking with the Lord were steps I made in my more adult life. Prior to that I was a reckless college kid making the bad choices reckless college kids sometimes make, finding myself in situations that were not healthy or appropriate. And I regretted a lot of those choices for a long time, thinking that surely they had somehow marked me for life. I was often bringing the same situation to God and asking for forgiveness. The first time I ever heard God speak to me was related to this very situation! I was, once again, asking God "How often do I need to seek forgiveness before I feel this burden lifted?" and God spoke into my heart, VERY clearly "How often do you want to keep bringing this up?". I WAS forgiven. The FIRST time I went to God with a repentant heart, He forgave me. “Therefore, my brothers, I want you to know that through Jesus the forgiveness of sins is proclaimed to you.” Acts 13:38

Depression was another story. I’ve struggled with depression off and on my entire adult life. The summer that Kayleigh was born, I remember being so discouraged I had our two boys, and this beautiful baby girl, and I was overwhelmed. One day, I just laid on my face before the Lord and said “I can NOT do this on my own. Help me!” And God picked me up, set me back on my feet and said “I’ve been waiting for you to admit you needed help.” “I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13

Don’t get me wrong. Things have not been perfect since then. I still occasionally struggle with feeling depressed. I still have to remind myself that God forgives my repentant heart. But one of the things I found VERY encouraging as I pondered this quote; my life is not defined by the loss of Seth. Oh, I miss him greatly. However, I look forward to seeing him in Heaven and as long as I have that hope, he is NOT lost to us. That’s my point. I have hope in something greater. My life is not defined by me, my shortcomings, my failures, my weak areas. My life is defined by the One who created me. For one thing, the examples I mentioned above (and other incidences in my life I have yet to mention) ultimately served to bring me closer to God. It can be said that I am deeper in relationship with the Lord BECAUSE of the very same negative things I used to believe defined me.

“But God’s love and His Word set my heart free. I learned that within the confines of God’s story, nothing had been stolen from me, rather everything was given to me. My life, which felt so out of control, was in reality in complete control – God’s control.”

I am so grateful.

Loni did an AMAZING write up and review of this book. Head on over to Writing Canvas to see what she and others had to say about this quote.

TSMSS - Kayleigh's song

2009-06-20T06:14:00.000-07:00

So I'm taking a "light hearted" approach to Then Sings My Soul Saturdays. I've been sharing each kid's "song". Yes, my children get their own songs and I know from some of the comments I am NOT the only person who does that! I do not make up their songs. Well, in moments of desperation I might make up a song about "please go to sleep right now before mommy has a breakdown" but for the most part I relied on other people's songs and just changed up the words a bit for us. You can read about Sean's song (a popular choice among mothers apparently!) here and Cary's song here.

And now, Kayleigh's song:

Of course, in the interest in making it KAYLEIGH's song, we had to change up the lyrics a bit. I used to sing:

In the household, the Bonnett household, Kayleigh sleep tonight,
In the household, our quiet household, Kayleigh sleep tonight,
Weeeeeee eeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeee, weeee do bum do way..
(etc).

I couldn't embed the version of the song I really wanted to use. If you have time, check out this youtube video.

Head on over to Amy's to see what songs others are sharing this week. And come back next week for a "lullaby" I sang to all my kids.

WwMW - Walking with You - First Steps

2009-06-17T21:37:00.000-07:00

Another Walk With Me Wednesday that I'm getting up late. Some day I will get ahead of this blogging meme thing. Some day. In the meantime, since this is a memory, I'm going to combine Lynnette's Walk With Me, with Sufficient Grace's Walking With You. Kelly at Sufficient Grace Ministries is starting a place where moms who have lost babies can share the steps of their journeys.

For the first "Walking with You", Kelly suggested that we share the beginning of our journey. The moment, day, when we knew we would be walking this horrendous path. Our moments came in stages, for lack of a better word. Because Seth was born with a congenital heart defect and lived with us for six months, we walked a couple of different journeys.

But it really began on October 2, 2007. It was a Tuesday. We were just sitting down to eat and the phone rang. Leland answered and handed me the phone, it was my ob. The previous week we had done a "nuchal fold" ultrasound; he was calling with the results. I knew immediately that this was not good news and went downstairs with the phone. At that point, the information was limited to "Something is wrong with the baby and we can't say for sure what it is," none of the options were good. The best diagnosis at the time would have been Down Syndrome. Other possibilities were considered "incompatible with life", trisomy 18;13, for example. That was the first steps on the difficult path we would walk with Seth. We had no idea what we were in for but we knew something was coming..

We were pretty clear, from the beginning, that termination would NOT be an option for us, regardless of diagnosis. God had given us this baby and we would accept and love him regardless of his health. Our 18 week ultrasound was done by high-risk perinatologists. We were referred to a genetic counselor. We had some blood work done which had pretty much ruled out the scary trisomies and were led to believe we were most likely looking at Down syndrome. We could deal with that. At the 18 week ultrasound, we were informed that they couldn't get a good view of the baby's heart and we were referred to a pediatric cardiologist. That appointment was set up for about 22-24 weeks. We were not in a rush because we were not going to terminate and the feeliing was that we should wait until the baby's heart was big enough that the echo would be a bit more definitive.

And we prayed. And asked people to pray. And pressed in for a miracle. And believed. I was CONVINCED that we would walk out of that office having been told our baby had a perfect heart. The echo was long and in the middle I had to walk around because baby shifted positions. Finally the cardiologist came in, reviewed the films, and said she would talk to us in her office. She was very kind but as long as I live I will never forget hearing her say "This is probably one of the most serious things we could be looking at." (And I looked heavenward, "What? This is NOT the good news I was expecting to hear"). "Your baby has a defect known as Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome." I had done some research when we didn't know what we were dealing with, and I had come across HLHS, and tears IMMEDIATELY sprang to my eyes. And THAT began our journey as "heart parents." (Incidentally, the cardiologists were VERY reassuring and we were quite optimistic most of our pregnancy and Seth's time with us). But being "heart parents" is not what this is about. (And that portion of the road did have it's own bumps & potholes!)

So fast forward... Seth had his 2nd surgery, the Glenn, on Sept. 11, 2008. Almost a week later, Sept. 17 was probably the beginning of our grief journey. We were home,I had even gone to bed early and the phone rang. Leland burst into our bedroom; "Get up, we gotta go, that was the hospital".. I ran down and told my mom and we rushed to the hospital. Seth had coded. We didn't realize though, the road that would put us on. Fast forward a couple more weeks, October 2, 2008. Seth is still intubated, unresponsive, beginning to show posturing. During our care conference, one of the doctors tells us that he believes Seth could "have another code event within the next 24 hours." And prayerfully, Leland and I decide to not continue with any additional invasive procedures. Seth is put on comfort care. We loved that sweet boy for the next ten days and on the morning of October 12, Seth slipped quietly from my arms into the arms of Jesus.

When I look back, I can not believe how much my life has changed. The irony of recieving the intial phone call and the news that our baby was not likely to get better on the same day, a year apart, is not lost on me. As you can see, our journey did not have a definitive beginning to the road we're on now. We were so blessed to have the time we did with Seth.

I know that other HLHS angel moms occasionally find their way to my blog and I belong to a yahoo group that has been a helpful resource in connecting me with other moms - HLHS Angels
I also found comfort in several websites, Lynnette Kraft's blog, book and support website. I found Emily's site, Stepping Stones helpful as well.

In addition, Leland and I attended a support group called GriefShare. I found it helpful enough to attend twice!

Kelly also suggested we close with a prayer request. I just continue to pray for God to turn my mourning into dancing. I am grateful that His mercies are new every morning and I seek restoration of joy! I also would ask for prayers for the hearts of my "big kids" as all of this has been difficult for them as well and I would hate to see it negatively affect their relationship with God.

Writing this out IS cathartic and I obviously enjoyed it enough to get very long-winded. Thanks for reading. I think this "Walking with You" will be an nteresting journey as well.

IOW Tuesday - June 16, 2009

2009-06-16T21:21:00.000-07:00

I'm late getting to In Other Words Tuesday. (Yeah, big surprise). I wasn't sure I was going to do it. I'm sad today. Of course, that doesn't make today much different from a lot of days.

I've been wondering lately, if I'm just going to be sad for the rest of my life. I find myself thinking "Where is God in all this? Where is MY joy?" But here is what I KNOW to be true. Jesus loves me. "Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you." (Psalm 9:10). The Lord will not forsake me, I just keep turning to Him.

In spite of my sadness, I DO have peace in my soul. I do occasionally question that. I question my faith. I often get hung up on my FEELINGS. When this happens, I try to remind myself of what is Truth. When Seth's loss was fresher, I would chant to myself, out loud, almost as if it was a "mantra", usually in my vehicle; "God is good, He loves me, He is Enough," over and over. For even when I do NOT FEEL it, I KNOW that to be true.

I just keep pressing in to Christ.

“In trouble then and fear I sought

The Man who taught in Galilee;

And peace unto my soul was brought,

All my faith came back to me.”

~ Anonymous

Head over to Shortybears Place and see what Denise and others have to say about this quote.

Not Me Monday - June 15, 2009

2009-06-15T08:07:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I did not get my Not-Me Monday up last week (really, I didn't), so I am NOT drawing on the last two weeks to fill this post!

I did NOT let Kayleigh eat an ice cream sandwich for breakfast because I was simply too tired to fight her over it. Seriously, who does that? Not me, not at OUR house!

I did NOT spend a whole day at work, recently, with MckMama's blog open on my computer (minimized). I did NOT periodically refresh waiting to get to 13,000. I did NOT capture photographic evidence of 13,000,001 and I was most certainly NOT disappointed when MckMamam let 13 million roll by without a mention. Not me, not at OUR house (or my office)!

I have NOT let our new puppy occasionally chew on our furniture because I am simply too tired to be vigilant EVERY. Single. Second. (Oh, no, are we seeing a theme here?) Never happened. Not me, not at OUR house.

I did not schedule myself to be in two places at once on Thursday morning, a coffee date for me, and an eye appointment for Kayleigh. I was not so annoyed with my husband yesterday (over a scheduling thing HE did "not" do) that I have seriously considered keeping my coffee date and sending HIM to the eye appointment with Kayleigh and her brothers. Not me, not at OUR house.

I did not roll my ankle when picking up our new puppy 10 days ago. If I had, I would certainly have iced, elevated, and stayed off of it as much as possible. I would NOT be watching the changing colors on my foot and said toes and using it as normal. Never happen, not me, not at our house!

I did not spend a few days last week neglecting my blog because I was simply too tired to feel like I could put together a coherent sentence. (Oh, are we back to that earlier mentioned theme thing?). Not me! Not at our house.

I did not drive in to work half an hour early today JUST so I would have time to put a Not-Me-Monday post. That would never happen! Not me, not at our house. OR my office!

Head on over to MckMama's to see what others have "not" been doing this week! Trust me, it'll make you feel better. Or at least, a lot less alone!

TSMSS - Cary's song.

2009-06-13T09:44:00.000-07:00

So I'm taking a little break from being profound and I'm sharing the songs for each of my kids. Last week I shared Sean's song and you can read about it here. Cary got his own song. You'll recognize it I'm sure and I'll fill you in on how we change the words.

Of course!
C is for CARY, that's good enough for me
C is for CARY, that's good enough for me,
C is for CARY, that's good enough for me,
Cary, Cary, Cary starts with C.

The great thing? This song suits Cary very well, right down to the sweet tooth!

8 Months

2009-06-11T23:08:00.000-07:00

I've had an odd week. It's been a good week. We have our new puppy, and she's doing well. I had an amazing experience in church this week (Remind me to tell you about it sometime) and am more aware than ever of how much God loves me. I'm on a new anti-depressant which does really seem to be helping. And today, Friday, June 12, it's been 8 months since we said good bye to our youngest child.

I've had an interesting "revelation" (for lack of a better word) this week. I was thinking about the births/arrivals of all our kids. I'm sure all moms will relate to this. There was a point with each of our children when I realized I couldn't remember what it was like before them. Usually it's a good moment.

With Sean, I turned 30 when he was 4 months old. And I felt, for the FIRST time in my life, like an actual "grown up"! (I know that probably sounds strange). And I couldn't remember life before Sean.

Cary had to be hospitalized when he was almost 2 months old. He spiked a VERY high fever after having a cranky day. It could have been lots of scary things, spinal tap was mentioned. It was RSV. And during that hospital stay (3 days), I realized I couldn't remember life before Cary.

Kayleigh's joining our family was a bit harder for me. Having THREE kids nearly put me over the edge (and sometime I can share about that in more detail. Remind me). Because of Cary's experience, one of my MAIN goals with Kayleigh was to keep her out of the hospital. AND, we had an emergency room visit, with an ATTEMPTED spinal tap, when she was 2 1/2 months old. (The ER doc sent us home because we live in town, I promised to see our pediatrician the next day, and I looked like an "experienced" mom. Ha ha.) In that exhaustion, I realized I couldn't remember life before Kayleigh! (Except, maybe, I DID remember being more rested.)

Seth didn't come home until he was 7 weeks old. And the medical stuff STRESSED me out. (The nurses could tell you). I KNEW, however, that when we got him home and had to just DO it, we'd be fine. And we were We coped "marvelously" and I couldn't remember life before Seth.

And today is eight months since Seth went to Heaven. In some ways, I can't remember life before Seth went to Heaven. But here's the crux, from the outside looking in, we look the SAME as we did before Seth. But, oh, look a little closer. See the weariness in my husband's face? And the sorrow deep in our eyes? Our children know a little bit more about the struggles of life then their few years would lead you to suspect. I vaguely remember, not necessarily what life was like, but what I was like, before Seth. I will NEVER be that person again. Even with his presence no longer seen, dare I say, PRECISELY because of that, I am forever changed.

I'm meeting a friend today at the park for a play date, just a few hours from now. What she doesn't know is that I called her precisely because I needed to be with someone who remembered Seth. She was one of the few people who got to actually spend time with Seth as a "regular" baby (we were invited a couple of times to her parents home, in most surroundings, Seth was treated as medically fragile and contact was limited). When Seth left us, she would call to offer support and say "I don't' know what to say, and I don't want to say anything stupid, so I"m not going to say anything. but know that we love you.". Today I need to be around that type of person. Someone who knew me before Seth, with Seth, and since Seth.

Someone who knows that regardless of how things look on the outside, my life will NEVER be the same.

TSMSS - You Are My Sunshine

2009-06-06T13:24:00.000-07:00

I"m late getting this up today.. I haven't been paying much attention to the blog this week. (What's that? You hadn't noticed? Oh well, carry on then.) We've had a busy week, on Thursday we brought home a NEW puppy! Remember this contest? Well, Sheba is home! (By the way, if anyone knows J.D. who won, please have her contact me! She didn't leave an email address and doesn't appear to have a blog. I WOULD like to get her prize to her). However in picking up Sheba, there was a small accident involving a deck and I rolled my ankle. It's a pretty bad sprain (self-diagnosed). So I've been limping around, trying to keep my foot elevated, and still take care of the kids AND the brand new, not-yet-housebroken puppy! And thus, the blog has been neglected. (Not that you noticed).

So I hadn't been thinking much about Then Sings My Soul Saturday. So I was sitting here this afternoon, wondering what to post, and I had an idea. I could share the kids' songs! Yes, my kids each receive their "own" song that I sing to them! (Doesn't everybody do that?)

I'm going to start with oldest and work down.. Sean's song was "You are my sunshine". I used to sing "You are my son, Sean".. tee hee. I know it's silly but it works.

The video has a silly voice, but it works. Do YOU have a song for your kids? Please share in my comments! Over the next few weeks, I'll share the rest of the kids' songs.

In Other Words Tuesday

2009-06-01T23:02:00.000-07:00

Once again, I am a day late and a dollar short for In Other Words Tuesday. But I REALLY didn't want to let this one go by.. Just in case you can't read the quote above:

“What I believe is so magnificent, so glorious, that it is beyond finite comprehension. To believe that the universe was created by a purposeful, benign Creator is one thing. To believe that this Creator took on human vesture, accepted death and mortality, was tempted, betrayed, broken, and all for love of us, defies reason. It is so wild that it terrifies some Christians who try to dogmatize their fear by lashing out at other Christians, because tidy Christianity with all answers given is easier than one which reaches out to the wild wonder of God’s love, a love we don’t even have to earn.” ~Madeline L'engle

So, in case you haven' t figured it out, I believe what is stated above. And yes, I have a very hard time wrapping my brain around all of the implications in that statement. I KNOW that God loves us. I KNOW that by His Grace that is GIVEN to us, I don't have to earn it. All God desires is relationship with us. And it IS terrifying.

One of the main themes on my blog lately has been trusting in God. How can I NOT trust a God who "took on human vesture, accepted death and mortality, was tempted, betrayed, broken, and all for love of us"? I mean, seriously, if God is willing to go through all of that, hasn't he already illustrated that he has my BEST at heart? Lots of people get hung up on tragedy. If God is so good and loves us so much, why do babies die, people get cancer, etc. Honestly, I don't have a pat answer for that. I wish I did! I know that question can be a huge stumbling block for some. I struggle myself recently. Honestly, I occasionally struggled before losing Seth.

I think about how much I love my children. I would do anything for them. And that love, overwhelming as it can be, doesn't even compare to the love God has for me. However, negative things do happen to my children. I can not protect them from every hurt & injury in the world. I don't know that I would want to if I could. When Kayleigh runs the water until it's hot and sticks her finger under it, and it hurts, she learns not to do it next time. And she learns to trust me when I say, "Don't do that". The fact that a negative has happened, doesn't diminish my love for her..

The negatives in my life don't diminish the fact that God loves me. The truth is I live in a fallen world. Sin exists here. Bad things happen. And God loves me. He proves it by sending His only Son to take on human form, and die for me. For ME. For YOU. Really, what more do we need?

To get other people's take on this quote, visit Patricia at Typing One Handed.

Not Me Monday - June 1, 2009

2009-05-31T22:23:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I did NOT look at my calendar and freak out, just a little, because it's already June. JUNE, people! What happened to May? And April and March, for Heaven's sake? Mind you, I did NOT react that way. I would NEVER get behind on calendar upkeep and be caught off guard by a new month (Sixth month of the year.. where the heck is 2009 going anyway?) That would NEVER happen, not at MY house.

I have not become a teeny, tiny bit obsessed with my stat counter since installing it. After all, I write this blog because I feel called to do it and it helps me process my feelings, gives me a place to share and remember with Seth. It is certainly NOT about how many readers I have. So I certainly have NOT been getting a little excited about being able to actually "claim" more than "five faithful followers". (Fifteen?) Nope, never happen, not at MY house.

I have NOT been shirking my household responsibilities in favor of other more fun activities (like blogging, and exploring stat counter statistics). I would NEVER make my kids wear clothes out of the dirty clothes hamper. That would be JUST wrong. I would certainly NOT let "Mt. Washmore" take over the whole laundry room.. (Uh, the whole house?) (For the record, if this WERE happening, it might possibly be because laundry has always been one of my weak points. In all fairness, it has been worse since Seth, but of course:) NEVER happen, not at MY house.

I did not abandon above mentioned household duties, today, in search of more fun for my family. After spending a bit of time doing park clean up for our church's "Outside the Walls" Sunday, Leland and I did not pack up the kids and head to the local amusement park. If we HAD done that, I would certainly not have joined my oldest son on a ride called "Panic Plunge". Said ride would not have been the type of ride that takes you 100+ feet straight up into the air over a mere 30 seconds, and then plummets you down over a mere FOUR seconds. Nope, I would NEVER take my 11 year old son on a ride like that. Never happen, not on MY watch.

Those are NOT Sean's feet (in black sandals) and my feet (attached to the embarrassingly white legs)

I did NOT scream like a girl. Sean and I did NOT agree that, yeah, we might do it again! (Not today!)

And we, as a family, did NOT finish our glorious weekend with a special little treat.

Then Sings My Soul Saturday - Hosanna

2009-05-30T06:54:00.000-07:00

Join Amy at Signs and Wonders to see songs that are making the souls of others sing today also!

This is a song we started singing at church when I was pregnant with Seth. I was especially moved by it because it has the line that says "In your kingdom, broken hearts are made new, You make us new". We also sang this (at my request) at Seth's Memorial service. Now it IS true that Seth has a new heart.. And God is working on MY broken one.

Thankful Thursday - Small Graces

2009-05-27T21:57:00.000-07:00

My Thankful Thursday this week is not going to be in traditional list form. I hope that Sonya at Truth for the Journey will let me slide! I'm pretty sure I'll get at least five things..

Today, I'm especially grateful for small graces. I know that I am a daughter of the King of Kings and that God loves me but occasionally, especially when I'm hurting, I need to be reminded.

I am grateful that Tatyana's heart cath went well. She was feeling a teeny bit better and ate a bit of dinner tonight. I am grateful that God gave me the opportunity to be there and sit with Chantelle this morning. While I was there, JT, Tatyana's dad, bought me a Pepsi. He didn't have to and it was a small thing for which I am grateful.

At the hospital, I had the opportunity to check-in and visit with the nurses and other staff whom we met while on Seth's journey. I'm always blessed by the hugs and warm smiles we get when up on the floor. It's a small grace that often feels larger!

Upon leaving the hospital today, I had no money for parking and the ATM was broken. I was given some parking validation stickers but the parking attendant said they were not valid. In the middle of explaining our situation to the parking attendant, rummaging through my purse, I DID find $5 and the parking attendant just waved me through anyway. (Yes, I told her I'd found the money to pay). It was a small grace.

I took the kids up to our local library this evening. I spent 45 minutes looking for our library cards before I gave up and decided we'd ask for replacements. The librarian was concerned that if they were JUST misplaced, we would waste the $2 replacement fee (per card). I told her that I was sure they WERE just misplaced. (I changed out wallets shortly after Seth went to Heaven and can't find the old one right now). But, I said, we lost a child in October and there's a good chance I'll never find them among the piles of stuff. I did NOT tell her for sympathy. It's just the truth of our situation. She waived the fees. Another small grace.

And finally, there's this:

Someone left a balloon at Seth's marker on Memorial Day. It wasn't us. I just tonight found out who it was. Remember Mary and baby N? The baby they lost is at the same cemetery as Seth and her family left the balloon.. A small grace. "Mary" sent me a note tonight, letting me know it was them, and saying that their family grieves with us. I know that to be true and I'm VERY grateful for her presence in my life.

And I think now is a good time to share. "Baby N"? The N stands for Nehemiah which means God's comfort. I am SO thankful for God's COMFORT!

Walk With Me Wednesday - Prayers

2009-05-27T07:13:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to go into huge detail.. I don't want to embarrass anybody. But today I'm remembering a day ago last July. I met a friend, Chantelle, on the Internet. We had connected via an HLHS email loop and her family was in Spokane. They were new to the area, having just moved in October. Chantelle shared that her daughter Tatyana was having her Fontan (the 3rd HLHS surgery) at Sacred Heart Children's. I emailed asking, if all went well, if we could come up and meet them. (As it happens, we had a cardiologist appointment at the hospital two days after Taty's surgery.. which given how OFTEN we saw the cardiologist is NOT a huge surprise). When I got up there that first day, Chantelle wasn't there. I left a note. I'm pretty sure I missed her the second time too. But as they say, 3r time's a charm and it's a MEMORY! I probably won't forget even without recording it here...

At that point, Tatyana was having some complications. I can't remember the details but she still had chest tubes, they were worried about chyle thorax, etc. Chantelle had come in and for various legitimate circumstances, her "mama bear" was in full mode that morning. Having JUST met Chantelle (mere minutes, seconds maybe!), I got to witness, as she herself puts it, her "head spinning like Medusa". :) I could tell that she was just a mom who wanted the BEST for her child, like we all do. I was grateful I had left Seth at home with his dad and I was able to busy myself playing with baby London! But you know, I LOVE Chantelle. She's been a great friend and I'm blessed to have her in my life. And her family needs our prayers.

Tatyana, as I previously mentioned, has protein losing enteropathy. She's having a heart cath today. Chantelle took her in and had her admitted to PICU yesterday as she was incredibly weak and not eating. PLEASE pray for wisdom & discernment for the doctors, for wisdom & discernment for JT & Chantelle as they oversee their daughter's medical care. I got to talk to Chantelle for a bit last night and was DELIGHTED to hear how well she was doing emotionally. She was experiencing peace that she couldn't explain.. Please pray for that to continue and for their family to draw close to God during this difficult time.

Thanks, friends!

Because I can't resist sharing this cute picture of Seth - from that time frame (last July) - Seth and Tatyana's baby sister, London

One of my FAVORITE pics of Tatyana from her hospital stay last July

We Remember... Memorial Day 2009

2009-05-25T07:28:00.000-07:00

I had a very interesting conversation with Sean this week. We were in the van. ALL our important, interesting conversations (or at least 90% of them) seem to take place while we're driving in the minivan. Sean mumbled something about Memorial Day and people not even knowing what it's about, just being excited about the day off. "Um, Sean," I queried, "Do YOU know what Memorial Day is about?". He confessed that he didn't really.. He thought it had something to do with people who had died and the military. I was glad to tell him he was closer than he thought. And nowadays, it's also a day to remember and honor those who have gone before us.

I apologize for the quality of these pics. I had to do some scanning and some settling. I've already mentioned my poor organizational skills, so I'm making do.

Today, in our household, we will remember:

"Uncle Cary" My mom's younger brother,
Donald Douglas "Cary" Savill
1948 - 1999

The top picture was taken in the spring of 1993. It's my Uncle Cary with the picture he painted and gave to Leland and I as a wedding gift. The inset picture was taken at the Savill Family Reunion in July of 1999. Uncle Cary was my FAVORITE uncle growing up. I'm grateful that he did get to meet Sean before he died and am sure that he is entertaining Seth in Heaven.

Grandpa Savill, my mom's dad
Donald Colin Savill
1925 - 2000

Both of those pictures were taken at the Savill Family Reunion in July, 1999. That's Sean on Grandpa's lap in the top picture.

"Grandpa Red" Leland's dad,
Monte Lee "Red" Bonnett
1935 - 2003

The top picture is Red holding Sean in December of 1999. The bottom picture is Red holding Cary and it was probably late 2001 (December, maybe?)

And of course, in our home, we'll remember:

"Baby Seth" Our sweet, sweet boy, Our little "tough guy,
Seth Douglas Bonnett
March 27, 2008 - October 12, 2009

The first picture was mid-August 2008, on our living room sofa. The remaining pictures of Seth were taken by the wonderful photographer, Heather Evans at Slice of Life Photography. She donates some of her valuable time to the hospital, giving families losing children, precious, precious ways to hold onto their memories. They were taken on October 2, 2008. I didn't realize until just now that the outfit was the same.

Today, as we do EVERY day, we remember.

As I"ve been going about my getting ready to go out with the kids today, I've been humming and singing a song that I feel is appropriate for this post & this day.

Seconds...

2009-05-24T07:29:00.000-07:00

Sort of. But only because I've already done "Firsts..." here. Last night, the kids and I attended an Open House BBQ at the home of my friends, Jeff & Patty, to celebrate Jeff's 50th birthday. (Which is actually today.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JEFF!). I almost didn't go. Jeff told me on Friday night that they were expecting between 50-80 people. I know very few of Jeff & Patty's other friends. I don't do well in situations that require mingling. But my kids enjoy their kids, I like Jeff & Patty so I sucked it up and I went.

I had forgotten that there would be introductions. Introductions that went like: Sarah has 3 kids, 4 year old boy twins and a 7 year old. Kathryn has 3 kids and they're close to our kids' ages. VERY few people at this party knew about Seth. His name didn't come up all evening. And I guess, as awkward and strange as it was, it needed to be that way. I"m struggling a bit. People talk about feeling "disloyal to the departed loved one" and the conflicting emotions that can bring up and I confess; occasionally, I would think that was ridiculous. I KNOW life is going to go on, Seth's not always going to be an up-front part of it. It DID feel odd to not talk about him tonight.. to not say, "I have FOUR kids" (although, really, all night I don't think I actually answered the how many kids do you have question even once).

So, all in all, this was a HUGE, saddening first. It IS okay that Seth wasn't a part of the evening for others. He is always a very large part of my heart. I get that it's not always appropriate to discuss that part of my life story. This is just part of moving forward. Also, it was interesting to me that this environment, surrounded by mostly strangers, was an ENTIRELY different experience than when I"m in environments surrounded by people who DO know about Seth, even if Seth is not mentioned (as was recently alluded to here).

The good news about yesterday evening? Next time I find myself in a similar situation, it will not be the first! I think (and hope and pray) that even if it is not easier, it WILL be a little less disconcerting.

Then Sings My Soul - Inside Out

2009-05-23T21:28:00.000-07:00

I stumbled across this meme quite awhile ago. And I debated adding it but I'm still figuring out the blog thing, it seems, and I wasn't sure about adding another thing. It really does appeal to me though. God really uses music to speak to my soul and I wouldn't mind sharing some of those stories on occasion. But first:

I mentioned a song we had sung at our Mother's Day service a few posts back, here. I'm not quite sure why I didn't at least try and look for the song then, but it didn't happen. Today it was posted on my pastor's blog, Fully Devoted. So I thought I would attempt to share it with all of you.

Enjoy!

Godly lessons for from my kids #1

2009-05-22T14:47:00.000-07:00

I'm starting a brand new non-consecutive series. For more details, read here.

The first lesson I"m going to share comes from Kayleigh. Obviously, since she is my 3rd child and Leland and I parented for 8 years before she came along, this is not the first lesson I've received. It is the one God's been working on my heart with lately...

So lately I've been thinking about trust. How/if/when I trust the Lord in my life. (What? You thought I had it all figured out? Ha! Sorry to disillusion you.). One of my first favorite verses (as I'm sure it is for a lot of people) has always been from Proverbs 3:5-6. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."

It's fascinating to me how my understanding of that verse, my willingness to trust the Lord and my ability to surrender have grown over the years. I remember the first time I heard/read that verse thinking "YES! That's what I want." and I began, or so I thought, to trust in the Lord with ALL my heart. And then, years later, Kayleigh was born. I remember those first few months going from two to three being so hard. One day, I just laid down before the Lord and said "I can NOT do this." God said "Trust in me with ALL your heart" (and there was something about "it's about time, Kathryn, Ive been waiting for you.). And I did. Or at least I tried to lay myself down before the Lord.

If you've read this blog at all, you know we've been on quite a journey for the last year and a half. I would like to say that trusting the Lord has been second nature and make it sound easy. But it's not. I DAILY have to lay myself down and surrender what *I* want for what God wants for me. And honestly, some days, I do not even know what that looks like! So I just put forth my feeble efforts.... and THIS is where the lesson from Kayleigh finally comes in! Recently, Kayleigh broke a toy.

It wasn't THAT toy but it was basically a cheap plastic Happy Meal toy. She was mildly upset when I said we would have to throw it out. "But honey, it's broken." Her response? Without ANY doubt in her voice: "Daddy fick it." Daddy fix it. She didn't need to ask him. She didn't need to see if he could. She just trusted he would. Daddy will fix it. And God spoke to my heart about trusting Him completely.

The issues in my life? HE can fix it. My broken heart? Let Daddy - My Abba Father - fix it.

"Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart." Again, I'm reminded, ALL my heart. Even and especially the wounded, sad, aching parts of my heart. Again, I work on laying it all down, surrendering to the Lord. It's not easy (ever) but Jesus loves me. Together, we'll get there.

Daddy fix it. Amen.

Godly lessons for from my kids - Introduction

2009-05-22T07:23:00.000-07:00

Coming up on my blog: I have a series of related thoughts but I'm not sure how long it will take me to get them all blogged out and I may not do it in consecutive "parts". What I've decided to do is introduce the concept and being with what I'm going to call #1 (coming very soon, later today!) and we'll see when/if/how long it takes us to get to #2, etc. Okay? Okay!

Being a parent is such an interesting endeavor. We are instructed to "train a child up in the way he should go" (Proverbs 22:4) and "bring them (children) up in the training and instruction of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:5). One of my very FAVORITE passages regarding children and teaching them the ways of the Lord is in Deuteronomy. "Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up." (Deuteronomy 11:19) Which would lead a person to believe that the ADULT teaches the child about God, right? Yeah, I know, I was that foolish and naive when I started parenting too!

I am not the first person to come up with this concept but truthfully, I learn SO much more from my kids. I SEE illustrations of how Jesus works in our lives. In the way I love my children, I am given mere glimpses of how much God must love me. I could go on and on.

My point is, I regularly RECEIVE Godly lessons FROM my kids. And I'm going to start sharing some of them here as I feel led to. Aren't you, my five faithful readers, blessed? (hee hee) (Oh, side note: someday I MAY actually start claiming fifteen faithful readers.. wouldn't that be something?)

For more on the concept of "learning" Godly truths from our children, I recommend Sacred Parenting: How Raising Children Shapes Our Souls by Gary Thomas.

Somebody else's baby...

2009-05-21T14:50:00.000-07:00

I went to the cemetery today. I hadn't been for awhile. I wanted to go on Mother's Day and didn't make it and haven't been since. I am planning on taking the kids on Memorial Day, and wanted to go then as I had heard they do a beautiful job with US flags.. and they do! The picture above is not the cemetery where Seth is but a very similar thing has been done with the flags and they are flying everywhere.

So I had a counseling appointment this morning and afterwards I stopped at the store, picked up a potted mini rose bush and headed to the cemetery. Grief is a funny thing, I'm finding. One of the many "side effects" is that it seems to be isolating and somewhat self-indulgent. Let me explain what I mean, or at least attempt it. I find myself more frequently in situations that have nothing to do with Seth or our loss of Seth. Of course, I do, time marches on. And on one hand, I embrace that. And on the other hand, it can be SO so hard as I still feel like my heart is broken into pieces and I"m trying to put on a "happy face" and move forward. I have been lately wondering if I hadn't made it too much about "me". If I'd taken my focus off God and become all wrapped up in my grief. If I was too consumed with MY stuff.. MY loss, MY hurting, my inability to REALLY cry as when I feel like I need to or want to, I'm too surrounded by children to be able to do so.

So I took the yellow mini rose bush to Seth's marker. And immediately recognized the outdoor carpeting on the grass.. I didn't stay long because of the tent being assembled mere feet from where Seth's body lies. Today, somebody else's baby is being buried. I drove home, overcome with compassion. I stumbled in the door, threw myself down on my bed and cried. You know, "the ugly cry".

I don't know if I can explain what that meant to me. Or if it will make sense to anyone who hasn't been through this type of loss. Or if it will make sense to others who have. But I was almost relieved to experience that type of reaction FOR somebody else. It truly wasn't about MY loss or Seth.. but the fact that out there, so close to our home, another mom is hurting, experiencing a loss no mom should have to endure. In this fallen, broken world, I was SO grateful for the opportunity to experience that kind of compassion and to intercede for that mom, asking God to bring her peace and comfort.

God is so faithful to keep showing me that if I can only trust in Him, He WILL bring me through this - triumphantly so. I can be a better witness for Christ, a better servant of the Lord and THAT is what I am MOST grateful for after all!

If you promise..

2009-05-21T13:44:00.000-07:00

.. not to notice the horrific mess my house is, I'll share some fun pictures I took this morning. Would that be okay?

Quality wise, I don't have TERRIFIC pictures. I have a Kodak point and shoot digital camera. If I were getting a new digital camera today, I would pursue other options but for now this is what I have. I do enjoy taking pictures though, especially of the kids. And close-ups of flowers and things but Ill save THOSE for another day.

So, if you've been reading my blog at all lately (all five of my faithful readers..), you saw this post where I talk about patience. In it I alluded to asking my big boys to "stop wrestling or playing football in the living room for the fourth time in fifteen minutes." I know you all thought that was for mere comedic value. I present you with photographic proof!

What you CAN'T see in these pictures is that Kayleigh was sitting on top of that rubbermaid container, kicking it with her feet and chanting "De-Fense, De-Fense". She's such a cheerleader for her big brothers!

And no criticizing my messy living room, you promised!

Broken calendars...and a WINNER!

2009-05-16T21:18:00.000-07:00

Today's been such an interesting day... It was the one year anniversary of bringing Seth home from the hospital as illustrated here. And really, as far as that goes, it was an okay day.

I have been a LOUSY calendar keeper for the past 7 months or so. I didn't realize how much so until just tonight. I have a brand new 2009 calendar. I JUST tonight broke the seal on it. I am trying to make summer plans for the kids, camp, etc.

As part of my process, I went through the 2008 calendar. It was bittersweet to see all the dates marked for Seth, during pregnancy (non-stress tests twice weekly, fetal echo's, etc) and after he was born. And as I went through the calendar, there were dates marked for his surgery and his heart cath. And there were dates written on by my mom when she was here taking care of the big kids for us. And there's a few things written on the calendar in October. And after that, the calendar is practically blank. Which says sad things about the type of mom I've been for these last 6 months. And telling things about what grief can do to us. ::::: sigh :::::::

Moving on....

Remember this little beauty here:

Uh, not the GIRL, the PUPPY. She has a name!! We (more on that in a moment) picked a winner. Can I just say how much I enjoyed this? Thanks to ALL of you for taking the time to comment and give us options to consider. I see why MckMama does contests. You guys are FUN to read!!

If you haven't already, go back and read the comments on this post. There were so many great choices. Some of our favorites (but NOT the winners, wish we were getting more than one dog!): Molly, Peaches, Sadie. One of my favorite entries was "Sydney" by HolliLynn. We might have even considered it EXCEPT:

That big momma dog with the little puppies? (Including ours!) SHE is already Sydney!!

So without further ado, because we've waited long enough, OUR puppy will be called:

SHEBA

Thanks to JD who wrote:
Sheba! She (she's a girl), and "Baaaaaaa" because she's a sheepdog / shepherd ;) S to honor the first letter in Seth's name. And Sheba is a Biblical name!And, well, puppies, they tend to rule the coop, and you know she'll reign in your house... Queen (of) Sheba?

JD, email me and I"ll get your gift card to you! Starbucks or Amazon? YOU pick!

For the record, I hadn't really thought of the "s" thing until you guys suggested it. A couple of different sources have Sheba as meaning "promise" in Hebrew and "kingdom" in Aramaic. I can live with that.

Oh, and that "we" I mentioned earlier? That would be Leland, I, and SEAN! That sneaky boy read my blog and has already been surprised with the knowledge that we're getting a puppy! He promised not to tell and agreed that Sheba was a good name!

Thanks for your help!!!

A year ago today..

2009-05-15T21:36:00.000-07:00

This small boy...

after spending 50 days in this same hospital room...

His first 50 days, and the first quarter of his life..

Got dressed in these fancy duds...

Cuddled with this nervous mama.....

Was placed in this (picked just for him) car seat...

And taken home...

Where he was welcomed with open arms.....

by this VERY experienced big brother...

and this less experienced big brother...

and this novice big sister.......

Creating this happy picture of four lovely children all together in our home.

A picture that lasted for all too short a period of time.

We ALL miss you, Seth. Thank you for blessing our lives.

Thank you, Jesus, for the grace, courage, and strength we witnessed in and through the circumstances surrounding our small miracle boy. We are grateful for the time we had with him and anxious to see him again in Heaven. In Your time.

My First Ever Blogging Contest!

2009-05-14T22:41:00.000-07:00

Saturday - 9:00pm: Comments now closed. Winner announcement coming soon.

Edited to include additional guidelines. See below.

Alright, readers (all four faithful followers, hee hee), I'm going to lighten things up a bit today and host my FIRST EVER BLOGGY CONTEST. Are you so excited? I AM! If you were paying attention on this post, and I'm guessing most of you were NOT as I did not get a SINGLE comment on the section to which I refer. Ahem. But I digress.

Our family is growing. Sssshhhh, don't tell the kids. It's still a surprise. We're getting a puppy! This adorable little sweetheart right here:

Isn't she cute? Her name is currently "Bailey" and while it's a perfectly adequate name, I suspect we'd have a lot of confusion around here. Cary & Kayleigh already sound a lot alike. Can you imagine if we add "Bailey" to the mix? Truthfully, I'm more worried about hollering at Kayleigh ("NO, Kayleigh!") and getting poor Bailey all disoriented. So we need to

NAME THIS PUPPY!

I'm not quite sure what the winner will get but I promise it'll be worthwhile. (I'm thinking a $10 gift card to Starbucks or Amazon). Plus, you get the honor of having named our puppy! All you need to do is leave a comment with your suggestion. I don't care if you have a bunch of suggestions but I'd REALLY appreciate it if you put them all as one comment, okay? So pretty much my only rule is one comment per person but feel free to make as many suggestions as you want within that one comment.

"Bailey" (soon to be someone else) is 100% Australian Shepherd. She's 4 weeks old and will likely be coming home soon. We're excited but she needs a name. And just so you know, I'm running the contest so I don't have to listen to my kids argue over what we name the dog! I'm going to just pick the winner and there we go!

I'll probably close the contest Saturday night. Thank you!

And just in case you'd like some additional guidance (you know, to increase your chances of being picked and all).. Our previous pets have either had "cute" names or names with meaning or some combination of the two.. I had hamsters, "Peanuts" & "Popcorn", a cat "Kisses" (cause she gave them out), dogs "Archie" which was short for Archimedes.. who in addition to being a famous old Greek guy, was the name of the owl on Sword in the Stone, & "Jitters".. We also had a Ginger and a Sophie, both already named when we recieved them and we kept those names. For this little one, I would like something somewhat feminine sounding, and with meaning!

If you've already entered, I am totally okay with your deleting your comment and substituting a new one with additional suggestions. When I close comments, I (and my husband who just found out about the contest, oops) will just go through the comments and see what we like!!

Have fun! Happy puppy naming!

Thankful Thursday - May 14, 2009

2009-05-14T16:24:00.000-07:00

Another Thankful Thursday. I'm probably going to sound repetitive but I'm churning this out quick today as we've got lots to do. Here goes:

1. I am thankful for my husband. I really am. Sure, we have our differences but this morning he let me go back to bed (I"m coming down with something I think). When he left this afternoon for work, he hollered back into the house "Thank you, Kathryn" and I said "for what?" and he said "for everything!". How sweet is that?

2. I am thankful for Sean, Cary, and Kayleigh for bringing bits of joy into my life everyday! (As mentioned in yesterday's post, and other places)

3. I am thankful for enough food to eat, clothes to wear and a house to sleep, work, play and live in!

4. I am thankful that we live in such a great country. I may not always agree with you (generic you) or our political leaders but I have the freedom to disagree! And to work where and how I can and to worship as I desire. God Bless America!

5. I am thankful for our Heavenly Father who makes all of the above things possible! "Every good thing comes from above".

Walk with Me Wednesday - Snapshots..

2009-05-13T20:36:00.000-07:00

Edited to add a "Cary snapshot" towards the bottom.

Oh, another Walk down Memory Lane with Lynnette! Yay! As usual, I"m late getting to it.. Better late than never, right?

Today, I've been thinking about snapshots. Not necessarily photo snapshots, but memory snapshots. Those "moments" literally, minutes in a day, that we think we'll capture in our memories for always. Of course, on our own, our feeble minds can't remember.. Heck, I'm lucky I can remember what I ate for breakfast! So, today I'm just going to share some random "snapshot moments."

All, yes all four, of our children have/or are currently, receiving speech therapy. Sean's been at the longest, starting when he was 2 and still getting some at school. Cary got a few years between age 1 and when he "graduated" late last year. Kayleigh got about six months of speech before Seth was born and has recently started up again at the school. Seth saw speech language pathologist (SLP) for oral issues, mostly feeding due to the g-tube.

I was recently reminded of a speech therapy session when Sean was about Kayleigh's age. He was working on the /k/ (hard k as in kitten or cake or carrot) sound. The SLP put a card in front of Sean and he said the word. They were flying through the list.. "Carrot" "cat" etc. A picture similar to this appeared on a card:

And Sean very earnestly stammered out:
"cu.. cu.. cu-MUFFIN" Years later, I'm still laughing about it!

I almost re-lived that moment today! Kayleigh has this tendency to drop her first vowels. She's currently working on s blends, st, sn, sk, etc. at the beginning of a word. The SLP reminds her to "let the air out of your tire" as Kayleigh says "sssssssssssss" at the beginning of a word. "Ssssssssnow" "Sssssssssssssski" etc. So today they're using cards. And Kayleigh's truckin' along and the image below appears on the card:

And Kayleigh stammers out:
"Sssssssssssssssssss Pee Yew!" (It sounded like "spew").

Cary "graduated" from speech therapy last fall. Our wonderful SLP saw him about once a month through November due to the "instability" in our home at the time. I was grateful. I couldn't think of a specific speech therapy to share but Cary offered up a similar example for me this evening! We were going to his 1st grade "musical" performance. I was asking him where he was standing on stage so I could sit in the right area etc. Cary says, "Oh, mom, I'm not going to be singing Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star." Uh, okay? "I"m going to be paying the glockensmock."

The WHAT? Oh, GlockenSPIEL. Of course! And you do "smock" (smack) it..

Sometimes I forget that our kids don't always perceive the world the way we do. I'm glad. What joy those "mis-perceptions" bring to my life!!

In Other Words Tuesday - Answered Prayers?

2009-05-12T15:47:00.000-07:00

Well, today is Tuesday and that means time for "In Other Words: Tuesday". Today Loni is hosting over at Writing Canvas. Head on over and check out the amazing, inspiring story she shared today, as well as what others have to say about today's quote. Keep reading for MY take on it!

Can I say how much I LOVED today's quote? Well, LOVED might be a bit strong. Actually, now that I'm REALLY thinking about it, I may not even like this quote from Gary House's book, Seeking the Face of God: The path to a more Intimate Relationship with Him. But here's the story.

As you well know, I HAVE learned that faith isn't tested by how often God answers prayers with a Yes. What kind of faith would it be if it were? If God were a "genie", what sort of faith would we be required to have? (Short answer: None). Believe me, I would like nothing better than to have all four of my children here, together, healthy and happy. I would. And I prayed for that. And because I don't get to just rub the magic lamp (and we live in a sinful, fallen world due to our free will), that's not what my life looks like right now. And I'll be honest, deep down, I'm rarely okay with that. I MISS Seth. Every minute of every day. I WANT him here with me, that's how it's SUPPOSED to be. (In my book anyway, right?). And it's not like that.

And, yet, I have faith. I have a Lord who loves me. I am BLESSED to be able to serve Him. Sometimes, right now especially, serving the Lord hurts. I've been taking Kleenex to the hospital (as previously mentioned). And as much as I "like" to go up there and see the nurses and some of the people who loved us through our journey with Seth, it is, EVERY SINGLE TIME, harder than I think it's going to be. I have been able to share parts of Seth's story. I have done those things because God has given me the opportunity and asked me to be obedient in serving Him. But bigger than that, I recieve grace from God to do those things.

Angie, Audrey's mom, shares on her blog, Bring the Rain, that when they told her Audrey would die, her response was "I think my Jesus is the same as He was before I walked into this room". My Jesus is the same yesterday, today, tomorrow. He was before Seth was born and He continues to be after Seth's death. And I AM grateful. For where would we be without Him? Thank God, I can cling to Him with all my might and never have to find out!

Praying for Tatyana

2009-05-12T15:26:00.001-07:00

Look at this ADORABLE face!

Thank you for the prayers already prayed after my brief shout out earlier.

Tatyana went home from the hospital yesterday (Monday) evening. Her mom can manage meds at home and it's easier for a family, with an older and younger sister to take care of, as well as patient, to be together under one roof.

Chantelle posted an update on Tatyana's care page and gave me permission to re-post it here:

As some of you may know Tatyana was admitted to the hospital Saturday
because she was diagnosed with Pneumonia. After hours of test they were also
able to come to a conclusion on what is causing her swelling that has
progressively gotten worse since March. The good part for now is she came home
today and she had what is actually called Human Parainfluenza Virus type 3 which is often associated with bronchiolitis and pneumonia.( and yes it was sent to be
tested for Swine Flu results were neg.) The hard part is she has something
called Protien Losing Enteropathy or known as PLE.

What is Protein-Losing Enteropathy?
As the number of survivors after the Fontan operation have increased, an unusual and inexplicable ailment called "protein-losing enteropathy" or PLE, has been noted to occur in some children within a few weeks after the Fontan operation, or years later, in children who are otherwise doing well from a cardiovascular standpoint. Symptoms of this ailment may include swelling of the abdomen, shin and ankle area, and a change in bowel habits with the development of diarrhea and abdominal discomfort
Children with PLE lose protein molecules from the blood serum into the intestinal tract. Over time, the concentration of serum protein in the blood stream can be significantly depleted. One consequence of a low concentration of serum protein is the inability to maintain fluid within the vascular space. Low serum protein
levels can result in the accumulation of fluid outside of the normal vascular
spaces and in the abdomen, ankles and shins. An abdominal fluid collection is
called "ascites", and fluid in other tissues is generally referred to as
"edema."
The loss of protein into the stool results in a change in bowel
habits with the development of diarrhea and abdominal discomfort. Edema of the
intestinal walls may result in poor absorption of food which promotes further
worsening of the diarrhea. Another consequence of intestinal protein loss is the
depletion of serum immunoglobulins which fight off infection. Patients with
severe PLE are therefore at risk for serious infections at a time when the body
is already weakened by other symptoms related to edema and ascitesPLE after
Fontan operation is a puzzling disease.

At the moment, treatment options are limited, but include:
1) general symptomatic relief by using diuretics and changes in diet
2) treatment at the intestinal level with steroids or heparin infusion
3) treatment at the cardiac level by improving hemodynamics either with medicine (captopril, enalapril), or with a fenestration or a heart transplant.
Still unknown is the precise mechanism of this disease and why it
afflicts some children and not others. Further research into the cause of PLE is
needed. Once the cause is better understood, more effective treatment options
may then be used for this troublesome illness.

~ I know this is a lot of reading but it seemed like the best way to explain it. ( was to copy and paste?)
I just hope and pray that she will make it through this. She is a strong little
girl. I just want her to be happy and play and not feel sick.

I believe they are currently managing Tatyana with medications. PLEASE be praying for this family! I know Chantelle is worried, who wouldn't be? Please pray for God to give her peace in the midst of this trouble time. Thank you, friends!

Firsts..

2009-05-11T23:14:00.000-07:00

In 45 minutes (or by the time I finish writing this post!), it'll be Tuesday, May 12th. Seth has been in Heaven for seven months, which means that I have walked on this earth more days since saying goodbye than I walked with him breathing beside me. I think I can honestly say I don't hurt as INTENSELY as often but I know I don't miss him any less than I did on October 12th.

It's been a year of fascinating first, this past year (and I actually mean about the past 13 months). We've had the usual firsts, experiencing with our fourth child the same types of things we experienced with our first, second, and third.

First breath (at birth)

First visitors

First introduction to siblings (well, Sean didn't get that one!)

First bottle

First day at home

First smile

First giggle

First time he reached for a rattle

First car ride

First time attending church

First time to visit someone at their home

First Mother's Day, Father's Day, Fourth of July

With Seth, we experienced a whole new world of firsts!

First open heart surgery and all that entailed (first IV, PIC line, etc)

First extubation (we naively only expected one, not a FIRST, goes to show how little we knew!)

First g-tube

First heart catheterization

First weight, pulse ox checks at home

First home nurse visit

And the firsts which Seth has already missed -

First Halloween

First Christmas

First time sitting up alone

First crawling

First Birthday

First time standing

If Seth were here now, we'd be celebrating and anticipating:

First solid foods

First steps

First words

But instead we are dealing with a whole new experience of firsts:

First time his insurance card didn't come in the mail

First Mother's Day without him

First anniversary of his homecoming from the hospital - without him

First Father's Day, Fourth of July, etc without him

We had the first time his brothers cried for him.... the first day he wasn't with us... the first funeral our 3 "big kids" attended.. first cemetery visit.

But we've had AMAZING firsts.. Not quite as easy to list and pinpoint.. little things that let us know we'd be okay, in spite of our loss and because of our God.

First time I didn't cry in church.

First Kleenex delivery to the hospital

First time I sang "Blessed be Your Name" without weeping

First time Kayleigh said Seth was "at Jesus"

First friends I wouldn't have if not for our experiences

And almost bigger than that, and most recent, the first time I shared my experience and a little bit of how Seth touched my life for the glory of God. I am SO grateful. I am grateful to know how much God loves us, to know that God's glory can and WILL (and does?) shine in our suffering and difficulties.

Thank you Lord for the opportunities to grow in your love, to know your goodness and to share how I see You working.

Not Me Monday - May 11, 2009

2009-05-11T15:14:00.000-07:00

OH, here we are again, Another NOT ME! Monday, which, incidentally, I am not getting posted late. Again.

So you might know the drill, MckMama recommends NOT ME! Monday as free therapy, where upon we confess to things we did NOT do during the previous week. Since I can't seem to post consistently (and I do NOT envy those who do!) I get to use stuff over a longer period of time. Because, you know, I could certainly NEVER fill a whole NOT ME! Monday post with only a week. Not at OUR house.

I did not, recently, sneak into my 11 year old son's bedroom, late at night, to check on him after getting home. I did not take my husband's word that said son was still awake. I did not stealthily creep into said bedroom, pulling myself up even with the bunk bed and pause while I checked to see if son, Sean, was actually asleep. Said son did NOT at that VERY moment, open his eyes and begin screaming. I do NOT feel guilty for having scared 10 years off the life expectancy of my oldest child. And I certainly did NOT console said child by assuring him that the GOOD news was that if he ever DID have an intruder in his room, he WOULD scream his head off and I most certainly would hear him. And after THAT little adventure was over, I did absolutely NOT collapse into a fit of giggles upstairs spurred on by my already hysterically laughing husband. Never happened. Not at our house!

I did not, recently, take pictures of my daughter solely for blog fodder. I certainly did not post said pictures here. After all, I would never let said daughter sleep on my bed with a dump truck. My beloved and I sleep on that bed! Nope, never happened. Not at our house!

Yesterday at church, my children did not make Mother's day gifts that were "spoonfuls of love" - wooden spoons with little tulle bags of candy attached. Said candy was not the candy coveted by most moms - chocolate. Said children did not then proceed to eat said candy. From. All. Three. Gifts. If they HAD, I would certainly NOT be upset about it. Nope. Not at OUR house.

Yesterday, I did NOT overeat on "spamwich" buns for lunch. I don't even like spamwich buns. They are certainly NOT a comfort food that we make because I remember them from my childhood. I certainly wouldn't find it an appropriate food to serve my MOM on MOTHER's Day. I'm not even sure it can be called "food" when the main ingredients are spam and velveeta. And after NOT over eating on "spamwich" buns, I would certainly NOT have let my children talk me into dinner out. That would just be silly for a woman who could already stand to lose too many pounds to specify to behave in such a manner. Never happen. Not at MY house.

I did not upon seeing a picture of myself on my pastor's blog, cringe. I did not consider emailing him and pleading with him to remove said post. I did not have to be talked out of those actions by my husband upon seeing myself on my pastor's other blog. IF that type of situation arose, I would simply be grateful that God was using our story in some small way. I would NEVER feel insecure about having my picture plastered all over the world wide web. Nope, not ME. Not at my house. And I most certainly did NOT, upon seeing that Pastor Glenn had added my blog to his blog listing, shriek out loud. I have much more decorum than that. Never happened. Not at my house.

Leland and I did not recently realize that it would be okay for us to acquire a new family member. If we had done that, we would certainly NOT be keeping it a secret from the kids. I would not be reluctant to tell others, fearing their reactions. And I would most definitely not be planning on revealing details on a post coming soon to a blog near you. Nope, never happen. Not at my house.

And lastly, just so you know I'm not going on forever, I did NOT end a very sweet Mother's Day by going to bed too late. And because I did not allow myself to get fatigued, I did NOT cry myself to sleep. (Although, if I had done that, it would just have been from missing Seth and WOULD be allowable at my house). Because I did NOT stay up too late last night, I was NOT incredibly irritated with my 3 year old daughter when she showed up in our bedroom at 5 am. I did NOT have to haul myself out of bed and around the house in a state of exhaustion while trying to get ready for work and make sure everyone had clothes to wear today. And why wouldn't we have clothes readily available? I am certainly NOT perpetually behind on laundry.

Nope. Never happened. Not at MY house!

Happy Mother's Kathryn Day 2009

2009-05-10T22:49:00.000-07:00

Today was a gentle day. My favorite part, outside of the things God did as described in the post below, was the sweet gifts from my children.

Sean and Cary both made "presents" in school, using their thumbs! Sean's is the pink one, Cary's is purple..

In addition to that, they both gave me handmade cards. Sean's said "Happy Mother's Day" on the front. The inside said "because of all your hard work and dedication, you deserve a Happy Kathryn Day!" Do you love it??

Cary's gift included a letter. I'm writing it as he did, my corrections (so YOU can tell what it says) are in parentheses.

Der mom yor ies (eyes) are the leetblue (light blue) and you are cyut (cute) as Seth are the bast (best) mom in the wold I like you the wae you are

The best part? I mean besides the fact that I'm as cute as Seth.. After Cary read it to me, he burst into tears. Because he was just so happy!

A sweet, gentle day. My heart ached for Seth but was blessed by the presence (and presents, tee hee) of Sean and Cary. Thank you God for our family!

I do want to end this with an important request: I just found out that my dear friend, Chantelle's sweet daughter Tatyana is in the PICU. Taty has HLHS, as Seth did. She has had all 3 surgeries but is having some pretty serious compications currently - flu, pneumonia, protein losing enteropathy (PLE). Chantelle was a HUGE blessing to me when we were in the hospital with Seth, coming and spending some time just helping out with my "big boys". I have SO enjoyed her friendship and my heart hurts for her as I KNOW how much her mama heart is hurting. PLEASE pray for them!

Mother's Day 2009 - Patience

2009-05-10T16:20:00.000-07:00

Where to start? I have alluded to this but not come right out and said the situation, on the blog anyway. People who know me personally already know, I shared a brief testimony at church today. I'll get to details on that in a moment...

One of the things I haven't shared on my blog, much, is how desperately I've been praying for away to share Seth's story. I long to reach out to others in some way because I so desire to see some good come out of Seth's short time with us. I haven't shared much here because I really want it to be a work of God and I've been waiting on Him to reveal that. As of yet, one of the things I have been doing is taking Kleenex boxes up to the hospital (I don't know about all hospitals, but the Kleenex provided in our PICU is a JOKE. Sandpaper, smallish. Ridiculous, really). To date, I'm still waiting on God for some kind of "significant" (knowing my defintion and God's likely differ!) ministry. I have however been blessed with small opportunities to reach out to people and share the impact Seth has had on MY life.

We have been doing a series on "The Fruit of the Spirit: Inside Out" at the church I attend, Timberview Christian Fellowship. We started with "Learning to Love", then "Jumping into Joy", "Pursuing Peace", and today "Practicing Patience."

We began, as we often do, with an amazing time of worship. One of the songs we sang really touched my heart and I actually wrote down a couple of the lyrics to share with you!

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades,

Neverending, Your glory goes beyond all fame,

And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise,

From the inside out, Lord, my soul cries out.

In additon to this great worship, our kids presented a beautiful rendition of Amazing Grace. Oh, and my mom and Larry were at church! I mention this here because my mom said she got teary watching my sons, her grandchildren up on stage! What a blessing, huh?

And as part of Pastor Glenn's sermon, I did stand up (in front of our church, both services!) and share some of our story and especially how God has used patience in my life recently. What I've shared is below for your reading pleasure. If you feel inclined, you CAN listen to Pastor Glenn's message and my contribution here. (I start about 15 minutes in but you'll be blessed by listening to the whole thing.)

And this morning I shared:

A few weeks ago, Glenn posted something on Facebook about the Fruit of the Spirit and how -- when you put pressure on fruit what’s on the inside comes out. I commented that I thought I’d experienced that and he asked if he could share that some Sunday, so when he called and asked me to contribute something for a sermon I wasn’t completely surprised. Until he told me it was for Mother’s Day. And the topic was patience. Patience? ME? Have you SEEN me with my kids lately? And then a funny thing happened, as I was praying about what God would have me share, I noticed myself becoming more patient with my family.

The other day, my husband Leland got up with our three kids and let me sleep in for awhile. When I finally hauled myself out of bed, I thanked him for being so patient with the kids. He said that he didn’t feel like he was being patient, he was just dealing with the situation he was being handed. How often do we do that? We think we’re just coping with the craziness of life and we fail to see that God is at work in us and so we fail to give God the credit for giving us the strength to live our lives in ways that are pleasing to Him.

In the last year, our family has had a lot of experience in dealing with difficult life situations. During Seth's 6 1/2 months with us, we spent a large amount of time waiting and trusting him to the Lord. God helped us through that time in ways I still don’t fully understand – but He did. I know I could not have done that without patience from God. Even though in the middle of it all – I didn’t always see it that way.

To say the last year has been difficult for our family would be an understatement.
I'm not proud to admit that in my longing to be alone in my grief and process the journey our family has been on, I have spent almost as much time resenting my 3 "big kids" as I have rejoicing in them. And in that, I've learned many lessons. I've learned patience with myself. It is cliche to say that "I'm a work in progress" but it IS true. As a believer, walking with the Lord, I'm still growing, and thank God for that! Maybe you too could learn that lesson in whatever you are dealing with. God is certainly patient with us.

In 1st Thessalonians 5:14, Paul urges us to "help the weak, be patient with everyone." I can think of no job description that requires that more than being a mom. As I listen to my 3 year old daughter Kayleigh ask me "why" for the thousandth time in a day, and as I ask our sons Cary and Sean to stop wrestling or playing football in the living room for the fourth time in 15 minutes, I exercise patience I didn't know I had. But it is a patience I choose by leaning into the Lord and asking for more of Him every day.

I have a painting in my living room with a quote I've grown particularly fond of. "Patience with others is Love, Patience with self is Hope, Patience with God is Faith."
I am blessed with love, hope, faith and patience. What a great God we have!

Mother's Day 2009

2009-05-10T00:53:00.000-07:00

So, in looking at my clock, it appears that Mother's Day is here. I am blessed with MANY "mothers" in my life. I would like to wish them all a Happy Mother's Day. I also want to thank all the women out there who aren't mothers in the sense that they are not or have not raised children of their own. ALL of the women I know personally who fit that description ARE mothers in one way or another. Some of them have mothered me and some of them have mothered neighbors or other women. "Motherhood" in any shape or form is a blessed calling and thank you for your faithful obedience!

I was blessed to have spent 24 of the last 36 hours on a silent retreat. I was with some amazing sisters in Christ and we had the opportunity to be quiet and wait on the Lord. The Lord blessed me with a very RESTFUL time - I don't think I even realized how much I needed that. And there were moments of revelation and wonderful moments of prayer. And I'm grateful. Times like that help to strengthen me for times like this.

Mother's Day missing Seth.

I spent some time this evening trying to figure out what our family would wear to church tomorrow. For as long as I have been going to Timberview, they have a tradition of taking family pictures on Mother's Day. I have last year's. It shows me and Leland, Sean, Cary, Kayleigh. I would scan it for you but organization is not my strong suit and I'm not sure where it is. I specifically remember looking at that picture and hoping it would be our last family pic without Seth.. Seth was still in the hospital when it was taken... And now, of course, Seth will be missed in tomorrow's picture..

I DO however have another Mother's Day picture from last year:

It's not as posed as the one taken at the church. But,I confess, I love it more.

Someday, we'll all be together again. And until that day, we wait with expectant hearts.

An addendum...

2009-05-08T15:03:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about yesterday's post.. Did you read it? I did a Thankful Thursday and in point #5, I talked about that saying "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" and basically I think it's bunk. What I said yesterday was that I believe we do often receive more than we can handle because if we COULD handle it on our own, we wouldn't think we needed God, would we?

But today I got to thinking about another point I wanted to make. I do not believe that God GIVES us all the negative things we wind up with. We live in a sinful, fallen world. We have pollution, disease, etc. We sin and suffer consequences. Bad things happen to good people, etc. God did not intend that for His creation. But we do have free choice and thus, we are on this not always happy ride!

I DO believe that God ALLOWS negative things in our lives. I also believe that God ALWAYS redeems that negative with good. We may not see that good ever this side of Heaven but we are assured that it happens.

And I would look up that scripture reference (I believe its Romans 8) but my boys just got home from school.. I am headed out the door (as soon as the sitter gets here) for 24 hours of quiet time with God. YAY. And have a BIG weekend when we get back. More on THAT later!

Thankful Thursday - May 7, 2009

2009-05-07T15:00:00.000-07:00

I haven't done Thankful Thursday for awhile. (What's that? You've noticed? Yeah.. sorry 'bout that). I"m slowly trying to get back into things and sharing my gratitude and gratefulness for God's greatfulness is a GOOD thing. (Ack, I think I just channeled Martha Stewart). And so, without further ado, in no specific order:

1. I am SO grateful for my husband. Leland is walking with the Lord and he makes such an awesome effort to be a great dad, husband, partner. I was out of the house this morning and came home, after Leland had left for work, to discover he had vacuumed the living room and cleaned the bathroom. How great is that??

2 I am thankful for my kids. I really am. Sure, they can push my buttons and make me want to spin my head around, but they bring such joy and blessing into my life!

3. I am thankful for my parents. Both of them. But especially since Mother's Day is coming up, I want to give a shout out to my mom!! She has been such a huge blessing to my family. I'm still so grateful for the time she came and stayed with the "big kids" while Seth was in the hospital..

4. I am thankful for a God who calls us to do things for His glory. Granted, it may be out of my comfort zone (oh yeah.) but God doesn't call me to be comfortable, He calls me to be obedient. I've been a slow learner but it might finally be starting to sink in... Thank you, Lord.

5. Most importantly, (for today) I'm grateful for God's grace. I first shared this line of thought way back in December in this post. I think it rings even more true today. I am fully aware that most mothers would say their greatest fear is losing a child. I was once one of those mothers. One of the things I struggle with is the perception (that I have) that other moms are looking at me, wondering how I'm doing "so well" when they "know" that if they lost a child they would just go to bed and stay there. It would be their worst nightmare. I once felt that way. But God's grace is sufficient and all we need. I've recently come to the conclusion that the old saying "God never gives you more than you can handle" is a crock. I believe God often gives us more than we can handle. On our own. The whole point is to lean into God. To depend on Him and require His help. How would we even begin to do that if WE could handle it?

And so, as I continue to walk this path that has turned out to be my life as I now know it, I am grateful for God's grace. I am BLESSED beyond measure to know that I do NOT EVER have to handle the difficculties of life on my own, regardless of how big or small they are!

And the answer is....

2009-05-06T22:40:00.000-07:00

People react in odd ways when you have two boys and then have a girl. Suddenly you (well, your daughter) are in possession of more pink clothing than you could have possibly known existed. All the talk is about how different boys and girls are. Many reminders to wipe from front to back during diaper changes. And people ask questions. I used to get asked a certain question a LOT. It recently dawned on me that I have not been asked the question for awhile. I do find that a little odd given that Kayleigh is not even 3 1/2. Do you know the question? I bet you do if you have more than one boy and a daughter!

What's on everyone's mind? "Do you think she'll be a tom-boy or a girly-girl?" Alright, here's MY personal disclaimer: I don't really care one way or the other if Kayleigh turns out to be a tom-boy or a girly-girl. She's just Kayleigh to us and we love her JUST the way she is! In spite of that, I've always found it an intriguing question. Maybe because I don't align myself as either "tom-boy" or "girly girl". Of course, I'm the oldest in a family that had 3 daughters and 1 boy.. maybe that makes a difference. At any rate, I have observed Kayleigh to see if I can see indicators in her personality, a leaning one way or the other. My conclusion? And I wasn't always sure it even existed but I think she has potential leanings toward being a "girly tom-boy." You know, she has these two older brothers she's always trying to keep up with, yet, she LOVES to be "girly", wear pretty dresses, carry her purses, etc.

And NOW, joy of joys, I have photographic proof of such a possibility:

What's that you say? You can't tell what I mean about her being a "girly tom-boy" from this picture? (But you CAN tell how adorable she is!)

How about this:

Do you LOVE it? She's wearing a pink madras summer dress, over JEANS. (Her choice..that's another thing, my boys NEVER had an opinion about what they wore). She loves her books and so she's napping with a stack of books. But did you notice where they are? In the back of a dump truck!!

Here's another view:

Yup, a girly tom-boy. That's what I'm talkin' about!

Monday Miscellaneous..

2009-04-13T20:54:00.000-07:00

So, I haven't done a Not Me Monday for awhile.. Partially because I haven't been blogging much lately.. Also because Stellan, MckMama's (host of Not Me Monday) sweet boy has been in the hospital with a heart condition, the same condition he almost died from in utero. They've had a rough go of it and are on week four in the PICU. Things seem to be stabilizing out a bit but Stellan still needs cardiac care and will eventually need an ablation. You can click on the "Praying for Stellan" button in my left sidebar. Anyway, I've been following their struggle, praying for Stellan and his family and it's hit, at times, a little close to home..

So, I re-did the blog to make myself feel a bit better.. Turns out that wasn't completely necessary as Easter, and our Lord, helped me feel a LOT better. But what do you think of the new layout? It's starting to feel a bit more like home!

And then there's this:

I FINALLY got my act together to participate. Lynnette, at "Dancing Barefoot on Weathered Ground" is featuring a blog every Monday & Friday, just to give us a chance to get to know each other a bit better. I LOVE the idea! You can get to her place by clicking on the Getting to Know You button (above or in left sidebar). Go, sign up! It'll be FUN!

And, last but CERTAINLY NOT least, I've won my first ever blogging award! How fun is that? I was totally surprised. But the sweet ladies at The Suite Life of Lucy & Ethel honored me with the "Friendship Award." I "met" Lucy, also known as Helen, when I won her book "The Jeffrey Journey" from Loni at Writing Canvas. I left a comment on Loni's post, Helen emailed me and it went from there. I read her inspiring book and have followed their blog a bit since. So they gave me the award with the comment:

We're sharing this award in the hope that you'll keep up the blogging :)http://thesuitelifeoflucyandethel.blogspot.com/2009/04/straw-wrappers-awards-and-prayers.html ~Lucy

How encouraging is that?? (Very!) And here it is:

And if I understand correctly, MY job is to pass "The Friendship Award" onto 8 blogs.. Here goes:

1. My friend Cathey who blogs at: And That's the Truth... Cathey and I have been job partners for almost two years, She & her husband, Keith, lost a son 20 years ago to Leigh's Disease. When Seth was in the hospital, they graciously came alongside Leland and I and walked that path with us. Words can't tell them how much they meant to us! I think they know... I couldn't pass on a FRIENDSHIP blogging award and not mention Cathey first!

2. The previously mentioned Loni at Writing Canvas Loni was one of the first bloggers I met who reached out and encouraged me. I commented on her blog a couple of times, emailed her when something she had written resonated with me in my grief. She emailed me back with sweet encouragement.

3. The also previously mentioned Lynnette at Dancing Barefoot on Weathered Ground Lynette has also written a book, In Faithfulness He Afflicted Me, about the 3 children that have preceded her into Heaven. And she was an encouragement to me, as much as Loni.

4. Lauren Biggs who blogs at That Girl. Lauren is young but wise beyond her years and a sister in Christ. I enjoy her blog quite a bit.. finding myself wishing she would blog more often.

5. Jess who blogs at Mourning into Dancing. Jess is also a sweet sister in Christ. I enjoy her blog and appreciate her transparency and vulnerability! I'm not sure she'd consider ME a friend but I certainly consider her one!

6. Millie who blogs at Colin~HLHS Warrior. Millie and I met on the HLHS support group I was on before Seth went to Heaven. Millie still reads and comments on my blog. She recently checked in with me on my Facebook page and I appreciate HER friendship as well!

7. Emily at Stepping Stones: a path to healing after losing a child. I can almost guarantee that Emily doesn't know who I am. I check in with her blog frequently and appreciate her heart to help moms who have suffered what she has suffered.

8. I'm pretty sure this last person won't acknowledge this award but I've decided not to let that stop me! I'm going to pass it on to our lead pastor, Glenn Teal. Glenn blogs at Fully Devoted. I find his blog to be inspiring and helpful in pointing my focus upward to Christ. In addition to that, Glenn (and his wife Nancy) did a pretty amazing job coming alongside and supporting Leland & I when Seth was dying. We felt really supported and cared for by them, and still do!

Well.. given that this post about miscellaneous items may turn out to be one of my longest posts ever, I think I'll call it a night! I hope you enjoy meeting some of my new friends. Let me know if you find a favorite among them. I think they are all gems!

Easter changes Everything...

2009-04-12T21:22:00.000-07:00

I had a post all written - in my head - for today. I was going to talk about how I've been struggling lately.. How hard it's been since Seth's birthday. Today is Sunday, April 12, 2009, which makes it Easter. Easter is the last of the "this would have been Seth's first --" holidays. And today being Sunday, April 12, 2009, makes it six months since Seth went to Heaven on Sunday, October 12, 2008. And things have been hard. And then I went to church.

Additional information: I haven't been in church for about a month. With all the traveling, we've been out of town, or too tired/busy (which I know is a poor excuse), we just haven't made it to a church service. But of course, today was EASTER. So making it to church was a priority (and this is something I do for ME, so I can go and worship in fellowship with other Christians, and glorify God.)

By the end of the 2nd song, I was feeling grateful to be there. I was even thinking "no wonder I've been feeling depressed lately.. I've been missing THIS". After our initial worship, the kids presented an amazing performance to visually remind us of the sacrifice that our Lord made for us. (Sean asked me if I liked it, when I said yes, he said he found it "gory". "Gorey? Sean, imagine what the crucifixion must have been like!" "Oh, yeah.. good point, Mom")

And then Pastor Glenn gave his message.. Easter Changes EVERYTHING. My past, my present, my future. Because of Easter, because my Jesus CHOSE to die on a cross for me and was resurrected - conquering death, I am given new life. I am transformed and redeemed. I am FREE. And Seth is free. Pastor Glenn reminded us that when the Lord is our Saviour, our forever begins today! Seth is living forever with Jesus already. When it is God's timing, I will be reunited with him.

Truthfully, that doesn't always make every day easier. Some days are still hard. But I know I WILL see Seth again. I WILL. Together, we will stand and worship in the presence of the Lord. And that, my friends, that hope - which we have because of EASTER, that changes EVERYTHING!

Our church's messages are available on line and if you'd like to hear Pastor Glenn's amazing, encouraging sermon, you can listen by clicking here (the Timberview Christian Fellowship audio sermon page).

Serious.Life Magazine - April edition!

2009-04-09T20:47:00.000-07:00

I wanted you to know about this publication I’m a part of called Serious.Life Magazine. They just published a new issue today, and I am in their Featured Blog Directory. It’s a very high quality magazine… you’ll really like it.

The magazine includes a lot of great content from bloggers you’ll appreciate, as well as great features, photos and other content. The magazine is owned and published by a family who have seven kids, three adopted and one who has Leukemia (www.riggsfamilyblog.com). The magazine gives away a bunch of ads to charities and ministries. Besides great articles on interesting people, there is a lot about family, adoption, personal finance, spiritual life, humor… all sorts of “life” topics.

Again, the subscription is FREE, and I know you’ll enjoy the magazine, so take a minute to check it out and sign up to get future issues.

A year ago today...

2009-03-27T23:37:00.001-07:00

Seth's first "cleaned up" pictured. Excuse the date.. I had mis-set my camera and didn't realize it until later.

Happy Birthday, sweet, sweet Seth. We miss you. The kids sent helium balloons to Heaven. Kayleigh was actually quite sad to see her Sponge Bob mylar balloon float into the sky.. Cary & Sean didn't have the same reaction to the Sesame street bunch and the multiple candled cake balloon heading off into the blue yonder..

I've spent some time today thinking about a birthday party with Jesus.. Can't quite wrap my brain around it.

Yesterday someone said "Wow, a year, doesn't it seem like a lifetime ago?"

Yes, it WAS a lifetime ago. Seth's lifetime.. and then some.

Cary's Scary Disney Adventure

2009-03-20T22:54:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: The above picture was NOT Cary's scary Disney adventure. He asked to have that picture taken. Jasmine is his FAVORITE princess. Who knew?

Our 2nd day in Disneyland, a Thursday, we started the morning in FantasyLand. Leland had to run back to the hotel for something and so Sean, Cary, Kayleigh and I took in some rides. Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, Pinocchio, and Snow White's Scary Adventures, pretty much in that order. At that point, Kayleigh refused to even stand in line for another ride. Cary was pretty much right behind her. So I took Kayleigh & Cary to the carousel and Dumbo while Sean & Leland went on Peter Pan. We had some fun with that and after a bit we decided to head over to the Haunted Mansion. Sean, Cary and Leland were going to go through the Haunted Mansion; Kayleigh ("that ride scawy for ME") and I waited outside on a bench by the retaining wall. After waiting a little bit, my cell phone rang.

On the other end of the phone was Leland. "Cary just took off. We're just getting on the elevator and he said "Scared, scared, scared" and ran out. Do you want us to get off the ride?" I said No. Go on the ride, Cary knew where I was (I thought). I waited a few minutes. No sign of Cary. I packed up Kayleigh and headed over to the entrance. No sign of Cary. Too many people to try and get too far in the line. I lugged Kayleigh around to the exit, told the cast member coming out the exit "My son just ran off this ride and I don't know where he is." He told me to tell the cast member on the porch. I head up there, repeat my story. He tells me where the exit is. Uh. NO. My son was getting ON the ride and ran out, I don't know where he is. He called security.

So the kind security guard, Gail, came. Sean and Leland got off the ride. No Cary. I gave his description to the security guard (and showed her a picture I had taken earlier that day; after telling Cary & Kayleigh, "I'm taking this picture of you so I can show it to security in case you get lost." Seriously.) She called in another security guard who looked at the picture and they looked in the immediate area for Cary. Gail stationed me outside the Haunted Mansion, in case Cary wandered by. Leland joined the active searching. And we wait. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

Half an hour into standing there, I have come to the realization that Cary IS lost. I confess, ONE of the SCARIEST hours of my life. Sean & I prayed together for Cary. I got a little teary. Prayed for peace. Pulled myself together. Prayed some more. Leland and the 2nd security guard head towards TomorrowLand in case Cary went to Astro Blasters (his favorite ride!). Gail called in an All points alert. At this point, EVERY Disney cast member with an ear piece knows that Cary is lost and what he looks like.

Meanwhile, in other parts of the park:
When Cary ran out of The Haunted Mansion, he immediately headed for FantasyLand. He hadn't heard me say that we would wait there and he assumed that we were in FantasyLand doing Dumbo & the carousel. So that's where he went (smart boy, really). He looked for us there, checked out stroller parking, didn't see us OR the stroller. Decided "Well, next we talked about Pirates of the Caribbean" so he headed THAT way. He did ask a cast member for directions but at that point, the "all points" hadn't been issued yet so that cast member didn't know he was lost. Part way to his destination, Cary got confused about where he was going, stopped to asked another cast member for directions. Cary approached the cast member and as he looked up to ask his question, the cast member looked down at him and said: "Are you Cary?" Cary said "yes" and the next question was: "Would you like a sticker?"

Seconds later, in front of The Haunted Mansion, Gail turns to me and says "They found him." THANK GOD! May I just say here that unless you've been in this situation, you can't imagine the relief I felt. Of course, that was quickly replaced with that "How could you make me worry so much" anger. Gail walked us over to the Shooting Gallery where Cary was. Leland & his security guard beat us there. I calmed myself down enough to just grab Cary and hug him. He cried. It was a good reunion! ::grins:::

Things we learned: If I'm with it enough to be taking pictures "in case I lose you", I need to also go over the "if you get lost" directions! Didn't even occur to Cary to tell a cast member he was lost.

And, as in all good tales; All's well, that end's well!

Thankful Thursday - March 19, 2009

2009-03-19T21:15:00.000-07:00

I know it's late in the day, but I'm going to give Thankful Thursday, as hosted by Truth 4 the Journey a shot!

The five things I'm thankful for today.

1. I"m thankful for a patient kind husband. Truly he is. He doesn't complain (much) when I get crabby, sad or depressed... He's been SUPER understanding about my inability to get motivated to get things done. I possess that in general, especially in regards to house stuff, but more lately since Seth.

2. I'm thankful to have an environment I am mostly comfortable in. Our home. Our church family. Our community. I had a great vacation (and I wish the weather here were better right now) but if absence makes the heart grow fonder, it doesn't take much time away to make me grateful for home.

3. I"m thankful for great friends. Friends who do things like THIS for me. Yep, I have some truly amazing firends, most of them sisters in Christ. I am a blessed woman.

4. I'm SO thankful for God's blessings and provision. For how REAL He provides in our lives. I haven't shared as much about our Disney trip as I intend to (still coming) but God showed up in AMAZING ways. AMAZING. AWESOME ways. At least once a day (intentionally nad that I remember, I'm sure it was more than that), I looked heavenward and thanked God for His grace.

5. I'm thankful, SO thankful, for Sean and Cary and Kayleigh. For the joy and treasure they bring into our lives, MY life, EVERY single day. They are such amazing kids. There are so many things I always want to remember. The way Kayleigh said "Mickey not scary" after she saw him the first time. (And this was after weeks of "This one scare me (Mickey), I go see THIS one (Minnie)"). Sean and I riding Space Mountain for the first time together and getting off saying "THAT WAS SO AWESOME." Cary, who so enjoyed his time with Alex (son of a friend of mine whom we met at Disneyland), that he wanted to know when he'd see Alex again before he wanted to know when we'd be back at Disneyland.

Well, there! I like Thankful Thursday. That's a pretty impressive list, really. Thank you, Lord, for putting these things in my life. For BEING IN my life.

Totally Annoying

2009-03-18T21:34:00.000-07:00

So Nicolas Cage has a new movie coming out:

Have you seen the ad for this? In the last scene of the ad, Nicolas Cage's character is tucking his son into bed. And this adorable little boy says to his dad: "Are we going to die?". And do you KNOW what his dad says? He answers with: "I will NEVER let that happen." ARGH.

Everytime I see this commercial, I want to scream. "I will never let that happen." As. If. As if he has any control. As if he can make that promise. Of course, I remember being that comfortable with life. I remember thinking I had any kind of control.

:::Sigh:::

In June, I took the big boys to "Sibs Day" at the hospital. Usually they do it for oncology families but this year they opened it up to all families with a chronically ill child. The boys spent some time learning about blood (they LOVED that part) and discussing feelings they might have as our family was affected by Seth's medical condition. I got to spend some time in some sessions for parents and getting pampered by a "spa" afternoon. At the end of the day, I drove the boys home, all excited about the gifts they'd recieved (a backpack full of stuff, snacks, games, for when mom was busy with Seth) and what they'd learned. In the van, Sean said to me, "Mom, did you know that cancer is not contagious?". "Sean, I TOTALLY knew that. Did YOU know that Seth's heart defect is not contagious?" "Really?" Sean said.

That night, as I was tucking the boys into bed, the conversation continued. What I remember the most is that Sean asked me: "Could Seth die from this?". I wanted to say No. I wanted to assure him that Seth would be JUST fine. That we would have normal happy lives. Instead, I took a deep breath and answered as honestly as I could. "Yes, Sean, Seth COULD die from this. But mommy & daddy are doing the best we can, and we're giving him his medicines like we're supposed to and the doctor's are doing what they can. We pray and ask God to keep Seth healthy. But, yes, he could die."

I wish I could have said "I'll never let that happen."

I'm thankful that I was honest.

In Other Words Tuesday

2009-03-17T06:07:00.000-07:00

Today's In Other Words Tuesday is being hosted by Patricia at Typing One-Handed. She chose the following quote:

What would happen if we stopped lamenting about the fifty things we can't control and focused our attention on the fifty thousand things we can control? What would happen if we stopped whining about things we have the power to change and finally took charge of our lives and changed them? What would happen if we stopped borrowing sorrow from tomorrow? If we got in the habit of asking ourselves, "What's on my plate today?"
~Karen Scalf Linamen
Chocolatherapy: Satisfying the Deepest Cravings of Your Inner Chick

I love this quote. It speaks to me about so many of the things I want to do in my life. To live simpler, to surrender the things beyond my control, to do what God calls me to do with the things IN my control, to raise my children to see a simpler life, to.. Oh, wait, I'm doing it again aren't I? I'm just elaborating on some of the things I want to/can/are trying to control. :::: Deep breath ::::

Truthfully, since Seth went to Heaven, some of this has just come into my life. I make a conscious effort to NOT focus on and worry about the "fifty things I can't control" (or more). Once Seth entered our lives, there was So much we could not control.. From being pregnant again to finding out he was "sick" in utero to his surgeries to outcome; we couldn't control any of it. Mind you, that didn't stop me from trying to figure out how to get the outcome I wanted. And that just caused undue, unnecessary stress. Once I just turned over to God the things I could not control (which pretty much involved everything at that point!), life just got a lot.. well, not EASIER but simpler.

It's such a valuable thing to learn to let go of that which we can't control. And that encompasses SO much of our lives... I'm so grateful that I am not God and I don't' have to worry about all those things.. Which leads me to the second half of that quote..

What if I stop worrying about ALL the things I CAN change and just do it? What if I ask myself "What's on my plate today?" and stop worrying about tomorrow?

This part? Not so good at... I've spent the last few months working on fighting off a "paralysis" of sorts. I struggle a bit with depression and it's been very hard to get anything done. I"m trying to improve that. I'm making some practical steps to help myself.

But to some degree, I have to believe that I'm doing the best I can in this season of my life. I am grateful to have a God so much bigger than me. Every day I put one foot in front of the other, get through the day the best that I can. If the kids are fed, safe and relatively clean, the day has been a good one. And I pray for God's help and strength to do it all again tomorrow!

Head over to Patricia's blog (by clicking the link at the top of this post) and see what others had to say about this thought provoking quote.

Not Me! Monday

2009-03-16T06:17:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

It's been awhile.. Let's see if I can remember how this works.

I did NOT get home from a wonderful vacation and THEN develop a common traveler's ailment that has kept me running to the bathroom most of the night. And if that had happen, I would most certainly NOT admit it here on my blog. Because that would just be wrong!

I did NOT wake up in the middle of the night, with a start, realizing I had forgotten things my kids said or did on our vacation that I was going to specifically remember. Of course this did not happen. Stuff I wanted to remember I would have WRITTEN down somewhere, right? (Written it down.. to remember. What a novel concept. Ha ha. Pun not intended!).

And the aforementioned stuff that I did not forget? I did not intend to remember it JUST to use it for blog fodder.

I did NOT lose patience with Kayleigh on our plane ride home and attempt to pretend that I did not own this small wiggly child sitting RIGHT next to me (and no other parent.. her & I in a 3 person row all alone).

I most certainly did NOT get frustrated with the lady in front of Kayleigh who kept turning to glare at me EVERY time Kayleigh even touched the back of the seat in front of her. I did not give that lady a piece of my mind telling her that we too paid for our seats and have every right to be on the half empty plane. If it bothered her so much, she could have moved into the empty exit row window seat directly in front of her. Actually, I really did NOT do that last part, but I wanted to!

And on THAT note of limited self restraint, I have a little girl begging me to find her princess hat. I think it's in the luggage which I did NOT leave laying in the middle of our living room floor all day yesterday.

Welcome home!

2009-03-15T21:44:00.000-07:00

We're home! Today has been a lazy day.. I can't believe how wiped out we all were by that vacation.. Leland was the only one of us who actually got dressed!

Disclaimer: This isn't my house.
(I was going to post a picture of a glorious clean home but I can't get blogger to let me upload an image right now.)

BUT.. we were SO blessed to come home to a clean house. I have amazing wonderful girlfriends. My lazy day has been spent enjoying my clean house! Lucky me!!

Headed home

2009-03-14T07:28:00.000-07:00

Today we leave all this behind:

and head back to our frozen home.

Can I admit that I'm dreading a few things? The cold, for one. This has been such a warm vacation. The blue sky does so much for morale. At home, in March, the sky will be gray, the ground will be gray. Sigh.

I worry that people will assume/wonder/hope that I'm "all better now". Uh, not so much. Seth's birthday is less than two weeks away. I'm dreading getting home and feeling exactly the same as I did before we left. There. I said it. THAT is my biggest fear.

I know I won't feel exactly the same. For the truth is, I am not exactly the same. I have, again, seen God's provision and grace in ways that I used to only imagine. I continue to be a woman with hope. And now? I know that my kids have hope that our life will go on. That we will have fun again. For have fun we did!

If you know me, be patient with me. With us. As much as I wish this journey was shorter, I think we still have a ways to go.