"Omens"?

Last night, the diamond fell out of my wedding ring. It's a small diamond, the ring's not extremely expensive but it's my WEDDING ring, people. We couldn't find it. (We didn't spend a bunch of time looking for it, it's small, I discovered it missing when I was in bed). So today I walked around with a naked ring finger. I used to think that I'd like a mother's ring (still do really) or an anniversary ring, but what I want right NOW is my wedding ring back. Funny, how that works, huh?

We've been informed (by more than one source) that the percent of marriages that fail after the death of a child (still living at home) is something like 80%. EIGHTY percent. That's 4 out of five marriages FAILING after a crisis like we're coming through. Leland and I have already made the decision to do whatever we can, and seek help when necessary, to make sure we don't wind up there. We have three other kids who need us and we can not let this tear our family apart.

So, in the middle of our grieving.. the diamond slips out of my ring. I admit, the timing sucks. Fortunately, I don't put much stock in this type of thing as an "omen" or whatever. Still, I was feeling sad, a little out of sorts, about everything and losing the diamond didn't help.. And towards the end of the day, I found a penny! If you haven't been reading long enough to understand the signifigance of that, read here.

I am so glad that pennies are plentiful, and God is patient.

Sorting it out

So, I haven't posted lately. (Duh). I'm struggling just a bit (Duh, again).

When I started this blog, I told my big kids (read: Sean & Cary) that "No, this would not be ALL about Seth." "Yes, this will be about our WHOLE family". Honestly, I intended for this to be a place that I could update people - friends, family, other interested parties - on how Seth was doing. We'd be able to share his milestones here, etc. Okay. So. Not so much.

I'm struggling to figure out where exactly I'm going with this whole blog now. Maybe I should just throw in the towel? I figure by now I've lost any readership I'd managed to attract (yup, all four of you).

And then I realized something.

I need to rethink ALL of it. Not just the blog. Everything. I'm the mom of four children with only three to actively parent. I don't know what that looks like. Sean has TWO younger brothers. Cary is the "luckiest" (as we tell him) because he has a big brother AND a little brother. Kayleigh is NOT the youngest member of our family. I just mentioned to a friend yesterday that I want Kayleigh to KNOW that she IS a big sister. I don't know what any of this looks like.

So, apparently, for now, this blog is a metaphor of my life. I guess that we'll figure it out together. God, my husband, I and the kids. And as best I can, we'll let you come along for the ride. Hang on! I don't know what's around the next bend!

Your own ears will hear him. Right behind you a voice will say, “This is the way you should go,” whether to the right or to the left. Isaiah 30:21

Another Good bye

Friday (yesterday) was Seth's Memorial Service. His life was celebrated in a beautiful manner. I"m so blessed to be a part of a church community with such willing and talented people. Beth put together a beautiful slide show. Cary sobbed with each picture. And while I took many of those pictures, and I was the one who sent them to Beth, I was very touched by the presence of all those people who loved Seth.. Their presence IN the slideshow and the presence in the sanctuary of all the people who love our family. Many of the people who attended yesterday's celebration for Seth hadn't actually met our sweet boy. Due to his heart condition, our visiting and travels were kept to a bit of minimum over this past summer. The fact that those people would still gather to honor his short life was very meaningful to us.

Pastor Glenn gave a loving message, Randy gave a sweet tribute. The song "Glory Baby" by Watermark was sung beautifully by April Young and Jillian Willis. The food was plentiful. All in all, it was exactly what I "wanted" (knowing that nobody ever WANTS to do this). I found it to be a meaningful, beautiful goodbye, worthy of our sweet baby boy. When it was all over, I was spent.

I woke up this morning, though, and realized that even as I thought that could be a "final goodbye" that was not to happen. I think (and I'm still very new to this journey) that we'll have a series of goodbyes.. every day, everything we have to do without our baby Seth will be a new goodbye. We took Cary to his football game this morning. Our entire family. Minus Seth of course. And in every first time and next time that we do anything "minus Seth" will be a good bye.

Until we are with him again.

Another day..

So, yesterday we said our final goodbye to our sweet baby boy and buried our son. And appropriately enough, in a week that had so far been sunny days (which at least make it a little easier to get going), yesterday was cloudy. It's so interesting to walk this journey. I'm discovering a confluence of what I think it should look like, what I think others think it should look like, and what it actually looks like. For example, the burial yesterday just didn' t seem that difficult (I'm fully aware that a big part of this is that I"m still numb and in shock). What DID hit me the most though, was the visitation. I realized with a jolt that this was the last time I would see Seth.

Wait, let me correct that last statement. NOT the last time I would SEE Seth. I firmly believe that we WILL see Seth again in Heaven. I also do not claim to have any idea what that looks like. Given how broken our earthly bodies can be (and Seth's was, inside at least), I don't tend to think we'll see each other looking like we do here. And of course we have pictures and I'll see Seth in those. That was the last time I would see his sweet little body and I will not have the joy of holding him in my arms, smelling his sweet head. I confess that is a hard pill to swallow.

But today, today is a new day. Today is the day we celebrate what we did have of Seth's life. While I can't say I am looking forward to it, I can share that today the sun shines and the clouds have dissipated (for now anyway).

And with all praise to our Lord (and this will really mean something to those who know me well), today I awoke with a song in my heart. "Saviour, He can move the mountains. My God is mighty to save, He is mighty to save. Forever, Author of salvation. He rose and conquered the grave. Jesus conquered the grave." (Ben Fielding & Reuben Morgan).

Mercies every morning

One of the things I've ALWAYS counted on is a "fresh start" in the morning. No matter how bad things look at night, a new day always shines just a bit brighter. There's always hope.

It's dark outside. Our house is finally quiet. I should drag myself to bed. But in a very real way, tomorrow does not shine brightly for me at this point. Tomorrow is the day we bury our son. I honestly have no idea how I"ll get through the day. Except, of course, I have three other children who need me. They need me to be their mom and help them deal with their grief. And I need to figure out how to do that while dealing with mine.

And in spite of my fears & worries, the sun WILL rise tomorrow. (It may be behind cloud cover but it will be there). The world will go on. We'll get through saying good bye to Seth, again. And we WILL move forward in hope.

But I will call on God, and the Lord will rescue me. Morning, noon, and night I cry out in my distress, and the Lord hears my voice. (Psalm 55: 16-17). Thank you, Lord for being our strength morning, noon, and night. I praise you for hearing my cries and rescuing me.

The Art of Understatement

To say this is a difficult week would be.. well.. see title above! We have fought our way this week through the fog in our lives and worked out arrangements for Seth. I had no idea there would be so many details, etc. to deal with. I find myself thinking "does it even matter?" at pretty inopportune times. I'm inventing new words having declared our session at the funeral home as the "least lousiest" it could have been. (With much thanks to Rollin, a very kind and compassionate man, although, there was head tilt and I almost burst into giggles when I realized that.. Cathey, that's for you! For the rest of you, I might explain later ... or not).

At any rate, arrangements, such as they are, have been made. We will be having a visitation for immediate family on Thursday followed by Seth's burial. Friday will be a Memorial Service at 11am at our church, Timberview Christian Fellowship, followed by a luncheon. I don't expect any of this to get any easier.

I can only say how grateful I am for the hope we have in our lives. Thank you, Lord for holding us up when we fail ourselves.

Broken Hearts, Whole Heart

Seth received his brand new whole heart, in Heaven, at about 5:30 this morning. It goes without saying that our hearts are a little more broken today. He will be missed more than we even know....