Sunday, January 3, 2010

Feeling Sad...

Loss is hard. Any loss of a loved one is hard. Losing a child, I sometimes believe, is exceptionally difficult because it is so unnatural. One of the things I've really struggled with is finding a way to keep Seth alive for our family. Yes, he is in Heaven now but he was still here; he was still Sean's little brother, and Cary's little brother; he still made Kayleigh a big sister. It is extremely frustrating to me when people refer to Kayleigh as our youngest.. She is NOT our youngest child..she is not the "baby". EVEN Kayleigh can tell you we have "Baby Seth in Heaven".

I am coming, rather slowly, to the painful conclusion that outside of my immediate family, and some extremely understanding friends, people are not going to join us in remembering Seth. I am still looking for ways to memorialize him in our lives. I have a few things floating around in my mind.. maybe a "supply drive" for the PICU at our hospital for his 2nd birthday the end of March. But sadly, I don't believe my extended family will be joining me in most of those efforts.

We were at a family members last night.. and they have an ornament on their tree that I assume (based on past history) was a gift from another family member. The ornament looks a lot like this:

The ornament I saw is dated 2009. And it has more snowflakes. Seven snowflakes to be exact. And the names on the snowflakes? My kids and their many cousins... Noticeably absent from the ornament? (To me anyway) Seth. I keep thinking that they must not know how much it hurts me to see Seth left off and out..


Remember the "Seth bear" we chose to include in our Christmas pictures? Let's just say that the extended family portrait didn't' work out as well and leave it at that..

I'm finally realizing that I am not going to be able to change it. I can't make them remember with us. I can't change it. Not being able to talk about Seth or acknowledge him with the people who love us, it's kind of like losing a little bit of Seth every day....

11 comments:

dyslexic different thinking me said...

I'm so glad you shared this! My friend, I will help in ANY way that we go about remembering Seth! Include me in any plans you make. I love you and your family of 6. Big hugs, Dea

Lauren said...

praying for you...

Kathryn said...

It has been my experience that our culture is sadly equipped to handle loss. And every person handles loss differently, so it can be hard to know how to respond. I've found that i can't safely even mention miscarriage to others for they don't know how to respond. It makes me sad that even talking about our much wanted baby isn't something i can do.

My sadness this holiday season echos yours. Our house is empty of children, will always be empty of children. I don't know why God would have it be so, but i'm struggling with it.

I'm sad to read of your sadness. I think there is something inside each of us that wants to "fix it" for others, but we can't. Support & prayer & love is our limitation. You have that, from me & for others, much as i'd like to "fix it" for you.

Praying the New Year will be blessed for you.

Robynbeth said...

Seth will always be your son and their brother because the love never dies. When people ask about my mother's children, she always talks about Jennifer, and sometimes this still makes people uncomfortable. They treat grief as if it is contagious, or they think that if they ignore it, it will go away. I know I have been guilty of this myself. Even though I am miles away, I will do whatever is necessary to help.

Rachel said...

I'm sad for you as I read this post. But whether others want to face it or not, Seth IS your last child, he WAS here (albeit for too short a time), and his memory WILL live on, through you, his daddy, his big brothers and sister. Keep remembering aloud, regardless of who it makes uncomfortable. My prayers are with you!

likeschocolate said...

I think it is hard for others to sometimes show that they remember someone. For various reason like not wanting to hurt the family that lost the child. However, there are many ways that you can remember your child such as being an advocate for research or participating in fundraisers, etc. You will find something that fits your family. Hugs from one heart mom to another.

Holly said...

I know Carleigh will always remain close to our hearts but for family further out her memory will fade. I don't like it a bit but there's nothing I can do to change it.

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

I'm so sorry...

L Harris said...

:(

Kathryn, I understand. I just gave my mom permission this January to remove Harvey's name birthday and death day from the family calendar. Harvey would be 6 this coming March.

Talk aloud of your son whenever you want. If you don't, people won't change their minds about death and grief. They will continue to fear it.

Emalee said...

I am Thinking of you. Email me, at Mekkist@gmail.com I will be needing your address to mail Patches to you on Saturday the 16th. Much Love
Emalee

jenni said...

I just cannot fathom why people would be so thoughtless as to leave out the babies who come and leave too soon. It just defies reason. My heart breaks for you having to suffer through the insensitivity of others, but especially your own family members. It's like somehow they don't want to "remind" you of him, or you will "be sad". As if you WANT to forget him! ((((((HUGS)))))) and know that not everyone disregards his sweet life so blithely.