Not Me Monday - May 11, 2009

OH, here we are again, Another NOT ME! Monday, which, incidentally, I am not getting posted late. Again.

So you might know the drill, MckMama recommends NOT ME! Monday as free therapy, where upon we confess to things we did NOT do during the previous week. Since I can't seem to post consistently (and I do NOT envy those who do!) I get to use stuff over a longer period of time. Because, you know, I could certainly NEVER fill a whole NOT ME! Monday post with only a week. Not at OUR house.

I did not, recently, sneak into my 11 year old son's bedroom, late at night, to check on him after getting home. I did not take my husband's word that said son was still awake. I did not stealthily creep into said bedroom, pulling myself up even with the bunk bed and pause while I checked to see if son, Sean, was actually asleep. Said son did NOT at that VERY moment, open his eyes and begin screaming. I do NOT feel guilty for having scared 10 years off the life expectancy of my oldest child. And I certainly did NOT console said child by assuring him that the GOOD news was that if he ever DID have an intruder in his room, he WOULD scream his head off and I most certainly would hear him. And after THAT little adventure was over, I did absolutely NOT collapse into a fit of giggles upstairs spurred on by my already hysterically laughing husband. Never happened. Not at our house!

I did not, recently, take pictures of my daughter solely for blog fodder. I certainly did not post said pictures here. After all, I would never let said daughter sleep on my bed with a dump truck. My beloved and I sleep on that bed! Nope, never happened. Not at our house!

Yesterday at church, my children did not make Mother's day gifts that were "spoonfuls of love" - wooden spoons with little tulle bags of candy attached. Said candy was not the candy coveted by most moms - chocolate. Said children did not then proceed to eat said candy. From. All. Three. Gifts. If they HAD, I would certainly NOT be upset about it. Nope. Not at OUR house.

Yesterday, I did NOT overeat on "spamwich" buns for lunch. I don't even like spamwich buns. They are certainly NOT a comfort food that we make because I remember them from my childhood. I certainly wouldn't find it an appropriate food to serve my MOM on MOTHER's Day. I'm not even sure it can be called "food" when the main ingredients are spam and velveeta. And after NOT over eating on "spamwich" buns, I would certainly NOT have let my children talk me into dinner out. That would just be silly for a woman who could already stand to lose too many pounds to specify to behave in such a manner. Never happen. Not at MY house.

I did not upon seeing a picture of myself on my pastor's blog, cringe. I did not consider emailing him and pleading with him to remove said post. I did not have to be talked out of those actions by my husband upon seeing myself on my pastor's other blog. IF that type of situation arose, I would simply be grateful that God was using our story in some small way. I would NEVER feel insecure about having my picture plastered all over the world wide web. Nope, not ME. Not at my house. And I most certainly did NOT, upon seeing that Pastor Glenn had added my blog to his blog listing, shriek out loud. I have much more decorum than that. Never happened. Not at my house.

Leland and I did not recently realize that it would be okay for us to acquire a new family member. If we had done that, we would certainly NOT be keeping it a secret from the kids. I would not be reluctant to tell others, fearing their reactions. And I would most definitely not be planning on revealing details on a post coming soon to a blog near you. Nope, never happen. Not at my house.

And lastly, just so you know I'm not going on forever, I did NOT end a very sweet Mother's Day by going to bed too late. And because I did not allow myself to get fatigued, I did NOT cry myself to sleep. (Although, if I had done that, it would just have been from missing Seth and WOULD be allowable at my house). Because I did NOT stay up too late last night, I was NOT incredibly irritated with my 3 year old daughter when she showed up in our bedroom at 5 am. I did NOT have to haul myself out of bed and around the house in a state of exhaustion while trying to get ready for work and make sure everyone had clothes to wear today. And why wouldn't we have clothes readily available? I am certainly NOT perpetually behind on laundry.

Nope. Never happened. Not at MY house!

Happy Mother's Kathryn Day 2009

Today was a gentle day. My favorite part, outside of the things God did as described in the post below, was the sweet gifts from my children.

Sean and Cary both made "presents" in school, using their thumbs! Sean's is the pink one, Cary's is purple..

In addition to that, they both gave me handmade cards. Sean's said "Happy Mother's Day" on the front. The inside said "because of all your hard work and dedication, you deserve a Happy Kathryn Day!" Do you love it??

Cary's gift included a letter. I'm writing it as he did, my corrections (so YOU can tell what it says) are in parentheses.

Der mom yor ies (eyes) are the leetblue (light blue) and you are cyut (cute) as Seth are the bast (best) mom in the wold I like you the wae you are

The best part? I mean besides the fact that I'm as cute as Seth.. After Cary read it to me, he burst into tears. Because he was just so happy!

A sweet, gentle day. My heart ached for Seth but was blessed by the presence (and presents, tee hee) of Sean and Cary. Thank you God for our family!

I do want to end this with an important request: I just found out that my dear friend, Chantelle's sweet daughter Tatyana is in the PICU. Taty has HLHS, as Seth did. She has had all 3 surgeries but is having some pretty serious compications currently - flu, pneumonia, protein losing enteropathy (PLE). Chantelle was a HUGE blessing to me when we were in the hospital with Seth, coming and spending some time just helping out with my "big boys". I have SO enjoyed her friendship and my heart hurts for her as I KNOW how much her mama heart is hurting. PLEASE pray for them!

Mother's Day 2009 - Patience

Where to start? I have alluded to this but not come right out and said the situation, on the blog anyway. People who know me personally already know, I shared a brief testimony at church today. I'll get to details on that in a moment...

One of the things I haven't shared on my blog, much, is how desperately I've been praying for away to share Seth's story. I long to reach out to others in some way because I so desire to see some good come out of Seth's short time with us. I haven't shared much here because I really want it to be a work of God and I've been waiting on Him to reveal that. As of yet, one of the things I have been doing is taking Kleenex boxes up to the hospital (I don't know about all hospitals, but the Kleenex provided in our PICU is a JOKE. Sandpaper, smallish. Ridiculous, really). To date, I'm still waiting on God for some kind of "significant" (knowing my defintion and God's likely differ!) ministry. I have however been blessed with small opportunities to reach out to people and share the impact Seth has had on MY life.

We have been doing a series on "The Fruit of the Spirit: Inside Out" at the church I attend, Timberview Christian Fellowship. We started with "Learning to Love", then "Jumping into Joy", "Pursuing Peace", and today "Practicing Patience."

We began, as we often do, with an amazing time of worship. One of the songs we sang really touched my heart and I actually wrote down a couple of the lyrics to share with you!

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades,

Neverending, Your glory goes beyond all fame,

And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise,

From the inside out, Lord, my soul cries out.

In additon to this great worship, our kids presented a beautiful rendition of Amazing Grace. Oh, and my mom and Larry were at church! I mention this here because my mom said she got teary watching my sons, her grandchildren up on stage! What a blessing, huh?

And as part of Pastor Glenn's sermon, I did stand up (in front of our church, both services!) and share some of our story and especially how God has used patience in my life recently. What I've shared is below for your reading pleasure. If you feel inclined, you CAN listen to Pastor Glenn's message and my contribution here. (I start about 15 minutes in but you'll be blessed by listening to the whole thing.)

And this morning I shared:

A few weeks ago, Glenn posted something on Facebook about the Fruit of the Spirit and how -- when you put pressure on fruit what’s on the inside comes out. I commented that I thought I’d experienced that and he asked if he could share that some Sunday, so when he called and asked me to contribute something for a sermon I wasn’t completely surprised. Until he told me it was for Mother’s Day. And the topic was patience. Patience? ME? Have you SEEN me with my kids lately? And then a funny thing happened, as I was praying about what God would have me share, I noticed myself becoming more patient with my family.

The other day, my husband Leland got up with our three kids and let me sleep in for awhile. When I finally hauled myself out of bed, I thanked him for being so patient with the kids. He said that he didn’t feel like he was being patient, he was just dealing with the situation he was being handed. How often do we do that? We think we’re just coping with the craziness of life and we fail to see that God is at work in us and so we fail to give God the credit for giving us the strength to live our lives in ways that are pleasing to Him.

In the last year, our family has had a lot of experience in dealing with difficult life situations. During Seth's 6 1/2 months with us, we spent a large amount of time waiting and trusting him to the Lord. God helped us through that time in ways I still don’t fully understand – but He did. I know I could not have done that without patience from God. Even though in the middle of it all – I didn’t always see it that way.

To say the last year has been difficult for our family would be an understatement.
I'm not proud to admit that in my longing to be alone in my grief and process the journey our family has been on, I have spent almost as much time resenting my 3 "big kids" as I have rejoicing in them. And in that, I've learned many lessons. I've learned patience with myself. It is cliche to say that "I'm a work in progress" but it IS true. As a believer, walking with the Lord, I'm still growing, and thank God for that! Maybe you too could learn that lesson in whatever you are dealing with. God is certainly patient with us.

In 1st Thessalonians 5:14, Paul urges us to "help the weak, be patient with everyone." I can think of no job description that requires that more than being a mom. As I listen to my 3 year old daughter Kayleigh ask me "why" for the thousandth time in a day, and as I ask our sons Cary and Sean to stop wrestling or playing football in the living room for the fourth time in 15 minutes, I exercise patience I didn't know I had. But it is a patience I choose by leaning into the Lord and asking for more of Him every day.

I have a painting in my living room with a quote I've grown particularly fond of. "Patience with others is Love, Patience with self is Hope, Patience with God is Faith."
I am blessed with love, hope, faith and patience. What a great God we have!

Mother's Day 2009

So, in looking at my clock, it appears that Mother's Day is here. I am blessed with MANY "mothers" in my life. I would like to wish them all a Happy Mother's Day. I also want to thank all the women out there who aren't mothers in the sense that they are not or have not raised children of their own. ALL of the women I know personally who fit that description ARE mothers in one way or another. Some of them have mothered me and some of them have mothered neighbors or other women. "Motherhood" in any shape or form is a blessed calling and thank you for your faithful obedience!

I was blessed to have spent 24 of the last 36 hours on a silent retreat. I was with some amazing sisters in Christ and we had the opportunity to be quiet and wait on the Lord. The Lord blessed me with a very RESTFUL time - I don't think I even realized how much I needed that. And there were moments of revelation and wonderful moments of prayer. And I'm grateful. Times like that help to strengthen me for times like this.

Mother's Day missing Seth.

I spent some time this evening trying to figure out what our family would wear to church tomorrow. For as long as I have been going to Timberview, they have a tradition of taking family pictures on Mother's Day. I have last year's. It shows me and Leland, Sean, Cary, Kayleigh. I would scan it for you but organization is not my strong suit and I'm not sure where it is. I specifically remember looking at that picture and hoping it would be our last family pic without Seth.. Seth was still in the hospital when it was taken... And now, of course, Seth will be missed in tomorrow's picture..

I DO however have another Mother's Day picture from last year:

It's not as posed as the one taken at the church. But,I confess, I love it more.

Someday, we'll all be together again. And until that day, we wait with expectant hearts.

An addendum...

I've been thinking about yesterday's post.. Did you read it? I did a Thankful Thursday and in point #5, I talked about that saying "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" and basically I think it's bunk. What I said yesterday was that I believe we do often receive more than we can handle because if we COULD handle it on our own, we wouldn't think we needed God, would we?

But today I got to thinking about another point I wanted to make. I do not believe that God GIVES us all the negative things we wind up with. We live in a sinful, fallen world. We have pollution, disease, etc. We sin and suffer consequences. Bad things happen to good people, etc. God did not intend that for His creation. But we do have free choice and thus, we are on this not always happy ride!

I DO believe that God ALLOWS negative things in our lives. I also believe that God ALWAYS redeems that negative with good. We may not see that good ever this side of Heaven but we are assured that it happens.

And I would look up that scripture reference (I believe its Romans 8) but my boys just got home from school.. I am headed out the door (as soon as the sitter gets here) for 24 hours of quiet time with God. YAY. And have a BIG weekend when we get back. More on THAT later!

Thankful Thursday - May 7, 2009

I haven't done Thankful Thursday for awhile. (What's that? You've noticed? Yeah.. sorry 'bout that). I"m slowly trying to get back into things and sharing my gratitude and gratefulness for God's greatfulness is a GOOD thing. (Ack, I think I just channeled Martha Stewart). And so, without further ado, in no specific order:

1. I am SO grateful for my husband. Leland is walking with the Lord and he makes such an awesome effort to be a great dad, husband, partner. I was out of the house this morning and came home, after Leland had left for work, to discover he had vacuumed the living room and cleaned the bathroom. How great is that??

2 I am thankful for my kids. I really am. Sure, they can push my buttons and make me want to spin my head around, but they bring such joy and blessing into my life!

3. I am thankful for my parents. Both of them. But especially since Mother's Day is coming up, I want to give a shout out to my mom!! She has been such a huge blessing to my family. I'm still so grateful for the time she came and stayed with the "big kids" while Seth was in the hospital..

4. I am thankful for a God who calls us to do things for His glory. Granted, it may be out of my comfort zone (oh yeah.) but God doesn't call me to be comfortable, He calls me to be obedient. I've been a slow learner but it might finally be starting to sink in... Thank you, Lord.

5. Most importantly, (for today) I'm grateful for God's grace. I first shared this line of thought way back in December in this post. I think it rings even more true today. I am fully aware that most mothers would say their greatest fear is losing a child. I was once one of those mothers. One of the things I struggle with is the perception (that I have) that other moms are looking at me, wondering how I'm doing "so well" when they "know" that if they lost a child they would just go to bed and stay there. It would be their worst nightmare. I once felt that way. But God's grace is sufficient and all we need. I've recently come to the conclusion that the old saying "God never gives you more than you can handle" is a crock. I believe God often gives us more than we can handle. On our own. The whole point is to lean into God. To depend on Him and require His help. How would we even begin to do that if WE could handle it?

And so, as I continue to walk this path that has turned out to be my life as I now know it, I am grateful for God's grace. I am BLESSED beyond measure to know that I do NOT EVER have to handle the difficculties of life on my own, regardless of how big or small they are!

And the answer is....

People react in odd ways when you have two boys and then have a girl. Suddenly you (well, your daughter) are in possession of more pink clothing than you could have possibly known existed. All the talk is about how different boys and girls are. Many reminders to wipe from front to back during diaper changes. And people ask questions. I used to get asked a certain question a LOT. It recently dawned on me that I have not been asked the question for awhile. I do find that a little odd given that Kayleigh is not even 3 1/2. Do you know the question? I bet you do if you have more than one boy and a daughter!


What's on everyone's mind? "Do you think she'll be a tom-boy or a girly-girl?" Alright, here's MY personal disclaimer: I don't really care one way or the other if Kayleigh turns out to be a tom-boy or a girly-girl. She's just Kayleigh to us and we love her JUST the way she is! In spite of that, I've always found it an intriguing question. Maybe because I don't align myself as either "tom-boy" or "girly girl". Of course, I'm the oldest in a family that had 3 daughters and 1 boy.. maybe that makes a difference. At any rate, I have observed Kayleigh to see if I can see indicators in her personality, a leaning one way or the other. My conclusion? And I wasn't always sure it even existed but I think she has potential leanings toward being a "girly tom-boy." You know, she has these two older brothers she's always trying to keep up with, yet, she LOVES to be "girly", wear pretty dresses, carry her purses, etc.

And NOW, joy of joys, I have photographic proof of such a possibility:



What's that you say? You can't tell what I mean about her being a "girly tom-boy" from this picture? (But you CAN tell how adorable she is!)

How about this:



Do you LOVE it? She's wearing a pink madras summer dress, over JEANS. (Her choice..that's another thing, my boys NEVER had an opinion about what they wore). She loves her books and so she's napping with a stack of books. But did you notice where they are? In the back of a dump truck!!

Here's another view:



Yup, a girly tom-boy. That's what I'm talkin' about!