Monday, November 15, 2010

IOW Tuesday - Withdrawing from God

I have rarely in my life felt as close to God as I did in the time period closely following Seth's death. Psalm 34:18 says "The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." I know this to be true for I have experienced it in my own life. In those immediate days and weeks, in my desperation, I clung to the Lord and that closeness. When I didn't FEEL it, I clung to the fact that I KNEW it to be true.

As time wore on, I ceased to cling as desperately to the Lord. I became distracted by other things in my life. I had moments when I thought I could manage just fine on my own. I ceased focusing on God as often and with as much intensity.

I could justify it to myself. I had some valid reasons, I suppose. I reached a spot where we'd talk about trusting God and my response would be "yeah, that didn't work out so well for me last time." I realize that was flip and worldly. I reached a point where I hurt and felt hurt by God and I had to process that before I could move on from it. Honestly, I"m not sure I'm done yet, but I want to share this part of my journey. It's been hard getting here. It's hard to be honest about this difficult stuff and that's probably part of the reason it's been so difficult for me to blog lately.

I have a lovely "bloggy" friend, Jenni. Jenni just had her dozenth (or 13th or 10th, I could go look it up but I"m lazy, apologies to Jenni's family!) baby (which might explain why her blog is QUIET lately. Like dust bunnies taking over quiet). At any rate, Jenni had her healthy sweet baby boy just recently. But it was not uneventful. At one point, she, and her doctor, were fairly certain she'd miscarried. It would have been her 9th baby loss. And Jenni hurt and walked away from God. He wooed her back and THEN gave her heart's desire. Thus baby boy Judah. That is the reader's digest condensed version. You can read HER version here. (it's long and beautiful. Really not to be missed).

And I know this will sound crazy, but I envied Jenni her ability to turn her back on God. I hurt so much. And I didn't want to trust God. But I did. And I was/am angry. I LOVE God but I don't always like him (and yes, I KNOW how arrogant and awful that sounds). For a long time, I didn't know what to do about that. I felt like I was a coward. I felt like I was pretending to love God because I was afraid to step away.

Recently, I was reminded of a miracle imparted on my life several years ago. A few months after Kayleigh was born, God healed me of depression. God reminded me that I CAN continue to trust Him. It's not easy but when is trust easy? I am working on making some changes. I'm finding ways to draw closer to God.

God has ALWAYS been there. God has ALWAYS been trustworthy. God doesn't change. God hasn't moved away. The distance I've felt recently is created by ME. God invites me to the actions that will bring us closer. James 4:8 "Come near to God and He will come near to you."

I am making an effort to draw near to God. The only way I know how to do that is by spending more time with Him and more time in His Word. I hope you'll check back and challenge me to share what God is teaching me. I know that He will shine in amazing ways!

Please share your thoughts on the quote by Augustine! Link up below. Leave me a comment to let me know you were here!

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Miriam Pauline said...

Kathryn, your honesty and vulnerability and honesty humble me. Although circumstances so very different, I have felt so many of these things--close during the crisis, the desire to do it myself, the anger, the envy of those who could let go. In the end, I am very grateful that He never let me let go, in spite of my anger and confusion. Praying for you as you continue to process your feelings. Bless you for hosting us this week. ((hugs))

Tami Boesiger said...

Thanks for sharing such personal thoughts and feelings. May God continue to heal you and draw you close.

Debbie said...

Kathryn, I love that you were so honest and transparent with us. So many people are going through hard times right now in one way or another. I don't know how people can get by without the Lord.

And yet, when life happens and bad stuff occurs ...we need to run to Him. I always remember that God can handle our uncertainties and questions and anger. After all, He already knows our thoughts and motives. Just like a child, running to our Abba Daddy is the place to be in good times and in bad and uncertain and grieving times.

I loved writing on this post Kathryn. Thank you for hosting us today.

Blessings and love,

Twinkle Mom @ Sunflower Faith said...

Your honesty and faith and just truth you share is so appreciated and really just humbling reminder for us...thank you so much for your strength and faith and the words you have shared.

Karen said...

That was really good Kathryn. Its a fact that we often forget that God is ALWAYS there. We may not feel it at times but it doesn't change the fact. What would we do without His loving patience! Thanks for hosting today I really enjoyed your writing.

mamas*little*treasures said...

Kathryn - thank you so much for your willingness to share your heart so openly with us. Your story will not be forgotten, and we will continue to pray for your heart healing. There are many kinds of pain, but I'm sure that the pain of a mama's broken heart must be among the most crushing. Your courage to move forward and your commitment to accept God's love and blessing in the midst of your heartache is an inspiration to us all. Thank you ;o) Nina @ mamas*littl*treasures

Marsha Y. said...

Psalm 34:18 is also one of my favorite verses, and one I have clung to on more than one desperate occasion. A year or so ago, a friend called to tell me her son had died suddenly of a stroke. This was the very verse that I sent to her for comfort.

It has been said that at one time or another we have ALL either been depressed, are depressed, or will be depressed. But God is greater than our depression and loves us even when we have "drawn away" from his warmth. Thank you for sharing - God bless you - Marsha Y.

jenni said...

I think loving God but not always liking Him makes perfect sense. And the "yeah, that didn't work out so well for me last time" feeling is very familiar, too. His big picture is just so far removed from ours, it's so hard to trust sometimes. I'm so grateful He understands this fact and never ceases to woo us.

Kim @ Peace of my Heart said...

How beautifully honest. Thank you for sharing your heart. ♥

Loni said...

Thank you so much for sharing. Sorry I am joining in late, but it's been crazy busy! :) This was a very thought provoking quote and I so appreciate your openness and honesty in sharing on it. :)