Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Walk with me Wednesday - Down Memory Lane

So here it is. The post I've been putting off for over a week. (Two weeks?) It's probably gotten a WAY bigger build up than it deserves. One of the things I'm learning is that sharing the memories of what happened with Seth, the good and the bad, accomplishes a couple of different things for me. It validates and affirms those things happening (especially the good). Some of the negative gets blown up in my head and sharing it helps me to keep it in perspective.. and validates it as well. I shared a negative memory in an email today and was blessed to be encouraged and discover I was not alone in my feelings. But today's memory is a POSITIVE.

I want to share about the last few minutes we spent with Seth. Not before he died but the last time we had with the SETH we had come to know and love during the time we had him at home. Seth was admitted to the hospital the night before his second surgery. Leland and I, taking advantage of the "free" babysitting (my mom was at our house with our three "big" kids and Seth was well cared for by the nurses), decided to have dinner out. A belated birthday dinner for me and an early birthday dinner for Leland. When we got back to the hospital, a couple of our friends, Karen & Cathey, had come up to see us and we're cuddling on Seth. I was glad that he'd had that time and had been loved upon by others in our absence! Here's a picture of Karen & Seth. Can't you just see how much he adored her? Mind you, he knew her voice, she screamed at my belly for MONTHS! She loved him too.

Leland and I hung out with our baby boy for awhile and headed home. The next morning we were up at the hospital early to make sure we saw Seth before surgery. We followed him down to surgery in the elevator.

Once we arrived in the surgery triage area, we had quite a few minutes to wait. During that time, I held Seth. I did that thing you do with babies, you know, when you hold them up facing you? Seth was sitting on my lap. I held him under his arms (knowing I wouldn't be able to do that for weeks post op due to his sternum being opened) and spent LOTS of time kissing him on the neck and under his chin. You know, when you're holding a baby, facing you, and you kiss him on that spot just under his jaw? I spent lots of time doing THAT. Seth was JUST starting to figure out expressions. He wasn't quite to giggling but he did this squealing thing, more like when you inhale rapidly with your mouth open and it makes a squeaking noise. So I'm kissing his neck, he's squeaking, we're giggling at each other. It's one of those moments that I keep telling myself I'm going to remember forever. So often at home I didn't take the time to do that. I was so busy with Seth's needs and the other kids, etc. I'm glad that I made a point to do something sweet and memorable while we were waiting..

I don't have pics of ME doing that but I do have my mom demonstrating the above described technique. (Just in case you haven't figured out what I'm talking about). You can see the joy in Seth's face. He LOVED to be kissed upon like that.

Shortly after those sweet moments, the anesthesiologist came to get Seth. His daddy and I told him we loved him and gave him goodbye kisses.. I remember starting to cry and saying "I know, he'll be fine but I'm his mom and I'm allowed to be emotional." Of course, he wasn't fine, ever again after that. As much as we miss him, he's more than fine now in Heaven and we're left to cherish and be grateful for the special moments we DO have.

To read other people's precious memories, check out Lynnette's blog, "Dancing Barefoot on weathered ground".


Tanya said...

Thank you for sharing those precious moments. Treasured memories I'm sure.

Lynnette Kraft said...

My heart...from one mommy who's had to let go of a baby to another...is so tender towards you. :(

Those kisses under the chin - what a sweet memory. We do those to. :)

Kathryn, I'm so glad you have all of the precious memories. Writing them down is exactly the right thing.

I started to write last night about Anna's open heart surgery when she was 9 months old and I just couldn't do it this week. She didn't die then, but she almost did - I chose a rather silly post as a replacement this week. Oh well...

Thanks for sharing your precious and cherished memory with us.


Pen to Paper; Spirit to Soul said...

Wow!!! Thank you for sharing such a precious memory!
I am so sorry for your loss.

Jared Kraft said...

Very touching memory. Thank you for sharing something so intimate and beautiful.
God Bless!

Evil Twin's Wife said...

What a wonderful memory. Thanks for sharing it. I'm glad you got your kisses in.

Kristin said...


I have tears in my eyes right now after reading that post. Not sad tears, but tears of joy in knowing that you have that precious memory of sharing that special time with Seth. Those pictures of him are so sweet. I love to give those kinds of kisses too....there's just nothing better in the whole wide world. Thank you so much for sharing your memory.

Julie said...

I can't imagine the pain that you're going through, but it's wonderful to document those precious memories that you have.

What a gorgeous little boy. Thanks for sharing him with us! I love those kind of kisses...they're the best!

Abigail Kraft said...

Kathryn, I'm so happy for you because you were able to spend those precious moments with Seth and make those amazing memories which I know you will cherish forever. Thanks for sharing your sweet reflections of those sensations with us all. They were so beautiful to read.
In His arms,

Cathey said...

That night at the hospital is my favorite Seth memory. He was so happy to have Karen and me cuddle and talk to him. I choose to remember him that way and I'm glad you had that special time with him, too.

JDN said...

Did you intend to rip my heart out? DO not ever post anything like that again Kathryn...I need a sedative!

Angie Zamudio said...

Oh, Kathryn, I have so many tears in my eyes right now I don't know if I can type! That was so touching. Thanks for sharing your hearfelt thoughts and treasured memories of your dear sweet Seth. And those pictures are just ADORABLE! I never did get to meet him in person...he is BEAUTIFUL!

KatScarlett said...

OH Kathryn, I am reduced to tears reading this. Tears of both happiness and sadness. I know those kinds of kisses, I remember doing that with my kids when they were tiny. I remember those squeeks and the little faces they would make. It makes me so happy that you had that time with Seth and you hold those precious memories in your heart and can call them up and take joy in them.

I continue to keep you all in my prayers every day. He is more than fine in heaven. Thank God for that.

Jennifer @ Conversion Diary said...

I just read your comment over at my place and wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. But, truly, what a joy to know that he is with our Father in Heaven, just waiting for the rest of us.

You and your family will be in my prayers.

Heidi Reed said...

Kathryn: What a first post for me to read on your precious blog. What a beautiful baby Seth is. My heart breaks deeply for you and the loss you've experienced, but I am overjoyed at your faith and that you'll be reunited with your bundle of sweet joy one day. That makes me smile through tears. I came here to thank you, personally, for the comment you left on my site. May God continue to bless you, your husband, and your gorgeous children.

Heidi Reed

Emily said...

What a sweet memory to have. Thanks for sharing it with us ((hugs))

emily (from stepping stones)