Thursday, June 11, 2009

8 Months

I've had an odd week. It's been a good week. We have our new puppy, and she's doing well. I had an amazing experience in church this week (Remind me to tell you about it sometime) and am more aware than ever of how much God loves me. I'm on a new anti-depressant which does really seem to be helping. And today, Friday, June 12, it's been 8 months since we said good bye to our youngest child.

I've had an interesting "revelation" (for lack of a better word) this week. I was thinking about the births/arrivals of all our kids. I'm sure all moms will relate to this. There was a point with each of our children when I realized I couldn't remember what it was like before them. Usually it's a good moment.

With Sean, I turned 30 when he was 4 months old. And I felt, for the FIRST time in my life, like an actual "grown up"! (I know that probably sounds strange). And I couldn't remember life before Sean.

Cary had to be hospitalized when he was almost 2 months old. He spiked a VERY high fever after having a cranky day. It could have been lots of scary things, spinal tap was mentioned. It was RSV. And during that hospital stay (3 days), I realized I couldn't remember life before Cary.

Kayleigh's joining our family was a bit harder for me. Having THREE kids nearly put me over the edge (and sometime I can share about that in more detail. Remind me). Because of Cary's experience, one of my MAIN goals with Kayleigh was to keep her out of the hospital. AND, we had an emergency room visit, with an ATTEMPTED spinal tap, when she was 2 1/2 months old. (The ER doc sent us home because we live in town, I promised to see our pediatrician the next day, and I looked like an "experienced" mom. Ha ha.) In that exhaustion, I realized I couldn't remember life before Kayleigh! (Except, maybe, I DID remember being more rested.)

Seth didn't come home until he was 7 weeks old. And the medical stuff STRESSED me out. (The nurses could tell you). I KNEW, however, that when we got him home and had to just DO it, we'd be fine. And we were We coped "marvelously" and I couldn't remember life before Seth.

And today is eight months since Seth went to Heaven. In some ways, I can't remember life before Seth went to Heaven. But here's the crux, from the outside looking in, we look the SAME as we did before Seth. But, oh, look a little closer. See the weariness in my husband's face? And the sorrow deep in our eyes? Our children know a little bit more about the struggles of life then their few years would lead you to suspect. I vaguely remember, not necessarily what life was like, but what I was like, before Seth. I will NEVER be that person again. Even with his presence no longer seen, dare I say, PRECISELY because of that, I am forever changed.

I'm meeting a friend today at the park for a play date, just a few hours from now. What she doesn't know is that I called her precisely because I needed to be with someone who remembered Seth. She was one of the few people who got to actually spend time with Seth as a "regular" baby (we were invited a couple of times to her parents home, in most surroundings, Seth was treated as medically fragile and contact was limited). When Seth left us, she would call to offer support and say "I don't' know what to say, and I don't want to say anything stupid, so I"m not going to say anything. but know that we love you.". Today I need to be around that type of person. Someone who knew me before Seth, with Seth, and since Seth.

Someone who knows that regardless of how things look on the outside, my life will NEVER be the same.


KatScarlett said...

Kathryn, this was so beautifully written. Thank you so much for sharing with us. Thinking of you guys and sending up prayers as always.

Beth.. One Blessed Nana said...

This was so beautiful. I am praying for you sweet one. I can't imagine having to endure losing a child, but I know that God's grace is sufficient.

Many prayers,

Lauren said...

Seth changed all of our lives because of your choice to share him with us. What a beautiful legacy!

Shana said...

Praying for your peace and healing.

godsown said...

I mentioned your blog overhere

Millie said...

Great post Kathryn! You are in my prayers constantly! *Hugs*

L Harris said...

J and I have many such discussions. Hugs to you. I understand! I still need a friend like that sometimes. I hope you had a great playdate.

Steph said...

No, it will never be the same. But I bet, like Annika did for me, Seth has made it better, even in his absence, as hard as it is. Hang in there.

MendedHeart said...

While reading your blog it struck me: Your scenario if you can call it that, is just the other way round from mine. Does this make sense? My firstborn had HLHS and died at only 8 days old and I had 3 other beautiful healthy babies afterwards. Sure we are all changed and could never be the same ... I do sometimes wonder if it would have made my grief any better had I have 3 healthy babies first? Then can anything make grief 'better'? I find it hard to put feelings in the right words, forgive me. I am truly blessed but still miss him. Hugs to you. :)

Missy @ It's Almost Naptime said...

It's 2am, and I have been crying through much of your blog. I am going to stop and go to bed now. You are a wonderful writer and my heart is broken for you, sweet sister I will probably never meet. Seth is on my list - my oh, too too long list - of babies I can't wait to hug in Heaven. We'll be there in a blink, won't we? In a blink.