Rambling through an "acceptance" speech.

I want to come here and say things that are profound and meaningful. I want my posts to resonate with meaning and insight. It's hard for me to post when I don't think I can live up to those expectations (which I'm totally aware I put on myself).

My last couple of posts fell into a provided category.. I just don't feel that creative lately, left to my own devices. Oh, speaking of my last couple of posts -

I was so honored to be Lynnette's latest "Getting to Know You" featured blogger. Lynnette was one of the first bloggers I found and followed after losing Seth. I appreciate her friendship a lot. Mind you, she featured me with GRANOLA! I hope that wasn't supposed to be a statement about me. Ha ha. I appreciated all the lovely visits from Lynnette's readers.

And with that "acceptance speech", one of my kidlets has just asked for the "bathroom bucket". I should go make sure he/she is okay.

Updated to add: Above mentioned child (nameless to protect the innocent ill) writhed and moaned on the bathroom floor for awhile, ulitmately throwing up. This morning un-named child is feeling MUCH better. Yay!

Walkin' down Memory lane.. on foot, of course.

I realized something today. I am having a harder time remembering the happy moments with Seth. Not an IMPOSSIBLE time, just harder. So I've decided I'm going to try and get back to Wednesday's Walk Down Memory Lane with Lynnette and see if I can capture some of those, and other memories. I also want to remember some of the good memories our "big kids" have of Seth..

Today I had a moment memory with Kayleigh. We were cuddling in the rocking chair and she said something about Seth's feet. "Seth's feet were little." Yes, Kayleigh, Seth had little feet. "Not like MY feet." Not like your feet? Are your feet big? "Yes." "Mama, when Seth's feet get bigger, he wear MY shoes."

Tee hee, "He wear MY shoes." As if Seth would want to wear her little girl shoes! We DID talk about the fact that Seth was in Heaven and so he won't be wearing Kayleigh's shoes anytime soon. It was a sweet moment. I really treasure the times that my "big kids" and especially Kayleigh share Seth memories!

Kayleigh fell asleep in a weird position and I couldn't resist getting some pictures.

Nine months, Sixteen Cities

No, this is not a travelogue.

Today it's been nine months since we kissed our sweet boy goodbye and he left us for his permanent home in Heaven. Honestly, I was NOT going to do a "9 months" post. Contrary to what you may think from reading this post, this post, this post and maybe even from taking a gander at these pictures, I am not obsessed with doing a "monthly countdown." But a couple of things happened today that I wanted to share.

First, let me say; I think we're doing quite well. Nine months ago, if you could have showed me what this journey would look and feel like today, I probably wouldn't have believed you. Or I would have naively thought we should be FARTHER along. Don't get me wrong. We still feel a hole in our family. I still miss Seth every single minute but it doesn't HURT as much as it did earlier. (It still hurts but it's not an all capital HURT anymore!) What I marvel at every day is how confident I am in God's love for me, for our whole family. It amazes me that we could walk through such a dark storm and feel so much closer to God. I know in my head that's how it works in God's economy but it still surprises me.

This morning at church, worship was led by Sixteen Cities. They've led worship at our church before and I enjoyed them then almost as much as today. But at one point today, I could almost see how much God was enjoying the worship of our church and it brought me to tears. In additon to that, we were singing a song that has been a big part of this journey.

The chorus: Saviour, He can move the mountains
Our God is mighty to save, He is mighty to save.
Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave, Jesus conquered the grave.

This is difficult for me to share but early on, when we sang that song, I couldn't. And I would cry. Because it didn't feel like God saved Seth. Or that the grave had been conquered. But as I have been reassured that God loves me and wants my best, I have been able to see the Truth more clearly. Seth was saved from SO much. He no longer has to endure pain or heartache. He's free in Heaven, and he's there because Jesus conquered the grave. It did take me awhile to get to that point. Time. And the Grace of God.

Earlier this morning (like 4:30 am earlier), Sean crawled into bed because he'd had a nightmare. When we were awake later (like 6:00am) and hanging out in the livng room, I asked him if he remembered his nightmare and wanted to talk about it. He had dreamt that Kayleigh and then I, and his dad, and Cary all "floated into Heaven" and left him here alone. It was heartbreaking to say, "Sean, I can't tell you that will never happen. But I CAN tell you it's not very likely." What I wish I had thought to say (and this is my chance because Sean reads my blog!) was this:

Buddy, even if that DID happen and we all went to Heaven leaving you here on earth, feeling alone. You would NOT be alone. God would be with you. God WILL be with you. He will walk every step with you. All you have to do is ask Him too, press in and acknowledge His Grace.

If that's where we've come to, nine months into our journey since losing Seth, I think we're doing okay. Thank you, Lord Jesus!

TSMSS - Songs for my kids

Happy Fourth of July! I see that some of the TSMSS participants are doing Fourth of July themed. I could have done that.. but the song that I had already decided to do does speak about the true freedom we have, in God, so I'm proceeding as planned! (And I don't have time to figure out a second option this am anyway).

So, I've been sharing the songs that I sing for my kids. Each kid has gotten their own song that I've sung to them, mostly when they were babies but we still visit them on occasion. So far I've shared the songs of my 3 "big kids". Sean's is here, Cary's here and Kayleigh's here.

There is one song all four of my kids shared though. When Sean was born, I didn't know many lullabies. But I DID know Amazing Grace so that was what I sang to him. I remember being at a hotel in Southern California with a friend and her 16 month old daughter when Sean was 16 months. Sean woke in the middle of the night, distraught, screaming. I spent a LONG time singing this song to him, carrying him and pacing around our small hotel room. But it was nice to have something I could DO for him, and eventually, with the help of Amazing Grace, Sean did calm down and we were all able to get (some) sleep!

Head over to Amy's at Signs, Miracles and Wonders to see what other songs are making other's souls sing on this Fourth of July!

(Come back next Saturday for Seth's song!)

TSMSS - Kayleigh's song

So I'm taking a "light hearted" approach to Then Sings My Soul Saturdays. I've been sharing each kid's "song". Yes, my children get their own songs and I know from some of the comments I am NOT the only person who does that! I do not make up their songs. Well, in moments of desperation I might make up a song about "please go to sleep right now before mommy has a breakdown" but for the most part I relied on other people's songs and just changed up the words a bit for us. You can read about Sean's song (a popular choice among mothers apparently!) here and Cary's song here.

And now, Kayleigh's song:



Of course, in the interest in making it KAYLEIGH's song, we had to change up the lyrics a bit. I used to sing:

In the household, the Bonnett household, Kayleigh sleep tonight,
In the household, our quiet household, Kayleigh sleep tonight,
Weeeeeee eeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeee, weeee do bum do way..
(etc).

I couldn't embed the version of the song I really wanted to use. If you have time, check out this youtube video.

Head on over to Amy's to see what songs others are sharing this week. And come back next week for a "lullaby" I sang to all my kids.

TSMSS - Cary's song.

So I'm taking a little break from being profound and I'm sharing the songs for each of my kids. Last week I shared Sean's song and you can read about it here. Cary got his own song. You'll recognize it I'm sure and I'll fill you in on how we change the words.



Of course!
C is for CARY, that's good enough for me
C is for CARY, that's good enough for me,
C is for CARY, that's good enough for me,
Cary, Cary, Cary starts with C.

The great thing? This song suits Cary very well, right down to the sweet tooth!

8 Months

I've had an odd week. It's been a good week. We have our new puppy, and she's doing well. I had an amazing experience in church this week (Remind me to tell you about it sometime) and am more aware than ever of how much God loves me. I'm on a new anti-depressant which does really seem to be helping. And today, Friday, June 12, it's been 8 months since we said good bye to our youngest child.

I've had an interesting "revelation" (for lack of a better word) this week. I was thinking about the births/arrivals of all our kids. I'm sure all moms will relate to this. There was a point with each of our children when I realized I couldn't remember what it was like before them. Usually it's a good moment.

With Sean, I turned 30 when he was 4 months old. And I felt, for the FIRST time in my life, like an actual "grown up"! (I know that probably sounds strange). And I couldn't remember life before Sean.

Cary had to be hospitalized when he was almost 2 months old. He spiked a VERY high fever after having a cranky day. It could have been lots of scary things, spinal tap was mentioned. It was RSV. And during that hospital stay (3 days), I realized I couldn't remember life before Cary.

Kayleigh's joining our family was a bit harder for me. Having THREE kids nearly put me over the edge (and sometime I can share about that in more detail. Remind me). Because of Cary's experience, one of my MAIN goals with Kayleigh was to keep her out of the hospital. AND, we had an emergency room visit, with an ATTEMPTED spinal tap, when she was 2 1/2 months old. (The ER doc sent us home because we live in town, I promised to see our pediatrician the next day, and I looked like an "experienced" mom. Ha ha.) In that exhaustion, I realized I couldn't remember life before Kayleigh! (Except, maybe, I DID remember being more rested.)

Seth didn't come home until he was 7 weeks old. And the medical stuff STRESSED me out. (The nurses could tell you). I KNEW, however, that when we got him home and had to just DO it, we'd be fine. And we were We coped "marvelously" and I couldn't remember life before Seth.

And today is eight months since Seth went to Heaven. In some ways, I can't remember life before Seth went to Heaven. But here's the crux, from the outside looking in, we look the SAME as we did before Seth. But, oh, look a little closer. See the weariness in my husband's face? And the sorrow deep in our eyes? Our children know a little bit more about the struggles of life then their few years would lead you to suspect. I vaguely remember, not necessarily what life was like, but what I was like, before Seth. I will NEVER be that person again. Even with his presence no longer seen, dare I say, PRECISELY because of that, I am forever changed.

I'm meeting a friend today at the park for a play date, just a few hours from now. What she doesn't know is that I called her precisely because I needed to be with someone who remembered Seth. She was one of the few people who got to actually spend time with Seth as a "regular" baby (we were invited a couple of times to her parents home, in most surroundings, Seth was treated as medically fragile and contact was limited). When Seth left us, she would call to offer support and say "I don't' know what to say, and I don't want to say anything stupid, so I"m not going to say anything. but know that we love you.". Today I need to be around that type of person. Someone who knew me before Seth, with Seth, and since Seth.

Someone who knows that regardless of how things look on the outside, my life will NEVER be the same.

TSMSS - You Are My Sunshine

I"m late getting this up today.. I haven't been paying much attention to the blog this week. (What's that? You hadn't noticed? Oh well, carry on then.) We've had a busy week, on Thursday we brought home a NEW puppy! Remember this contest? Well, Sheba is home! (By the way, if anyone knows J.D. who won, please have her contact me! She didn't leave an email address and doesn't appear to have a blog. I WOULD like to get her prize to her). However in picking up Sheba, there was a small accident involving a deck and I rolled my ankle. It's a pretty bad sprain (self-diagnosed). So I've been limping around, trying to keep my foot elevated, and still take care of the kids AND the brand new, not-yet-housebroken puppy! And thus, the blog has been neglected. (Not that you noticed).

So I hadn't been thinking much about Then Sings My Soul Saturday. So I was sitting here this afternoon, wondering what to post, and I had an idea. I could share the kids' songs! Yes, my kids each receive their "own" song that I sing to them! (Doesn't everybody do that?)

I'm going to start with oldest and work down.. Sean's song was "You are my sunshine". I used to sing "You are my son, Sean".. tee hee. I know it's silly but it works.



The video has a silly voice, but it works. Do YOU have a song for your kids? Please share in my comments! Over the next few weeks, I'll share the rest of the kids' songs.

Not Me Monday - June 1, 2009

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I did NOT look at my calendar and freak out, just a little, because it's already June. JUNE, people! What happened to May? And April and March, for Heaven's sake? Mind you, I did NOT react that way. I would NEVER get behind on calendar upkeep and be caught off guard by a new month (Sixth month of the year.. where the heck is 2009 going anyway?) That would NEVER happen, not at MY house.

I have not become a teeny, tiny bit obsessed with my stat counter since installing it. After all, I write this blog because I feel called to do it and it helps me process my feelings, gives me a place to share and remember with Seth. It is certainly NOT about how many readers I have. So I certainly have NOT been getting a little excited about being able to actually "claim" more than "five faithful followers". (Fifteen?) Nope, never happen, not at MY house.

I have NOT been shirking my household responsibilities in favor of other more fun activities (like blogging, and exploring stat counter statistics). I would NEVER make my kids wear clothes out of the dirty clothes hamper. That would be JUST wrong. I would certainly NOT let "Mt. Washmore" take over the whole laundry room.. (Uh, the whole house?) (For the record, if this WERE happening, it might possibly be because laundry has always been one of my weak points. In all fairness, it has been worse since Seth, but of course:) NEVER happen, not at MY house.

I did not abandon above mentioned household duties, today, in search of more fun for my family. After spending a bit of time doing park clean up for our church's "Outside the Walls" Sunday, Leland and I did not pack up the kids and head to the local amusement park. If we HAD done that, I would certainly not have joined my oldest son on a ride called "Panic Plunge". Said ride would not have been the type of ride that takes you 100+ feet straight up into the air over a mere 30 seconds, and then plummets you down over a mere FOUR seconds. Nope, I would NEVER take my 11 year old son on a ride like that. Never happen, not on MY watch.

Those are NOT Sean's feet (in black sandals) and my feet (attached to the embarrassingly white legs)

I did NOT scream like a girl. Sean and I did NOT agree that, yeah, we might do it again! (Not today!)

And we, as a family, did NOT finish our glorious weekend with a special little treat.

Godly lessons for from my kids #1

I'm starting a brand new non-consecutive series. For more details, read here.

The first lesson I"m going to share comes from Kayleigh. Obviously, since she is my 3rd child and Leland and I parented for 8 years before she came along, this is not the first lesson I've received. It is the one God's been working on my heart with lately...

So lately I've been thinking about trust. How/if/when I trust the Lord in my life. (What? You thought I had it all figured out? Ha! Sorry to disillusion you.). One of my first favorite verses (as I'm sure it is for a lot of people) has always been from Proverbs 3:5-6. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."

It's fascinating to me how my understanding of that verse, my willingness to trust the Lord and my ability to surrender have grown over the years. I remember the first time I heard/read that verse thinking "YES! That's what I want." and I began, or so I thought, to trust in the Lord with ALL my heart. And then, years later, Kayleigh was born. I remember those first few months going from two to three being so hard. One day, I just laid down before the Lord and said "I can NOT do this." God said "Trust in me with ALL your heart" (and there was something about "it's about time, Kathryn, Ive been waiting for you.). And I did. Or at least I tried to lay myself down before the Lord.

If you've read this blog at all, you know we've been on quite a journey for the last year and a half. I would like to say that trusting the Lord has been second nature and make it sound easy. But it's not. I DAILY have to lay myself down and surrender what *I* want for what God wants for me. And honestly, some days, I do not even know what that looks like! So I just put forth my feeble efforts.... and THIS is where the lesson from Kayleigh finally comes in! Recently, Kayleigh broke a toy.



It wasn't THAT toy but it was basically a cheap plastic Happy Meal toy. She was mildly upset when I said we would have to throw it out. "But honey, it's broken." Her response? Without ANY doubt in her voice: "Daddy fick it." Daddy fix it. She didn't need to ask him. She didn't need to see if he could. She just trusted he would. Daddy will fix it. And God spoke to my heart about trusting Him completely.

The issues in my life? HE can fix it. My broken heart? Let Daddy - My Abba Father - fix it.

"Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart." Again, I'm reminded, ALL my heart. Even and especially the wounded, sad, aching parts of my heart. Again, I work on laying it all down, surrendering to the Lord. It's not easy (ever) but Jesus loves me. Together, we'll get there.

Daddy fix it. Amen.

Godly lessons for from my kids - Introduction

Coming up on my blog: I have a series of related thoughts but I'm not sure how long it will take me to get them all blogged out and I may not do it in consecutive "parts". What I've decided to do is introduce the concept and being with what I'm going to call #1 (coming very soon, later today!) and we'll see when/if/how long it takes us to get to #2, etc. Okay? Okay!

Being a parent is such an interesting endeavor. We are instructed to "train a child up in the way he should go" (Proverbs 22:4) and "bring them (children) up in the training and instruction of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:5). One of my very FAVORITE passages regarding children and teaching them the ways of the Lord is in Deuteronomy. "Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up." (Deuteronomy 11:19) Which would lead a person to believe that the ADULT teaches the child about God, right? Yeah, I know, I was that foolish and naive when I started parenting too!

I am not the first person to come up with this concept but truthfully, I learn SO much more from my kids. I SEE illustrations of how Jesus works in our lives. In the way I love my children, I am given mere glimpses of how much God must love me. I could go on and on.

My point is, I regularly RECEIVE Godly lessons FROM my kids. And I'm going to start sharing some of them here as I feel led to. Aren't you, my five faithful readers, blessed? (hee hee) (Oh, side note: someday I MAY actually start claiming fifteen faithful readers.. wouldn't that be something?)

For more on the concept of "learning" Godly truths from our children, I recommend Sacred Parenting: How Raising Children Shapes Our Souls by Gary Thomas.

If you promise..

.. not to notice the horrific mess my house is, I'll share some fun pictures I took this morning. Would that be okay?


Quality wise, I don't have TERRIFIC pictures. I have a Kodak point and shoot digital camera. If I were getting a new digital camera today, I would pursue other options but for now this is what I have. I do enjoy taking pictures though, especially of the kids. And close-ups of flowers and things but Ill save THOSE for another day.

So, if you've been reading my blog at all lately (all five of my faithful readers..), you saw this post where I talk about patience. In it I alluded to asking my big boys to "stop wrestling or playing football in the living room for the fourth time in fifteen minutes." I know you all thought that was for mere comedic value. I present you with photographic proof!

What you CAN'T see in these pictures is that Kayleigh was sitting on top of that rubbermaid container, kicking it with her feet and chanting "De-Fense, De-Fense". She's such a cheerleader for her big brothers!

And no criticizing my messy living room, you promised!

A year ago today..

This small boy...

after spending 50 days in this same hospital room...

His first 50 days, and the first quarter of his life..

Got dressed in these fancy duds...

Cuddled with this nervous mama.....

Was placed in this (picked just for him) car seat...

And taken home...

Where he was welcomed with open arms.....

by this VERY experienced big brother...

and this less experienced big brother...

and this novice big sister.......

Creating this happy picture of four lovely children all together in our home.

A picture that lasted for all too short a period of time.

We ALL miss you, Seth. Thank you for blessing our lives.

Thank you, Jesus, for the grace, courage, and strength we witnessed in and through the circumstances surrounding our small miracle boy. We are grateful for the time we had with him and anxious to see him again in Heaven. In Your time.

Thankful Thursday - May 14, 2009

Another Thankful Thursday. I'm probably going to sound repetitive but I'm churning this out quick today as we've got lots to do. Here goes:

1. I am thankful for my husband. I really am. Sure, we have our differences but this morning he let me go back to bed (I"m coming down with something I think). When he left this afternoon for work, he hollered back into the house "Thank you, Kathryn" and I said "for what?" and he said "for everything!". How sweet is that?

2. I am thankful for Sean, Cary, and Kayleigh for bringing bits of joy into my life everyday! (As mentioned in yesterday's post, and other places)

3. I am thankful for enough food to eat, clothes to wear and a house to sleep, work, play and live in!

4. I am thankful that we live in such a great country. I may not always agree with you (generic you) or our political leaders but I have the freedom to disagree! And to work where and how I can and to worship as I desire. God Bless America!

5. I am thankful for our Heavenly Father who makes all of the above things possible! "Every good thing comes from above".

Walk with Me Wednesday - Snapshots..

Edited to add a "Cary snapshot" towards the bottom.




Oh, another Walk down Memory Lane with Lynnette! Yay! As usual, I"m late getting to it.. Better late than never, right?

Today, I've been thinking about snapshots. Not necessarily photo snapshots, but memory snapshots. Those "moments" literally, minutes in a day, that we think we'll capture in our memories for always. Of course, on our own, our feeble minds can't remember.. Heck, I'm lucky I can remember what I ate for breakfast! So, today I'm just going to share some random "snapshot moments."

All, yes all four, of our children have/or are currently, receiving speech therapy. Sean's been at the longest, starting when he was 2 and still getting some at school. Cary got a few years between age 1 and when he "graduated" late last year. Kayleigh got about six months of speech before Seth was born and has recently started up again at the school. Seth saw speech language pathologist (SLP) for oral issues, mostly feeding due to the g-tube.

I was recently reminded of a speech therapy session when Sean was about Kayleigh's age. He was working on the /k/ (hard k as in kitten or cake or carrot) sound. The SLP put a card in front of Sean and he said the word. They were flying through the list.. "Carrot" "cat" etc. A picture similar to this appeared on a card:

And Sean very earnestly stammered out:
"cu.. cu.. cu-MUFFIN" Years later, I'm still laughing about it!

I almost re-lived that moment today! Kayleigh has this tendency to drop her first vowels. She's currently working on s blends, st, sn, sk, etc. at the beginning of a word. The SLP reminds her to "let the air out of your tire" as Kayleigh says "sssssssssssss" at the beginning of a word. "Ssssssssnow" "Sssssssssssssski" etc. So today they're using cards. And Kayleigh's truckin' along and the image below appears on the card:



And Kayleigh stammers out:
"Sssssssssssssssssss Pee Yew!" (It sounded like "spew").

Cary "graduated" from speech therapy last fall. Our wonderful SLP saw him about once a month through November due to the "instability" in our home at the time. I was grateful. I couldn't think of a specific speech therapy to share but Cary offered up a similar example for me this evening! We were going to his 1st grade "musical" performance. I was asking him where he was standing on stage so I could sit in the right area etc. Cary says, "Oh, mom, I'm not going to be singing Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star." Uh, okay? "I"m going to be paying the glockensmock."

The WHAT? Oh, GlockenSPIEL. Of course! And you do "smock" (smack) it..

Sometimes I forget that our kids don't always perceive the world the way we do. I'm glad. What joy those "mis-perceptions" bring to my life!!

Not Me Monday - May 11, 2009

OH, here we are again, Another NOT ME! Monday, which, incidentally, I am not getting posted late. Again.

So you might know the drill, MckMama recommends NOT ME! Monday as free therapy, where upon we confess to things we did NOT do during the previous week. Since I can't seem to post consistently (and I do NOT envy those who do!) I get to use stuff over a longer period of time. Because, you know, I could certainly NEVER fill a whole NOT ME! Monday post with only a week. Not at OUR house.

I did not, recently, sneak into my 11 year old son's bedroom, late at night, to check on him after getting home. I did not take my husband's word that said son was still awake. I did not stealthily creep into said bedroom, pulling myself up even with the bunk bed and pause while I checked to see if son, Sean, was actually asleep. Said son did NOT at that VERY moment, open his eyes and begin screaming. I do NOT feel guilty for having scared 10 years off the life expectancy of my oldest child. And I certainly did NOT console said child by assuring him that the GOOD news was that if he ever DID have an intruder in his room, he WOULD scream his head off and I most certainly would hear him. And after THAT little adventure was over, I did absolutely NOT collapse into a fit of giggles upstairs spurred on by my already hysterically laughing husband. Never happened. Not at our house!

I did not, recently, take pictures of my daughter solely for blog fodder. I certainly did not post said pictures here. After all, I would never let said daughter sleep on my bed with a dump truck. My beloved and I sleep on that bed! Nope, never happened. Not at our house!

Yesterday at church, my children did not make Mother's day gifts that were "spoonfuls of love" - wooden spoons with little tulle bags of candy attached. Said candy was not the candy coveted by most moms - chocolate. Said children did not then proceed to eat said candy. From. All. Three. Gifts. If they HAD, I would certainly NOT be upset about it. Nope. Not at OUR house.

Yesterday, I did NOT overeat on "spamwich" buns for lunch. I don't even like spamwich buns. They are certainly NOT a comfort food that we make because I remember them from my childhood. I certainly wouldn't find it an appropriate food to serve my MOM on MOTHER's Day. I'm not even sure it can be called "food" when the main ingredients are spam and velveeta. And after NOT over eating on "spamwich" buns, I would certainly NOT have let my children talk me into dinner out. That would just be silly for a woman who could already stand to lose too many pounds to specify to behave in such a manner. Never happen. Not at MY house.

I did not upon seeing a picture of myself on my pastor's blog, cringe. I did not consider emailing him and pleading with him to remove said post. I did not have to be talked out of those actions by my husband upon seeing myself on my pastor's other blog. IF that type of situation arose, I would simply be grateful that God was using our story in some small way. I would NEVER feel insecure about having my picture plastered all over the world wide web. Nope, not ME. Not at my house. And I most certainly did NOT, upon seeing that Pastor Glenn had added my blog to his blog listing, shriek out loud. I have much more decorum than that. Never happened. Not at my house.

Leland and I did not recently realize that it would be okay for us to acquire a new family member. If we had done that, we would certainly NOT be keeping it a secret from the kids. I would not be reluctant to tell others, fearing their reactions. And I would most definitely not be planning on revealing details on a post coming soon to a blog near you. Nope, never happen. Not at my house.

And lastly, just so you know I'm not going on forever, I did NOT end a very sweet Mother's Day by going to bed too late. And because I did not allow myself to get fatigued, I did NOT cry myself to sleep. (Although, if I had done that, it would just have been from missing Seth and WOULD be allowable at my house). Because I did NOT stay up too late last night, I was NOT incredibly irritated with my 3 year old daughter when she showed up in our bedroom at 5 am. I did NOT have to haul myself out of bed and around the house in a state of exhaustion while trying to get ready for work and make sure everyone had clothes to wear today. And why wouldn't we have clothes readily available? I am certainly NOT perpetually behind on laundry.

Nope. Never happened. Not at MY house!

Happy Mother's Kathryn Day 2009

Today was a gentle day. My favorite part, outside of the things God did as described in the post below, was the sweet gifts from my children.

Sean and Cary both made "presents" in school, using their thumbs! Sean's is the pink one, Cary's is purple..

In addition to that, they both gave me handmade cards. Sean's said "Happy Mother's Day" on the front. The inside said "because of all your hard work and dedication, you deserve a Happy Kathryn Day!" Do you love it??

Cary's gift included a letter. I'm writing it as he did, my corrections (so YOU can tell what it says) are in parentheses.

Der mom yor ies (eyes) are the leetblue (light blue) and you are cyut (cute) as Seth are the bast (best) mom in the wold I like you the wae you are

The best part? I mean besides the fact that I'm as cute as Seth.. After Cary read it to me, he burst into tears. Because he was just so happy!

A sweet, gentle day. My heart ached for Seth but was blessed by the presence (and presents, tee hee) of Sean and Cary. Thank you God for our family!

I do want to end this with an important request: I just found out that my dear friend, Chantelle's sweet daughter Tatyana is in the PICU. Taty has HLHS, as Seth did. She has had all 3 surgeries but is having some pretty serious compications currently - flu, pneumonia, protein losing enteropathy (PLE). Chantelle was a HUGE blessing to me when we were in the hospital with Seth, coming and spending some time just helping out with my "big boys". I have SO enjoyed her friendship and my heart hurts for her as I KNOW how much her mama heart is hurting. PLEASE pray for them!

Mother's Day 2009 - Patience

Where to start? I have alluded to this but not come right out and said the situation, on the blog anyway. People who know me personally already know, I shared a brief testimony at church today. I'll get to details on that in a moment...

One of the things I haven't shared on my blog, much, is how desperately I've been praying for away to share Seth's story. I long to reach out to others in some way because I so desire to see some good come out of Seth's short time with us. I haven't shared much here because I really want it to be a work of God and I've been waiting on Him to reveal that. As of yet, one of the things I have been doing is taking Kleenex boxes up to the hospital (I don't know about all hospitals, but the Kleenex provided in our PICU is a JOKE. Sandpaper, smallish. Ridiculous, really). To date, I'm still waiting on God for some kind of "significant" (knowing my defintion and God's likely differ!) ministry. I have however been blessed with small opportunities to reach out to people and share the impact Seth has had on MY life.

We have been doing a series on "The Fruit of the Spirit: Inside Out" at the church I attend, Timberview Christian Fellowship. We started with "Learning to Love", then "Jumping into Joy", "Pursuing Peace", and today "Practicing Patience."

We began, as we often do, with an amazing time of worship. One of the songs we sang really touched my heart and I actually wrote down a couple of the lyrics to share with you!

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades,

Neverending, Your glory goes beyond all fame,

And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise,

From the inside out, Lord, my soul cries out.

In additon to this great worship, our kids presented a beautiful rendition of Amazing Grace. Oh, and my mom and Larry were at church! I mention this here because my mom said she got teary watching my sons, her grandchildren up on stage! What a blessing, huh?

And as part of Pastor Glenn's sermon, I did stand up (in front of our church, both services!) and share some of our story and especially how God has used patience in my life recently. What I've shared is below for your reading pleasure. If you feel inclined, you CAN listen to Pastor Glenn's message and my contribution here. (I start about 15 minutes in but you'll be blessed by listening to the whole thing.)

And this morning I shared:

A few weeks ago, Glenn posted something on Facebook about the Fruit of the Spirit and how -- when you put pressure on fruit what’s on the inside comes out. I commented that I thought I’d experienced that and he asked if he could share that some Sunday, so when he called and asked me to contribute something for a sermon I wasn’t completely surprised. Until he told me it was for Mother’s Day. And the topic was patience. Patience? ME? Have you SEEN me with my kids lately? And then a funny thing happened, as I was praying about what God would have me share, I noticed myself becoming more patient with my family.

The other day, my husband Leland got up with our three kids and let me sleep in for awhile. When I finally hauled myself out of bed, I thanked him for being so patient with the kids. He said that he didn’t feel like he was being patient, he was just dealing with the situation he was being handed. How often do we do that? We think we’re just coping with the craziness of life and we fail to see that God is at work in us and so we fail to give God the credit for giving us the strength to live our lives in ways that are pleasing to Him.

In the last year, our family has had a lot of experience in dealing with difficult life situations. During Seth's 6 1/2 months with us, we spent a large amount of time waiting and trusting him to the Lord. God helped us through that time in ways I still don’t fully understand – but He did. I know I could not have done that without patience from God. Even though in the middle of it all – I didn’t always see it that way.

To say the last year has been difficult for our family would be an understatement.
I'm not proud to admit that in my longing to be alone in my grief and process the journey our family has been on, I have spent almost as much time resenting my 3 "big kids" as I have rejoicing in them. And in that, I've learned many lessons. I've learned patience with myself. It is cliche to say that "I'm a work in progress" but it IS true. As a believer, walking with the Lord, I'm still growing, and thank God for that! Maybe you too could learn that lesson in whatever you are dealing with. God is certainly patient with us.

In 1st Thessalonians 5:14, Paul urges us to "help the weak, be patient with everyone." I can think of no job description that requires that more than being a mom. As I listen to my 3 year old daughter Kayleigh ask me "why" for the thousandth time in a day, and as I ask our sons Cary and Sean to stop wrestling or playing football in the living room for the fourth time in 15 minutes, I exercise patience I didn't know I had. But it is a patience I choose by leaning into the Lord and asking for more of Him every day.

I have a painting in my living room with a quote I've grown particularly fond of. "Patience with others is Love, Patience with self is Hope, Patience with God is Faith."
I am blessed with love, hope, faith and patience. What a great God we have!

Mother's Day 2009

So, in looking at my clock, it appears that Mother's Day is here. I am blessed with MANY "mothers" in my life. I would like to wish them all a Happy Mother's Day. I also want to thank all the women out there who aren't mothers in the sense that they are not or have not raised children of their own. ALL of the women I know personally who fit that description ARE mothers in one way or another. Some of them have mothered me and some of them have mothered neighbors or other women. "Motherhood" in any shape or form is a blessed calling and thank you for your faithful obedience!

I was blessed to have spent 24 of the last 36 hours on a silent retreat. I was with some amazing sisters in Christ and we had the opportunity to be quiet and wait on the Lord. The Lord blessed me with a very RESTFUL time - I don't think I even realized how much I needed that. And there were moments of revelation and wonderful moments of prayer. And I'm grateful. Times like that help to strengthen me for times like this.

Mother's Day missing Seth.

I spent some time this evening trying to figure out what our family would wear to church tomorrow. For as long as I have been going to Timberview, they have a tradition of taking family pictures on Mother's Day. I have last year's. It shows me and Leland, Sean, Cary, Kayleigh. I would scan it for you but organization is not my strong suit and I'm not sure where it is. I specifically remember looking at that picture and hoping it would be our last family pic without Seth.. Seth was still in the hospital when it was taken... And now, of course, Seth will be missed in tomorrow's picture..

I DO however have another Mother's Day picture from last year:

It's not as posed as the one taken at the church. But,I confess, I love it more.

Someday, we'll all be together again. And until that day, we wait with expectant hearts.

Thankful Thursday - May 7, 2009

I haven't done Thankful Thursday for awhile. (What's that? You've noticed? Yeah.. sorry 'bout that). I"m slowly trying to get back into things and sharing my gratitude and gratefulness for God's greatfulness is a GOOD thing. (Ack, I think I just channeled Martha Stewart). And so, without further ado, in no specific order:

1. I am SO grateful for my husband. Leland is walking with the Lord and he makes such an awesome effort to be a great dad, husband, partner. I was out of the house this morning and came home, after Leland had left for work, to discover he had vacuumed the living room and cleaned the bathroom. How great is that??

2 I am thankful for my kids. I really am. Sure, they can push my buttons and make me want to spin my head around, but they bring such joy and blessing into my life!

3. I am thankful for my parents. Both of them. But especially since Mother's Day is coming up, I want to give a shout out to my mom!! She has been such a huge blessing to my family. I'm still so grateful for the time she came and stayed with the "big kids" while Seth was in the hospital..

4. I am thankful for a God who calls us to do things for His glory. Granted, it may be out of my comfort zone (oh yeah.) but God doesn't call me to be comfortable, He calls me to be obedient. I've been a slow learner but it might finally be starting to sink in... Thank you, Lord.

5. Most importantly, (for today) I'm grateful for God's grace. I first shared this line of thought way back in December in this post. I think it rings even more true today. I am fully aware that most mothers would say their greatest fear is losing a child. I was once one of those mothers. One of the things I struggle with is the perception (that I have) that other moms are looking at me, wondering how I'm doing "so well" when they "know" that if they lost a child they would just go to bed and stay there. It would be their worst nightmare. I once felt that way. But God's grace is sufficient and all we need. I've recently come to the conclusion that the old saying "God never gives you more than you can handle" is a crock. I believe God often gives us more than we can handle. On our own. The whole point is to lean into God. To depend on Him and require His help. How would we even begin to do that if WE could handle it?

And so, as I continue to walk this path that has turned out to be my life as I now know it, I am grateful for God's grace. I am BLESSED beyond measure to know that I do NOT EVER have to handle the difficculties of life on my own, regardless of how big or small they are!