Monday, May 11, 2009


In 45 minutes (or by the time I finish writing this post!), it'll be Tuesday, May 12th. Seth has been in Heaven for seven months, which means that I have walked on this earth more days since saying goodbye than I walked with him breathing beside me. I think I can honestly say I don't hurt as INTENSELY as often but I know I don't miss him any less than I did on October 12th.

It's been a year of fascinating first, this past year (and I actually mean about the past 13 months). We've had the usual firsts, experiencing with our fourth child the same types of things we experienced with our first, second, and third.
First breath (at birth)
First visitors
First introduction to siblings (well, Sean didn't get that one!)
First bottle
First day at home
First smile
First giggle
First time he reached for a rattle
First car ride
First time attending church
First time to visit someone at their home
First Mother's Day, Father's Day, Fourth of July

With Seth, we experienced a whole new world of firsts!
First open heart surgery and all that entailed (first IV, PIC line, etc)
First extubation (we naively only expected one, not a FIRST, goes to show how little we knew!)
First g-tube
First heart catheterization
First weight, pulse ox checks at home
First home nurse visit

And the firsts which Seth has already missed -
First Halloween
First Christmas
First time sitting up alone
First crawling
First Birthday
First time standing

If Seth were here now, we'd be celebrating and anticipating:
First solid foods
First steps
First words

But instead we are dealing with a whole new experience of firsts:
First time his insurance card didn't come in the mail
First Mother's Day without him
First anniversary of his homecoming from the hospital - without him
First Father's Day, Fourth of July, etc without him

We had the first time his brothers cried for him.... the first day he wasn't with us... the first funeral our 3 "big kids" attended.. first cemetery visit.

But we've had AMAZING firsts.. Not quite as easy to list and pinpoint.. little things that let us know we'd be okay, in spite of our loss and because of our God.
First time I didn't cry in church.
First Kleenex delivery to the hospital
First time I sang "Blessed be Your Name" without weeping
First time Kayleigh said Seth was "at Jesus"
First friends I wouldn't have if not for our experiences

And almost bigger than that, and most recent, the first time I shared my experience and a little bit of how Seth touched my life for the glory of God. I am SO grateful. I am grateful to know how much God loves us, to know that God's glory can and WILL (and does?) shine in our suffering and difficulties.

Thank you Lord for the opportunities to grow in your love, to know your goodness and to share how I see You working.


Anonymous said...

I know why I can't come here often. I have a 4 month old baby boy. I read what you write and I can't imagine...

I love your strength and willingness to share Seth's story. I'm sure tears flow as you write, but it probably helps to write it anyway.

Much love to you and yours. Thanks for coming to my blog. :)

Heidi Reed

Lauren said...


Marlene said...

Thanks, Kathryn -

Firsts that we never wanted. Firsts that we earnestly desired to avoid. And firsts that are inevitable, right? I'm praying that the 2nd Mother's Day is easier than the first. I pray that Dad's first Father's day is easier than Mother's day was.

Plus, I pray that our first baby in heaven is the only one that precedes us through the pearly gates.

You're a wonderful inspiration and a good writer. Keep it up!!


KatScarlett said...

this made the tears just flow down my face... and at the same time warmed me. Thank you so much for sharing this part of your journey with Seth with us.