Firsts..

In 45 minutes (or by the time I finish writing this post!), it'll be Tuesday, May 12th. Seth has been in Heaven for seven months, which means that I have walked on this earth more days since saying goodbye than I walked with him breathing beside me. I think I can honestly say I don't hurt as INTENSELY as often but I know I don't miss him any less than I did on October 12th.

It's been a year of fascinating first, this past year (and I actually mean about the past 13 months). We've had the usual firsts, experiencing with our fourth child the same types of things we experienced with our first, second, and third.

First breath (at birth)

First visitors

First introduction to siblings (well, Sean didn't get that one!)

First bottle

First day at home

First smile

First giggle

First time he reached for a rattle

First car ride

First time attending church

First time to visit someone at their home

First Mother's Day, Father's Day, Fourth of July

With Seth, we experienced a whole new world of firsts!

First open heart surgery and all that entailed (first IV, PIC line, etc)

First extubation (we naively only expected one, not a FIRST, goes to show how little we knew!)

First g-tube

First heart catheterization

First weight, pulse ox checks at home

First home nurse visit

And the firsts which Seth has already missed -

First Halloween

First Christmas

First time sitting up alone

First crawling

First Birthday

First time standing

If Seth were here now, we'd be celebrating and anticipating:

First solid foods

First steps

First words

But instead we are dealing with a whole new experience of firsts:

First time his insurance card didn't come in the mail

First Mother's Day without him

First anniversary of his homecoming from the hospital - without him

First Father's Day, Fourth of July, etc without him

We had the first time his brothers cried for him.... the first day he wasn't with us... the first funeral our 3 "big kids" attended.. first cemetery visit.

But we've had AMAZING firsts.. Not quite as easy to list and pinpoint.. little things that let us know we'd be okay, in spite of our loss and because of our God.

First time I didn't cry in church.

First Kleenex delivery to the hospital

First time I sang "Blessed be Your Name" without weeping

First time Kayleigh said Seth was "at Jesus"

First friends I wouldn't have if not for our experiences

And almost bigger than that, and most recent, the first time I shared my experience and a little bit of how Seth touched my life for the glory of God. I am SO grateful. I am grateful to know how much God loves us, to know that God's glory can and WILL (and does?) shine in our suffering and difficulties.

Thank you Lord for the opportunities to grow in your love, to know your goodness and to share how I see You working.