Thursday, May 21, 2009
Somebody else's baby...
I went to the cemetery today. I hadn't been for awhile. I wanted to go on Mother's Day and didn't make it and haven't been since. I am planning on taking the kids on Memorial Day, and wanted to go then as I had heard they do a beautiful job with US flags.. and they do! The picture above is not the cemetery where Seth is but a very similar thing has been done with the flags and they are flying everywhere.
So I had a counseling appointment this morning and afterwards I stopped at the store, picked up a potted mini rose bush and headed to the cemetery. Grief is a funny thing, I'm finding. One of the many "side effects" is that it seems to be isolating and somewhat self-indulgent. Let me explain what I mean, or at least attempt it. I find myself more frequently in situations that have nothing to do with Seth or our loss of Seth. Of course, I do, time marches on. And on one hand, I embrace that. And on the other hand, it can be SO so hard as I still feel like my heart is broken into pieces and I"m trying to put on a "happy face" and move forward. I have been lately wondering if I hadn't made it too much about "me". If I'd taken my focus off God and become all wrapped up in my grief. If I was too consumed with MY stuff.. MY loss, MY hurting, my inability to REALLY cry as when I feel like I need to or want to, I'm too surrounded by children to be able to do so.
So I took the yellow mini rose bush to Seth's marker. And immediately recognized the outdoor carpeting on the grass.. I didn't stay long because of the tent being assembled mere feet from where Seth's body lies. Today, somebody else's baby is being buried. I drove home, overcome with compassion. I stumbled in the door, threw myself down on my bed and cried. You know, "the ugly cry".
I don't know if I can explain what that meant to me. Or if it will make sense to anyone who hasn't been through this type of loss. Or if it will make sense to others who have. But I was almost relieved to experience that type of reaction FOR somebody else. It truly wasn't about MY loss or Seth.. but the fact that out there, so close to our home, another mom is hurting, experiencing a loss no mom should have to endure. In this fallen, broken world, I was SO grateful for the opportunity to experience that kind of compassion and to intercede for that mom, asking God to bring her peace and comfort.
God is so faithful to keep showing me that if I can only trust in Him, He WILL bring me through this - triumphantly so. I can be a better witness for Christ, a better servant of the Lord and THAT is what I am MOST grateful for after all!